“I asked manager Huggins to take me out of my lineup because I was up all night with five hookers and I have a hangover that would kill a horse but he refused.  The bastard is ruthless!” ~ attributed to Babe Ruth.

The above photo was taken during Sunday afternoon’s game at Yankee Stadium.  I know what you are saying.  Miller Lite?  Well it was either that or Bud Light and I chose the one that didn’t taste like piss.  Not that I know what piss tastes like.  Okay I do but it was a fraternity initiation.  Okay, I was drunk and I asked a trannie in Vegas to pee on me.  Hey, it was a blogging convention and those things happen all the time at blogging conventions.  Right?

But onto the game.

The Yankees started Carsten Charles Sabathia (3-0 4.58 ERA) and the Tigers started Max Scherzer (1-3 7.77).  Carsten Charles was sharp, striking out eight while only walking two.

The Yankees got on the board first in the bottom of the second.  With the bases loaded Granderson walked bringing in Raul Ibanez.  Scherzer was wild the entire game, walking seven in 4 2/3 innings.  Alex Rodriguez then singled, bringing home Eric Chavez.  2-0 Yankees after two.

Detroit got a run back in the top of the third when Prince “I’m not an athlete just a big fat f##k” Fielder hit a homerun to deep right.  2-1  Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the fourth Curtis Granderson got a gift homerun courtesy of Tiger center fielder (and the man he was traded for Austin Jackson.)  Jackson reached up over the center field fence and caught the ball but it bounced out of his glove.  3-1 Yankees after four.

Carsten Charles had a minor bump in an otherwise dominant pitching performance in the top of the sixth.  After allowing a single to Brennan Boesch Miguel Cabrera  doubled to center scoring Boesch. But Prince “Fat F##k ” Fielder flied out to right field and Brad Eldred grounded out 6-3 to end the threat.  3-2 Yankees after six.

In the bottom of the seventh after a leadoff single by backup catcher Chris Stewart and a walk to Derek Jeter Alex Rodriguez reached first on a fielder’s choice allowing Stewart to score and Jeter to move to third.  Robinson Cano then hit a sacrifice fly to left field scoring Jeter.    5-2 Yankees after seven.

In the bottom of the eighth Andrew “I don’t take steroids anymore.  Really” Jones homered to left field.  6-2 Yankees after eight.  And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

Tigers reliever Luke Putkonen made his major league debut pitching an inning and 2/3 walking two and giving up two runs on three hits.  He also got the loss.

Nick Swisher left the game in the third inning complaining of a tight left hamstring and syphilis. But mainly syphilis.  He is expected to be out for a few days.

As I was trying to get to my seat I was aggressively challenged by several people who wanted to check my blood pressure.  If there is one thing that raises my blood pressure it’s people who want to check it.  Leave me alone!  In addition to the blood pressure checkers Yankee fans were asked to get cholesterol screenings.  MADD (Mothers against drunk driving) was also there.  Because the Yankees are socially responsible.  And they want there fans to be socially responsible.  So get your blood pressure checked, get your cholesterol checked.  Because high cholesterol is unhealthy.  And after the screening have one of our bucket of fries and chicken tenders.  And a cheese dog.

The French’s mustard mascot was at the game.  Breaking news:  The French’s mustard mascot has been signed by the Yankees and will pitch in the back end of the rotation. Freddy Garcia was smothered in French’s mustard, placed on a corn dog and eaten by Carsten Charles Sabathia before the game.

Speaking of Carsten Charles, today the first 18,000 in attendance were given a stop watch.  Now I can time Carsten Charles’ trips to the concession line.

CC celebrated his dominant win by cracking open a small child after the game and sucking out its tendons.  Mmm.  Small child tendons.

For the second straight game Delmon Young was not in the game for the Tigers.  Mr. Young got into an altercation Friday night in Manhattan and had to be brought to a hospital before being booked because he was so drunk.  Young is being charged with an aggravated hate crime for the anti-Semitic slurs he yelled at a homeless man wearing the Star of David and a yarmulke.  Young has been placed on the restricted list by MLB and will have to undergo alcohol and anger management therapy.  I can see how being paid millions can make a man angry.  Very angry.  Then again I am inclined to cut anyone some slack as to what they say and do when drunk.  At least that’s what I told the cop who arrested me and the trannie in the alley in Vegas.  Hey, it was a blogging convention alright!  A blogging convention!

Reader mail:

The infamous reprobate known as M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “Ever since I got back from London I’ve driven on the wrong side of the road.  Seriously.  I think I killed someone last night.”

Look on the bright side, M.B.  It might have been a Red Sox fan.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I’m going to stop killing prostitutes and burying them in my back yard.  Sure I enjoy it.  Who wouldn’t.  But there must be more to life.”

Take a bath hippie!

D.B. of Philadelphia writes. “How much longer do I have to stay in the pool?  I mean I’m worried that the shrinkage will never unshrink.”

As long as it takes D.B.  As long as it takes.

Recomended reading material:

The Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole.

So my record this year stands at 2-1.  My next game is Tuesday May 1st against the Division leading (did I just say that?) Baltimore Orioles.

Go Yankees!

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