When Navy seals raided Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan and killed him they also discovered the master terrorist’s computer.  The documents on that computer were a treasure trove of information on Bin Laden and al-Qaeda.  Using my contacts in the mainstream media just give me the f#$#ing audio and no one gets hurt I am proud to give my readers full access to the inner working of Bin Laden.  And what I’ve found made up  in this most remarkable audio document may surprise my readers:

Bin Laden: First order of business. No t-shirts on  suicide bombers. Y’understand that? See the shirts that everybody’s wearing? Everybody pr… Where’s the, where’s the guy at the end, the new trombone player in the al-Qaeda house band, who’s missing?

Unidentified: He weren’t wearing a t-shirt.

Bin Laden: Yeah, I know. The other guy on the end had the t-shirt. T-shirts! Didn’t I say shirts?

Unidentified: Yep.

Ayman Al-Zawahiri: I thought he was covered.

Bin Laden: You thought, you thought.. you thought, you thought eight things tonight. You’re on fuckin’ notice, Zawahiri. I gave you a list, ya got half the list that I gave you – we’re choosing everything on it. OK? The guys get shirts. Don’t make a fuckin’ maniac out of me. The guys get shirts. D’ya understand? We’re not going to be as strong as our weakest link! The guys get shirts. Y’understand that? This is like football, baseball, like anything else. The guys get shirts.

That’s Just. The Fucking. Way. It Is!

Your first start was getting your goddamned list correct. So there’s no confusion. When I write something down it gets exactly that. Now what are we going to do about these suicide bombers?

al-Zawahari: Uh, the suicide bombers? I’m kind of waiting for you, I usually . . .

Bin Laden: What did we discuss at the last meeting? I wasn’t going to take “I’m not Anyone.” Is that correct?

al-Zawahari:  Absolutely.

Bin Laden: All right, now what are we going to do about  the suicide bombers? ‘Cuz I’m walking around, waitin’ and waitin’, and then you finally give it, and the bomb goes off early and not one infidel gets killed.  Only the bomber gets killed.  Where was everybody?

al-Zawahari:  I don’t know. Evidently they were watching you when they should have been watching me.

Bin Laden:  Wha..but you were doing it!

Unidentified: I did it.

 Bin laden: What’s it going to be guys. Who’re you watchin’?

Unidentified: I’d suggest they watch me, I’ll watch you.

Bin Laden: But you were the only one to watch!

Unidentified: Absolutely.

Bin Laden: Let me ask you this. A pilot is in a plane when he’s landing, he not only looks at his instruments, but he looks at the fuckin’ runway to make sure it’s there. What do you look at? Who’re you watching? Where were you guys  when you were supposed to coordinate the suicide bombers?  What happened?

Unidentified: I was late because I usually watch you on that . . . and he . . .and, uh…I…

Bin Laden: If I’m not doin’, if I’m not doing anything, and he throws… Do you remember the last meeting where I said a bow I’ll do to signal the suicide bombers? What is the confusion on these bombings?

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. D’ya understand that?

What’s it going to be, guys? You want fucking Vinny Falcone in front? Do you want me to go up and get a suicide bomb conductor that’ll sit and ride your asses? Is that what you want? D’ya want your jobs? Where’s Joe?

I tell ya I want the suicide bombers to coordinate their actions. D’ya understand that? I want the fuckin’bombers. OK? There is a lot of loose shit going on and I’m telling you you guys are on thin ice. All right? I’m telling you right now. And when I fuckin’ move I slice like a fuckin’ hammer. You’ve seen it and I’ll do it again. When I tell you the suicide bombers you better look and make sure everybody’s here when you walk in this room. I will not put up with this shit. D’ya understand that?

That’s Just. The Fucking. Way. It Is!

Every one of your fuckin’ checks cash with the amount on it. Do any of your checks bounce? Do you all get full value on your money? I want full value on your fuckin’ service. Do you hear me? D’ya understand that?

You guys have three fuckin’ days to get it together. All of you head of your departments. OK? What is that blue light doing over there on the suicide bomber? Is that a signal? What is that all about?

Unidentified: That was a fuckup.

Bin Laden: That was a fuckup. I, I see that again, you’re gone with the rest of them. Is that clear?

Unidentified: Mmm Hmm.

Bin Laden: That’s just the way it is around here. D’ya understand that? That’s how fuckin’ crucial this is. You have nothing to do but watch and look for my signal as to when the suicide bombers should strike, correct? You have nothing else to worry about.

You will straighten out this goddamn shit.

Unidentified:  Absolutely.

Bin Laden: D’ya understand? You will get it straight.

I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda.

Unidentified: I know it.

Bin Laden:  Do you guys have any to add to this, can you help him out? You guys have, can you add to this, the confusion? Can you give us some intelligent input here? What is your problem?

I’m warning you, I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. D’ya understand that?

Do you want him to lose his job? Do you? Then put me some fuckin’ knowledge in here! Tell me what’s wrong!  Now give me some intelligent fuckin’ answers. Who’re you watching? Go ahead.

Unidentified: Well I have an idea.

Bin Laden:  I don’t want an idea, I want to know what went wrong and I wanta know how to fix it.

Unidentified:  Well that was on me.  It won’t happen again. Absolutely.

Bin Laden:  Where’s Joe?

Now guys I’m giving you all one week to get this together. OK? I’m giving you one week. To execute the suicide bombings the way they’re supposed to be done.  I’m giving everybody one week. Everybody’s got one week to do it right. ‘Cuz I’m in my form right now. If you guys are not going to come up and support me with the enthusiasm I’ve got for it, it ain’t gonna work. I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda…and you are letting me down. D’ya understand that?

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. D’ya understand that? And the only satisfaction I’m going to get is to ream your fucking asses like the coach of a ball team or any goddamn business till you get it. D’ya understand that? Because if you don’t feel embarrassed about it, then you have no conscience, you got no heart you got no integrity. D’ya understand that? Then all you do is you take the fuckin’ money and you’ve got no substance, remember that. People of substance and character care about who the fuck they blow up and they fix it. OK? And I think that you’re working with me because I think that’s the way you are. And I don’t pull any punches with you guys. I am telling you that his job is on thin ice. And you know how fast I move.

I don’t care if you’re a veteran suicide bomber, a mid-level suicide bomber, or an apprentice suicide bomber like last night – you understand? I have a new philosophy. I don’t care if it’s Jesus Christ – yes I know he probably wouldn’t want to work for us anyway but go with me on this. I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. If you don’t do it my way, then it’s the highway. Things go the way they’re supposed to, properly with integrity, or no one is fucking dispensable and you all fucking can go.

I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. You understand that? It’s just the kick that I’m on, the mood that I’m on. I don’t care.

Is that fair enough? I’m warning you. Is that good enough, for all of you? I’m on that kind of an integrity kick. If you really don’t care step forward you can go work for MSNBC.

Now we’re all important in the totality. You don’t care like I care, I don’t need you guys to take my money. Just like that guy last night, that fucked up my bomber and we’re short labor – I lost out 20 or 30 fuckin’ thousand dollars because my bomber got fucked. D’ya understand? You understand where I’m coming from with integrity?

You guys better have the same thing. Because you’re all replaceable. D’you all like your jobs? D’you want your jobs? Do you?

You understand? You better make it right.

If you don’t do the job, you’re gone. And that goes for everybody. And that’s Just. The fucking. Way. It is!!

Because you got it too good!! And as long as you got it good, you gotta make it good. Get it fuckin’ right. That’s just the way it is around here.

D’you hear me? D’you understand that?

Don’t make a fuckin’ maniac out of me!!

Where’s Joe?

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Following up on yesterday’s post where I cataloged the top five uncool presidents I now present my listing of the top five cool presidents of all time (excepting President Obama, who we all know is, was and ever will be, the coolest thing ever.)

The Cool:

• Teddy Roosevelt. What made Teddy Roosevelt cool? Perhaps it was the homosexual subtext of his life, from the pornstache to his editing a magazine called “The Advocate.”  And as we all know, homosexuals are cool.  Plus, Teddy Roosevelt once rode a moose across a river and he made that bitch moose enjoy it. No nasty internal combustion engines for Teddy. He believed in green, renewable energy.  He would have made Solyndra work.
• FDR.  What made FDR cool?  He was handicapped!  And handicapped people are way cool!  No nasty relying on his own brute manly strength for FDR. No, he redistributed his strength to other people who helped him around.  Truly FDR’s lesson in socialism and redistribution is relevant to us all.  Bonus: He had an ugly lesbian wife! Coolness personified!
• John Kennedy. What made John Kennedy cool?  He married a woman of French descent who, raised on the east coast, did not have any unfortunate “middle-American” tendencies like being unfashionable.  Indeed one could say that Michelle Obama is the reincarnation of Jackie Kennedy. Bonus:  Kennedy died quickly after being shot.  (See yesterday’s post.) Bonus bonus:  He slept with this woman.
• Andrew Jackson. What made Andrew Jackson cool?  Let me count the ways.  He kicked British butt.  He shot a man in cold blood just to watch him die.  He married a woman who may have been a person of color. Optimus Prime considered him a trusted ally. The only thing that prevents Andrew Jackson from being the coolest (excepting Obama) president ever was his unfortunate Presbyterianism. (See yesterday’s post.)
• And our coolest President ever?  James Buchanan. Why is James Buchanan (excepting Obama) our coolest president ever?  Simple.  He was gay. And gay people are so way cool.  Sixty five years before Judy Garland was born Buchanan introduced the “Friday night social” at the White House were he and other single men would listen to Judy Garland albums and discuss their feelings.  I have no evidence that any of this actually happened  But I’m a liberal.  Who needs evidence.  For being a liberal is the substance of things to be hoped for, the evidence of things that appear not.   Bonus: He invented the iPad.

And there you have it readers.  Our five coolest presidents ever.  Honorable mention goes to James Madison (the original Glam Rocker), William Henry Harrison (He died in 30 days.  How very John Paul I of him), and of course Jimmy Carter who kept this country safe from rabbits (who may or may not have been Decepticons.)

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Recently CBS news asked the question:  Why would America want to vote against the coolest President ever?  And I’d have to agree.  Obama is so cool.  I mean he talks the NCAA.  The ladies of the View think he’s cool (and that’s good enough for me.)  Men, well in the press anyway, have man crushes on him.  And as a member of the mainstream media I have to agree.  I wish Obama would be my friend.  I’m voting for him.  He’s cool baby.  But what about the other presidents?  Who was cool?  Who wasn’t?  And because I know that many have asked the same questions here is my ranking of our top five cool and uncool Presidents.

The Uncool:

• William Howard Taft. Why was he uncool?  Simple.  He was fat.  Very fat  Our fattest President ever.   And fat is not cool.  Unless it’s a fat black man dressed in sweats and a hoodie who can delight us with his rap stylings.  That is cool.  Fat white men?  Not so not cool.
• James Monroe. Why was he uncool?  One word:  B-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ring.  How boring was James Monroe?  No one even bothered to run against him in 1820 because he bored the opposition out of existence.  When he died no one even suspected he was dead until he started voting Democratic.
• Dwight David Eisenhower. Why was he uncool?  What did he ever do? What did he ever accomplish in his life?  I’m a liberal which means I’m intelligent, well-read and nuanced and I can find no record of any accomplishments by this man. Nothing!  Besides.  Look at him!  He looks like he should be on “To Catch a Predator.”  Well, actually now that you mention it that might be cool.
• James Garfield. Why was he uncool?  He was shot.  That doesn’t make him uncool per se.  What makes him uncool is that it took him four months to die.  Just man up and die will you.  He ended up sticking around longer than a Who farewell tour.
• And our uncoolest President ever?  Woodrow Wilson. Why was he uncool?  Let me count the ways.  1.  His name was Woodrow.  Woodrow!  And no cool person can ever be called Woodrow.  Well, except for Woodrow Parfrey. But I digress.  2. He was a Presbyterian.  A Presbyterian!  They’re almost as uncool as Methodists!  3. He had a stroke in office.  While this doesn’t make him uncool per se it took him five years to die.  (See James Garfield.)

And there you have it readers.  Our five uncoolest Presidents.  Yes, I know I am probably leaving out some of your favorite uncool leaders such as John Adams. (Short, fat and bald.  What is this?  An HBO comedy special?), William McKinley (it took him a week to die – see James Garfield) and of course the unspeakable bastard that is John Tyler. (Just look at his nose.  I suspect he was Italian.  Which is not cool.)

Tomorrow – our five coolest Presidents.

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