The Ranking of Presidents, Part I: The Uncool

Heavy is the head that is coolRecently CBS news asked the question:  Why would America want to vote against the coolest President ever?  And I’d have to agree.  Obama is so cool.  I mean he talks the NCAA.  The ladies of the View think he’s cool (and that’s good enough for me.)  Men, well in the press anyway, have man crushes on him.  And as a member of the mainstream media I have to agree.  I wish Obama would be my friend.  I’m voting for him.  He’s cool baby.  But what about the other presidents?  Who was cool?  Who wasn’t?  And because I know that many have asked the same questions here is my ranking of our top five cool and uncool Presidents.

The Uncool:

  • William Howard Taft. Fat white boys are not cool! Why was he uncool?  Simple.  He was fat.  Very fat  Our fattest President ever.   And fat is not cool.  Unless it’s a fat black man dressed in sweats and a hoodie who can delight us with his rap stylings.  That is cool.  Fat white men?  Not so not cool.
  • James Monroe. Boring! Why was he uncool?  One word:  B-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ring.  How boring was James Monroe?  No one even bothered to run against him in 1820 because he bored the opposition out of existence.  When he died no one even suspected he was dead until he started voting Democratic.
  • Dwight David Eisenhower. What did this pedophile ever accomlish? Why was he uncool?  What did he ever do? What did he ever accomplish in his life?  I’m a liberal which means I’m intelligent, well-read and nuanced and I can find no record of any accomplishments by this man. Nothing!  Besides.  Look at him!  He looks like he should be on “To Catch a Predator.”  Well, actually now that you mention it that might be cool.
  • James Garfield. Just hurry up and die will you? Why was he uncool?  He was shot.  That doesn’t make him uncool per se.  What makes him uncool is that it took him four months to die.  Just man up and die will you.  He ended up sticking around longer than a Who farewell tour.
  • And our uncoolest President ever?  Woodrow Wilson. Damn dirty presbyterian! Why was he uncool?  Let me count the ways.  1.  His name was Woodrow.  Woodrow!  And no cool person can ever be called Woodrow.  Well, except for Woodrow Parfrey. The only cool person every named Woodrow. But I digress.  2. He was a Presbyterian.  A Presbyterian!  They’re almost as uncool as Methodists!  3. He had a stroke in office.  While this doesn’t make him uncool per se it took him five years to die.  (See James Garfield.)

And there you have it readers.  Our five uncoolest Presidents.  Yes, I know I am probably leaving out some of your favorite uncool leaders such as John Adams. Short fat and bald.  What is this?  An HBO comedy special? (Short, fat and bald.  What is this?  An HBO comedy special?), William McKinley Just hurry up and die (See James Garfield.) (it took him a week to die – see James Garfield) and of course the unspeakable bastard that is John Tyler. Nice nose you Guiniea bastard! (Just look at his nose.  I suspect he was Italian.  Which is not cool.)

Tomorrow – our five coolest Presidents.


3 Responses

  1. Woodrow also wore glasses. That makes him a four eyed dweeeeeeeb.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: take it back! take it back! Woodrow Parfrey did not wear glasses! Oh, you meant the other Woodrow. Yeah, a dork.

  3. If liberals had any brains, they’d see right through the charlatan but they don’t and they like sponging off others, so he’ll remain the coolest even if he utterly ruins the country.

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