Six Flags Vulcan Amusement Park Closes

To seek thrills is highly illogical

In a major blow to its efforts to emerge from bankruptcy it has been learned that the Six Flags amusement park on the planet Vulcan has closed.

“We had high hopes for our park on Vulcan” said Six Flags President and Chief Executive Officer Jim Reid-Anderson.  “Vulcan is a new and emerging market and we were the first human amusement park on that planet.  What can I say.  I guess the cultural differences were too great.  The Vulcans just didn’t understand the concept.”

The park which opened last year with much fanfare never made a profit and saw visitors decrease dramatically with each passing week.

Critics say that the park was doomed from the start.  Exit interviews that were conducted revealed dissatisfaction and at times deep bewilderment among the Vulcans. Typical was the response of Suran (pictured here) To seek cheap thrills is highly illogical who wrote on the evaluation form that:

This (the amusement park) just made no sense to me.  I went on one ride called a “roller coaster” that was advertised as a “thrill a minute ride of danger.”  I was strapped to a vehicle that ran up and down a track and frequently dropped hundreds of feet.  Yet at no time was I in actual danger.  To advertise something as dangerous yet then operate under strict Vulcan safety codes is highly illogical.

Hoping to improve attendance Six Flags executives modified some rides to give them a more “Vulcan” flavor.  The Lex Luther Drop of Doom, which at 400 feet was billed as “Vulcan’s tallest vertical drop ride” was renamed the Lex Luther Drop of Suppressed Emotion. The Sky Screamer, a 15-story swing ride with speeds of 40 miles an hour was renamed the Sky Ride of Logic and the Mr. Freeze: Reverse Blast was renamed the Mr. Freeze: Mind Meld.  All to no avail as Vulcans continued to avoid the rides.

Indeed the only popular ride in the park was the Tunnel of Love, which was renamed the Tunnel of Pon Farr.  This ride however had to be shut down for insurance reasons after too many Vulcan women chose the Kal-if-fee (which literally translates as “challenge“) and Vulcan men started getting injured in ritual fights for their mates.

“Vulcan women are fickle, horny bitches” said Reid-Anderson.

Six Flags has released a statement on their web site apologizing to investors over the loss of the Vulcan park and promising better luck with their latest amusement park inside a Borg Cube.

Said Reid-Anderson, “The Borg Queen has promised us full autonomy to devise a perfect Six Flags amusement park.  And I trust her.”

Six Flags Borg is scheduled to open in 2014.


7 Responses

  1. “‘Vulcan women are fickle, horny bitches’ said Reid-Anderson.”

    Stonn could not be reached for comment.

  2. “The Borg Queen ”
    Is that code for gay?

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Hey, she didn’t want to be an escort to a legend. Stonn was a logical, flawlessly logical choice.

    JCF: No comment.

  4. Matt says:

    Will this help the Borg assimilate other races?

  5. innominatus says:

    The borg are going to have to get over their right-angle cubism fetish if the roller coaster is ever gonna work. They can’t just turn on a dime – unlike the lightcycles of Tron. But what kind of geekwad would actually want to ride one of those?

  6. They should have left the restraints off the roller coasters, let a few of those Vulcan shits fall off and break a few legs and/or necks and they’ll come back.

  7. It’s so sad to know that there are businesses which were forced to close due to bankruptcy although businessmen/women are aware of that possibility as risk in starting up a business, I think.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>