In what could be a first scientists have discovered a 2000-year old body fully preserved inside former baseball player Wade Boggs after Boggs went to his doctor complaining of “gasiness and feeling bloated.”
“I thought maybe I had an ulcer or something” Boggs told doctors later.
Instead, upon giving Boggs an endoscopy doctors were startled to find a fully preserved human body. When informed of the reason for his medical complaints Boggs blamed former teammate Bill Buckner.
“Son of a bitch was always losing things.”
A Bog, prevalent throughout northern Europe, is a wetland that accumulates acidic peat. Because of a bog’s anaerobic environment, combined with the presence of tannic acids, bogs have the unique ability to preserve biological material and it is not unusual to find bodies that are hundreds of years old perfectly preserved.
Scientists successfully extracted the body from Boggs for study and analysis. Using radiocarbon dating it was determined that the body was from the fourth century B.C.
Said a scientist who studied the body:
We’ve all seen bodies preserved in bogs before but usually they are real bogs not someone named Boggs. Science hasn’t seen anything like this since Julius La Rosa was discovered inside the body of Arthur Godfrey. We’re at a loss as to the explanation really. Microbes? Parasites? We know that Boggs used to eat chicken before every game. Perhaps he had some bad chicken that morphed into a body? But we feel that the most likely explanation is still the one Boggs gave us: We think it was Bill Buckner’s fault. Son of a bitch was always losing things.
The Boggs body, dubbed the “Creepy What the Fuck Man?” 
is on display at the Smithsonian.
It’s important that people see this. Scientists are always seeking to expand our knowledge of the physical laws of the universe. We feel that what was found inside Wade Boggs is just the beginning. Who knows what may be inside other baseball players. Look at David Ortiz! We’d love to cut him open and take a look. I bet we’d find a pony, an old Linux server or perhaps a fully preserved Gary Coleman.
As for Wade Boggs, he is just happy to have the body out of him.
“I don’t feel bloated anymore. And I can have dairy products again. That bastard Buckner is going to pay for this.”
From his home in Idaho Bill Buckner told reporters, “Come on. I make one error and everyone is still blaming me for everything. Hey, has anyone seen my lawnmower?”
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It looks like the body was just taking a nap inside Wade Boggs. Kinda sweet in a way. Nighty-night, Creepy What The Fuck Man!
Shamus: Perhaps it was Margo Adams.
Say whatcha will about Boggs, those “Mattingly v. Boggs for AL batting title” battles every year were pretty cool. If Boggsey wasn’t carrying all that dead weight, he might have legged out a couple more grounders and hit for even higher average.
Aw, what am I saying?
Boggs was slower than frozen molasses. The only thing he ever legged out was Margo.
Well, now we know why oppsing catchers were always complaining about being gassed by Boggs.
Inn: I remember ’86. Mattingly hit .352 and Boggs .357. It went down to the last day but the Red Sox sat Boggs so Mattingly couldn’t catch him.
JCF: It’s the chicken.
Did they check to see if Buckner left anything else in there?
It could have been worse, they could have found Carl Yastremski in there.
Well at least it wasn’t an old linux server, you wouldn’t want one of those inside you. Gas would be the least of your problems.
I suppose it could be worse, yes worse, Windows NT!