The Ranking of Presidents, Part II: The Cool

Heavy is the head that is coolFollowing up on yesterday’s post where I cataloged the top five uncool presidents I now present my listing of the top five cool presidents of all time (excepting President Obama, who we all know is, was and ever will be, the coolest thing ever.)

The Cool:

  • Teddy Roosevelt. The Porn stache is King! What made Teddy Roosevelt cool? Perhaps it was the homosexual subtext of his life, from the pornstache to his editing a magazine called “The Advocate.”  And as we all know, homosexuals are cool.  Plus, Teddy Roosevelt once rode a moose across a river and he made that bitch moose enjoy it. I’m going to ride your ass and you’re going to like it! No nasty internal combustion engines for Teddy. He believed in green, renewable energy.  He would have made Solyndra work.
  • FDR.  FDR redistributes his strength! What made FDR cool?  He was handicapped!  And handicapped people are way cool!  No nasty relying on his own brute manly strength for FDR. No, he redistributed his strength to other people who helped him around.  Truly FDR’s lesson in socialism and redistribution is relevant to us all.  Bonus: He had an ugly lesbian wife! What is cooler than a middle-aged ugly lesbian? Coolness personified!
  • John Kennedy. Before this decade is out I will die quickly What made John Kennedy cool?  He married a woman of French descent who, raised on the east coast, did not have any unfortunate “middle-American” tendencies like being unfashionable.  Indeed one could say that Michelle Obama The always fashionable reincarnation of jackie kennedy is the reincarnation of Jackie Kennedy. Bonus:  Kennedy died quickly after being shot.  (See yesterday’s post.) Bonus bonus:  He slept with this Coolness is making the president’s back feel better. woman.
  • Andrew Jackson. I live to kick British butt! What made Andrew Jackson cool?  Let me count the ways.  He kicked British butt.  He shot a man in cold blood just to watch him die.  He married a woman who may have been a person of color. Optimus Prime considered him a trusted ally. The only thing that prevents Andrew Jackson from being the coolest (excepting Obama) president ever was his unfortunate Presbyterianism. (See yesterday’s post.)
  • And our coolest President ever?  James Buchanan. Does anyone have any Judy Garland CDs? Why is James Buchanan (excepting Obama) our coolest president ever?  Simple.  He was gay. And gay people are so way cool.  Sixty five years before Judy Garland was born Buchanan introduced the “Friday night social” at the White House were he and other single men would listen to Judy Garland albums and discuss their feelings.  I have no evidence that any of this actually happened  But I’m a liberal.  Who needs evidence.  For being a liberal is the substance of things to be hoped for, the evidence of things that appear not.   Bonus: He invented the iPad.

And there you have it readers.  Our five coolest presidents ever.  Honorable mention goes to James Madison Will you do the fandango? (the original Glam Rocker), William Henry Harrison I ain’t sticking around! (He died in 30 days.  How very John Paul I of him), and of course Jimmy Carter jimmy-carter-rabbit-boat-closeup.jpg who kept this country safe from rabbits (who may or may not have been Decepticons.)


4 Responses

  1. Rabbits? Total Decepticons, dude.

    Jimmy Carter was actually an Autobot agent. His vital and dangerous work fighting the evil Decepticons was what kept him from doing really minor piddling stuff, like not sucking at being President of the United States.

  2. I don’t know but I’m pretty sure that’s a bull moose Teddy is riding. But then, you did say he was gay.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Jimmy Carter: Keeping America Decepticon free since 1977.

    JCF: Bully!

  4. Anyone who has Optimus prime on their side has my vote.

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