Following up on yesterday’s post where I cataloged the top five uncool presidents I now present my listing of the top five cool presidents of all time (excepting President Obama, who we all know is, was and ever will be, the coolest thing ever.)

The Cool:

• Teddy Roosevelt. What made Teddy Roosevelt cool? Perhaps it was the homosexual subtext of his life, from the pornstache to his editing a magazine called “The Advocate.”  And as we all know, homosexuals are cool.  Plus, Teddy Roosevelt once rode a moose across a river and he made that bitch moose enjoy it. No nasty internal combustion engines for Teddy. He believed in green, renewable energy.  He would have made Solyndra work.
• FDR.  What made FDR cool?  He was handicapped!  And handicapped people are way cool!  No nasty relying on his own brute manly strength for FDR. No, he redistributed his strength to other people who helped him around.  Truly FDR’s lesson in socialism and redistribution is relevant to us all.  Bonus: He had an ugly lesbian wife! Coolness personified!
• John Kennedy. What made John Kennedy cool?  He married a woman of French descent who, raised on the east coast, did not have any unfortunate “middle-American” tendencies like being unfashionable.  Indeed one could say that Michelle Obama is the reincarnation of Jackie Kennedy. Bonus:  Kennedy died quickly after being shot.  (See yesterday’s post.) Bonus bonus:  He slept with this woman.
• Andrew Jackson. What made Andrew Jackson cool?  Let me count the ways.  He kicked British butt.  He shot a man in cold blood just to watch him die.  He married a woman who may have been a person of color. Optimus Prime considered him a trusted ally. The only thing that prevents Andrew Jackson from being the coolest (excepting Obama) president ever was his unfortunate Presbyterianism. (See yesterday’s post.)
• And our coolest President ever?  James Buchanan. Why is James Buchanan (excepting Obama) our coolest president ever?  Simple.  He was gay. And gay people are so way cool.  Sixty five years before Judy Garland was born Buchanan introduced the “Friday night social” at the White House were he and other single men would listen to Judy Garland albums and discuss their feelings.  I have no evidence that any of this actually happened  But I’m a liberal.  Who needs evidence.  For being a liberal is the substance of things to be hoped for, the evidence of things that appear not.   Bonus: He invented the iPad.

And there you have it readers.  Our five coolest presidents ever.  Honorable mention goes to James Madison (the original Glam Rocker), William Henry Harrison (He died in 30 days.  How very John Paul I of him), and of course Jimmy Carter who kept this country safe from rabbits (who may or may not have been Decepticons.)

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