Remarkable New Bin Laden Audio Released! (With Apologies to Paul Anka)

Should I die my beard? Do I dare to eat a peach?When Navy seals raided Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan and killed him they also discovered the master terrorist’s computer.  The documents on that computer were a treasure trove of information on Bin Laden and al-Qaeda.  Using my contacts in the mainstream media just give me the f#$#ing audio and no one gets hurt I am proud to give my readers full access to the inner working of Bin Laden.  And what I’ve found made up  in this most remarkable audio document may surprise my readers:

Bin Laden: First order of business. No t-shirts on  suicide bombers. Y’understand that? See the shirts that everybody’s wearing? Everybody pr… Where’s the, where’s the guy at the end, the new trombone player in the al-Qaeda house band, who’s missing?

Unidentified: He weren’t wearing a t-shirt.

Bin Laden: Yeah, I know. The other guy on the end had the t-shirt. T-shirts! Didn’t I say shirts?

Unidentified: Yep.

Ayman Al-Zawahiri: I thought he was covered.

Bin Laden: You thought, you thought.. you thought, you thought eight things tonight. You’re on fuckin’ notice, Zawahiri. I gave you a list, ya got half the list that I gave you – we’re choosing everything on it. OK? The guys get shirts. Don’t make a fuckin’ maniac out of me. The guys get shirts. D’ya understand? We’re not going to be as strong as our weakest link! The guys get shirts. Y’understand that? This is like football, baseball, like anything else. The guys get shirts.

That’s Just. The Fucking. Way. It Is!

Your first start was getting your goddamned list correct. So there’s no confusion. When I write something down it gets exactly that. Now what are we going to do about these suicide bombers?

al-Zawahari: Uh, the suicide bombers? I’m kind of waiting for you, I usually . . .

Bin Laden: What did we discuss at the last meeting? I wasn’t going to take “I’m not Anyone.” Is that correct?

al-Zawahari:  Absolutely.

Bin Laden: All right, now what are we going to do about  the suicide bombers? ‘Cuz I’m walking around, waitin’ and waitin’, and then you finally give it, and the bomb goes off early and not one infidel gets killed.  Only the bomber gets killed.  Where was everybody?

al-Zawahari:  I don’t know. Evidently they were watching you when they should have been watching me.

Bin Laden:  Wha..but you were doing it!

Unidentified: I did it.

 Bin laden: What’s it going to be guys. Who’re you watchin’?

Unidentified: I’d suggest they watch me, I’ll watch you.

Bin Laden: But you were the only one to watch!

Unidentified: Absolutely.

Bin Laden: Let me ask you this. A pilot is in a plane when he’s landing, he not only looks at his instruments, but he looks at the fuckin’ runway to make sure it’s there. What do you look at? Who’re you watching? Where were you guys  when you were supposed to coordinate the suicide bombers?  What happened?

Unidentified: I was late because I usually watch you on that . . . and he . . .and, uh…I…

Bin Laden: If I’m not doin’, if I’m not doing anything, and he throws… Do you remember the last meeting where I said a bow I’ll do to signal the suicide bombers? What is the confusion on these bombings?

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. D’ya understand that?

What’s it going to be, guys? You want fucking Vinny Falcone in front? Do you want me to go up and get a suicide bomb conductor that’ll sit and ride your asses? Is that what you want? D’ya want your jobs? Where’s Joe?

I tell ya I want the suicide bombers to coordinate their actions. D’ya understand that? I want the fuckin’bombers. OK? There is a lot of loose shit going on and I’m telling you you guys are on thin ice. All right? I’m telling you right now. And when I fuckin’ move I slice like a fuckin’ hammer. You’ve seen it and I’ll do it again. When I tell you the suicide bombers you better look and make sure everybody’s here when you walk in this room. I will not put up with this shit. D’ya understand that?

That’s Just. The Fucking. Way. It Is!

Every one of your fuckin’ checks cash with the amount on it. Do any of your checks bounce? Do you all get full value on your money? I want full value on your fuckin’ service. Do you hear me? D’ya understand that?

You guys have three fuckin’ days to get it together. All of you head of your departments. OK? What is that blue light doing over there on the suicide bomber? Is that a signal? What is that all about?

Unidentified: That was a fuckup.

Bin Laden: That was a fuckup. I, I see that again, you’re gone with the rest of them. Is that clear?

Unidentified: Mmm Hmm.

Bin Laden: That’s just the way it is around here. D’ya understand that? That’s how fuckin’ crucial this is. You have nothing to do but watch and look for my signal as to when the suicide bombers should strike, correct? You have nothing else to worry about.

You will straighten out this goddamn shit.

Unidentified:  Absolutely.

Bin Laden: D’ya understand? You will get it straight.

I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda.

Unidentified: I know it.

Bin Laden:  Do you guys have any to add to this, can you help him out? You guys have, can you add to this, the confusion? Can you give us some intelligent input here? What is your problem?

I’m warning you, I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. D’ya understand that?

Do you want him to lose his job? Do you? Then put me some fuckin’ knowledge in here! Tell me what’s wrong!  Now give me some intelligent fuckin’ answers. Who’re you watching? Go ahead.

Unidentified: Well I have an idea.

Bin Laden:  I don’t want an idea, I want to know what went wrong and I wanta know how to fix it.

Unidentified:  Well that was on me.  It won’t happen again. Absolutely.

Bin Laden:  Where’s Joe?

Now guys I’m giving you all one week to get this together. OK? I’m giving you one week. To execute the suicide bombings the way they’re supposed to be done.  I’m giving everybody one week. Everybody’s got one week to do it right. ‘Cuz I’m in my form right now. If you guys are not going to come up and support me with the enthusiasm I’ve got for it, it ain’t gonna work. I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda…and you are letting me down. D’ya understand that?

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. D’ya understand that? And the only satisfaction I’m going to get is to ream your fucking asses like the coach of a ball team or any goddamn business till you get it. D’ya understand that? Because if you don’t feel embarrassed about it, then you have no conscience, you got no heart you got no integrity. D’ya understand that? Then all you do is you take the fuckin’ money and you’ve got no substance, remember that. People of substance and character care about who the fuck they blow up and they fix it. OK? And I think that you’re working with me because I think that’s the way you are. And I don’t pull any punches with you guys. I am telling you that his job is on thin ice. And you know how fast I move.

I don’t care if you’re a veteran suicide bomber, a mid-level suicide bomber, or an apprentice suicide bomber like last night – you understand? I have a new philosophy. I don’t care if it’s Jesus Christ – yes I know he probably wouldn’t want to work for us anyway but go with me on this. I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. If you don’t do it my way, then it’s the highway. Things go the way they’re supposed to, properly with integrity, or no one is fucking dispensable and you all fucking can go.

I’m the only important one in al-Qaeda. You understand that? It’s just the kick that I’m on, the mood that I’m on. I don’t care.

Is that fair enough? I’m warning you. Is that good enough, for all of you? I’m on that kind of an integrity kick. If you really don’t care step forward you can go work for MSNBC.

Now we’re all important in the totality. You don’t care like I care, I don’t need you guys to take my money. Just like that guy last night, that fucked up my bomber and we’re short labor – I lost out 20 or 30 fuckin’ thousand dollars because my bomber got fucked. D’ya understand? You understand where I’m coming from with integrity?

You guys better have the same thing. Because you’re all replaceable. D’you all like your jobs? D’you want your jobs? Do you?

You understand? You better make it right.

If you don’t do the job, you’re gone. And that goes for everybody. And that’s Just. The fucking. Way. It is!!

Because you got it too good!! And as long as you got it good, you gotta make it good. Get it fuckin’ right. That’s just the way it is around here.

D’you hear me? D’you understand that?

Don’t make a fuckin’ maniac out of me!!

Where’s Joe?


3 Responses

  1. Dude, I finally got it at the end.

    Nice one, my friend.

  2. Biden went to the head. But he was wearing a T-shirt. He’s ready to blow-up.

  3. What…. nothing about the gay porn they found?

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