My Exclusive Interview with Locutus of Borg

Resistence is futile.  It is!  No really!  Aw c’mon!  Assimilate!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel just give me your purse lady and no one gets hurt I have the distinct pleasure of interviewing Locutus of Borg.  Locutus is a controversial figure here on Earth, seeing as he was charged with making our assimilation into the Borg collective easier.  I am honored that he has chosen me for his first Earth interview.

MI:  Welcome Locutus.  Let’s start out with some background questions about you.

LB:  I am Locutus of Borg.

MI: Yes I know that.  Now how did you get the job as the spokesman for the Borg?

LB:   Resistance is futile.

MI:  That’s what I told my ex wife on our first date when I had her in the back seat of my car.

LB:  Your life as it has been is over.

MI:  That’s what my ex wife told me when we got married.   Now what I’d – 

LB:   From this time forward you will service us.

MI:  Hey pal I ain’t servicing nobody until I see some cash up front.

LB:  You will disarm your weapons and escort us to sector 0-0-1. If you attempt to intervene we will destroy you.

MI:  And that’s why my wife’s divorce lawyer told me.  Now what I’d like to know – 

LB:  Resistance is futile.

MI:  Alright I’m going to have to ask you to get off your talking points or I’ll cut your mike.

LB:  [Pause.]  Okay.  The queen won’t like this but what would you like to know. 

MI:  You’re first attempt to assimilate Earth was unsuccessful.  What makes you think the second attempt will succeed?

LB:  Well basically with our first try we didn’t do our homework.  We chose the wrong area to assimilate.

MI:  You’re referring to the Borg landing in New York City?

LB:  Yes.  Specifically upper Manhattan.  Washington Heights I believe you humans call it.

MI:  What happened?

LB:  I walked into this bodega and the told the woman behind the counter that resistance was futile and that her life as she knows it is over.  I mean that line always worked on other worlds.

MI:  What did she do?

LB:  She said, “You better show some respect when you talk to me Papi!”  And the she slapped me.  Knocked some of my Borg implants out.  

MI:  That must have been embarrassing.

LB:  It was………..undignified.

MI:  And then what?

LB:  The next thing I know I was surrounded by Earthers.  They kept taunting me saying, “Chump ass with the implants don’t start no trouble won’t be no trouble.”

MI:  You’re not used to resistance?

LB:  Hell no.  Usually we just give them the old ‘resistance is futile’ line and they fold.   But these New Yorkers chased me out of the store and up Broadway throwing things at me.  I think they fired a few shots as well.

MI:  Well it serves you right.  You just don’t walk into a bodega in Washington Heights and pull that shit. You’re lucky you’re still alive.  So how did this episode end?

LB:  Well to make a long story short I ended up face down floating in the Harlem River.  Most of my Borg implants had been stolen.  And my wallet was missing too.

MI:  Borgs carry wallets?

LB:  Where else are we going to store our credit cards?

MI:  Interesting.  So then what?

LB:  I floated over to the Bronx where some Seventh Day Adventists picked me up and cared for me.   And hey they did me a whale of good.  I converted.  I’m a vegetarian now.  No pork, shellfish, alcohol or tobacco for me.  I’m clean.  

MI:  What do the other Borg think of your conversion?

LB:  They were concerned at first.  They thought my new religious beliefs would make me lose my edge.  But then I explained to them that Seventh Day Adventists were not Methodists and that seemed to allay their fears.

MI: So what’s next for Locutus of Borg?

LB:  Well I’m getting my green card.  And I’m opening a flower shop.  “Resistance to my flowers is futile” is the slogan.  Pretty catchy don’t you think?

MI:  I, wow.  Um.  I don’t know what to say.

LB:  Hey can we wrap this up?  I’m late for the Adventist picnic.  Why don’t you come along?

MI:  Okay.  Will there be any alcohol?

LB:  Alcohol?  Please.  We’re not Catholics.

MI: Then I’m going to have to pass.  Thank you for the interview.

LB:  No problem.  And if you see Deanna Troi tell her I’m sorry I haven’t called her but I’ve been busy.

MI:  Will do.

I thank Locutus of Borg for his time.  And drop by his flower shop.  I like to see small businesses succeed.


8 Responses

  1. Man, those borgs should lnow better than to get involved with 7DAs. They never let go.

  2. innominatus says:

    Thank heavens he didn’t land in Zucotti Park a few months ago…

  3. Locutus should try to run that “service us” act over in the Village. He might have some more success with a more…pliant…population.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    JCF: Poor Locutus. He’s been brainwashed.

    Inn: The borg as the 99%? “I assimilated half the galaxy and can’t pay off my student loan.”

    Shamus: Locutus approves of gay marriage and wishes to stop Romney’s war on women.

  5. Matt says:

    I’m thinking, would he have assimilated OWS, or would they had assimilated him?

  6. 7th day Adventist ey, who would have thought.

    Oh well at least we’re off the hook now.

    As for him landing in Zucotti park and the OWS crowd, I don’t think he would have made it with all them loose fitting implants and squeamishness.

  7. Mark says:

    Good thing he didn’t land in Pawling. The Jehovah Witnesses would definitely see him as one of their own.

  8. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: It might be a draw.

    RWT: Good point. All those loose-fitting implants wouldn’t have lasted a second at Zuccotti park.

    Mark: Pawling: Ex hippies have to live somwhere (besides New Paltz that is.)

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