Fresh on the heels of the suspensions of Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon Commissioner Bud Selig announced that all 750 players in the American and National Leagues have been suspended 50 games after testing positive for elevated levels of testosterone.

“I was surprised to say the least” said a crestfallen Selig when making the announcement.   “I expected 99 percent of the players to test positive.  But not Jeter too!  I should have known.  Skip Bayless is always right!”

Things had apparently reached a crisis point when suspicions were raised about Colon. Desperate for the facts Selig had placed Colon under surveillance, which produced this incriminating tape:

Colon:  I’d like to order two large pizzas please.

Pizza parlor:  Would you like any toppings on that?

Colon:  Sausage on one and testosterone on the other.  No wait.  Make that testosterone on both.

Wishing to clean up baseball once and for all Selig then placed all players under surveillance.  The results were shocking.

A private detective hired to follow the Houston Astros reported:

I snuck into their locker room before a game and I saw 25 naked men applying cream to their underarms and buttocks.  I was confused at first and thought that perhaps these were the backup dancers for Lady Gaga.  But then I realized it was the players.  They were all applying the testosterone cream.  And this is the worst team in baseball!  God knows what the Washington Nationals or the Texas Rangers are doing.  I don’t want to even think about it.

A sample of the reports from detectives following all 30 teams shows:

• After hitting three home runs in one game against the Toronto Blue Jays, Baltimore designated hitter Chris Davis thanked

“God who has given me the talent to accomplish this.  And I also want to thank the makers of the testosterone cream I’ve been liberally applying to my underarms and buttocks.  Come to think of it, why am I thanking God?  It’s all the testosterone cream.” 

• After a game in Cleveland Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter picked up four models and brought them back to his hotel room.  When the models left in the morning they told the investigating detective that

Jeter was into “weird foreplay” and apparently had asked the women to apply cream to his underarms and buttocks and testicles.  “And when we tried to have sex with him we kept sliding off.”

• The entire San Francisco Giants team would take turns scooping testosterone cream out of a cup and applying it to their underarms, buttocks and testicles.   The detective hired to follow the team told Selig that

I asked one player why he was rubbing the cream on his testicles.  Did it make him a better player? He paused and said, “This stuff will make me a better player?  Cool!  No I applied it to my testicles because everyone else was.  I thought it was a pregame ritual.  Besides, it feels sexy.  Very sexy.”

Reviewing the findings and acting under the authority invested in him as Commissioner, Selig then ordered all players suspended for 50 games.

To be reinstated after their suspensions players must take the so-called “chair test.”  Players will be stripped naked and told to sit on a chair.

“If they slide off, we know they are still creaming.”

As to who will replace the suspended players for the remainder of the schedule, baseball executives are at a loss.

We thought about the Minor League players but they are all worse creamers.  So we thought about the players from the Little League World Championships.  But they’re all creaming as well.  So in place of the games we’re just going to show stock footage of organ grinders and monkeys.  That’s assuming the monkeys aren’t creaming.

Congress has announced hearings to look into the creaming scandal.

“Americans want to know that when they go to a game and a player slides it is a natural slide. Not a juiced slide” said  Senate Majority leader Harry Reid.

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Since I started this blog three and a half years ago I have been approached by friends and family with questions such as why blog?  What are the benefits? Has it changed your life? I have decided to answer all these questions by convening a round table of some of my fellow bloggers who will address your concerns.

The first question is “Why blog” and to answer that question I throw it over to King Shamus.

MI:  King Shamus. It’s good to have you here.  Perhaps you can answer that question. Why blog?

KS:  Well, I started my blog right after I was released from jail.  I couldn’t leave the state and my parole officer said I needed a hobby.

MI:  Money laundering?

KS:  A legal hobby.

MI:  Well that’s different, obviously.  I have to ask this question.  Why the disguise?

KS:  What disguise?  I always dress like this.  It relaxes me.  How do you relax?

MI:  I attend James Bond conventions wearing a t shirt that says, “Roger Moore was the best James Bond ever!”

KS:  How’s that work out for you?

MI:  I usually get the shit beat out of me.  You know for something that supposed to relax me it really isn’t very relaxing.

KS:  Have you seen Joe DiMaggio?  He’s supposed to keep Arthur Miller away from me.

MI:  I think you’re taking the dressing up to relax thing a bit to seriously.

KS:  Bobby Kennedy gave me all these pills.  He said to take them all at once.

MI:  Moving along, our next question is, “Has blogging changed your life.”  To answer this question is the renowned blogger Innominatus.

Inn:  Thank you for having me.

MI:  Innominatus.  Has blogging changed your life?

Inn: Seven-six-two millimeter. Full metal jacket.

MI:   Are those… live rounds?  Innominatus, if Mayor Bloomberg comes in here and catches us we’ll both be in a world of shit.

Inn:   I am… in a world… of shit.

MI:  Wow.  What a major malfunction on that  numbnut.  I guess it must be from living in Oregon.  Moving along to our next question.  Is there financial remuneration in blogging?  For the answer I throw it over to Matt from Conservative Hideout 2.0.  Matt, tell us, is there money in blogging? Matt?

CH 2.0:  Manhattan Infidel,  I want you to use all your powers, and all your skills.  I don’t want his mother to see him this way.   Look how they massacred my blog!

MI:  I’ll take that as a no.  There is no money in blogging.

CH 2.0 :  I spent my whole life trying not to be careless. Women and children can afford to be careless, but not bloggers. Listen, whoever comes to your blogging roundtable, he’s the traitor. Don’t forget that.

MI:  Right…….I’ll remember that.  Our next question is, “Can blogging further your career?”  To answer that it is my pleasure to introduce Jim from Conservatives on Fire. Jim, any thoughts on this?

COF:  Drink but never get drunk.  Steal but only from the rich.  Love but without passion.

MI:  What?  What the hell has that have to do with anything?

COF:  I probably shouldn’t tell you this but I was thinking of attacking Columbus, New Mexico, stealing horses and burning the town to the ground.

MI:  Right.  Okay I’m not getting any answers from you.  I guess I’ll finish this roundtable with the man known as the Right Wing Theocrat.

RWT:   What for you bury me in the cold, cold ground?

MI:  What?

RWT:  Rabbits!

MI:  Okay.  You know what.  That’s it.  The hell with it.  If anyone needs me I’ll be at Fitzgerald’s Pub having a pint. Or ten. God I never knew bloggers could be so crazy.

And so readers if you are thinking of starting a blog my advice is……DON’T!   It seems to lead to personality disorders.

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When the Mars Rover made a successful landing and beamed back pictures to Earth many world leaders sent notices of congratulations to the NASA team responsible for its success.  As a service to my readers I have compiled a series of quotes from said world leaders that show the triumph of the Mars Rover, as seen through the prism of each country’s unique cultural heritage.

From a filth-laden hovel somewhere deep in the Arab Spring,  Ayman al-Zawahiri, the head of al-qaeda  said that the landing of Rover

…proves what imperialists the Americans are.  Not content with bombing sacred Muslim soil they invade another planet to set up their dog western law. And what kind of name is “Rover” anyway?  It’s a Jew name. That’s what it is.  I’d say more but I’ve been squatting in my feces for so long I think I have dysentery.

From France former President Nicolas Sarkozy told reporters that

This is a great moment for France.  The Americans put in a lot of hard work to make this happen but the credit and glory all goes to France. The Rover, it will speak French, will it not?

From Italy Silvio Berlusconi was ecstatic.

I am running out of underage Earth girls to play sex games with.  I hear that Mars girls are wild. Sexually voracious.  In that respect they are just like we sophisticated Europeans.  I have already arranged transport for myself and a three-year supply of Viagra on the next Mars Rover.

From New York City, where she was shopping, First Lady Michelle Obama had this to say:

America is a downright mean country.  People are complaining that with unemployment almost nine percent I am shopping for 1,000 dollar handbags.  This is just petty.  The Mars Rover? Whatever. Let Mars eat cake!

And finally, from a golf course somewhere near Washington D.C., (which for security reasons I cannot reveal the exact location) President Obama hailed the safe landing of Rover.

This is a great moment for science.  This is a great moment for America.  This is a great moment for the Muslim world, who after all invented science.  But most of all I’d just like to say that Mitt Romney has not paid his taxes in ten years.

Being an educated man myself I am looking forward to all the pictures we will now have from Mars.  I will leave you with a new photo that just arrived from the Red planet:

Oh oh.  He looks pissed.  Just wait until he finds out I stole his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!

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