Confirming long-standing rumors that Joe Biden would be replaced on the ticket, President Obama announced today that his running mate in the 2012 general election will be toothpaste.  Making the announcement in the Rose Garden, Obama praised Biden for his years of service.

In making this announcement I want to say that this is not a reflection on Joe or the work he has done as my Vice President.  Joe has been an important part of my team the past four years and I want to thank him for serving under me.   All Americans, indeed, owe him a debt of gratitude.

President Obama then shook Biden’s hand.  Biden made a brief statement saying that it was his privilege to be Vice President and that he is now looking forward to retirement.

It was then that that man of the hour, toothpaste, was introduced to waiting reporters.  President Obama touted toothpaste’s long experience in the public sector.

Toothpaste is familiar to all Americans. He is a part of every household.  Toothpaste is also known around the globe, with the exception of England.  I am confident that his experience and qualifications will be an asset to me during the campaign ahead.

After the announcement many commentators speculated on the strength that toothpaste will bring to the ticket.

Foremost is toothpaste’s lack of embarrassing off-the-cuff statements like those that had plagued the outgoing Vice President.

On the floor of the Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid called toothpaste a “patriot” who has served America for generations.

Appearing on the O’Reilly Factor Dick Morris said that the choice of toothpaste was a “politically savvy move” that would make Obama an even more formidable opponent in November.

This choice is a no-brainer.  Let’s face it.  No one likes going to the dentist.  Toothpaste is an important part of preventative oral hygiene.  What Obama has done today is solidify the important dentist-hating demographic.  This will make him virtually unbeatable.  Yes, I know the economy sucks but hey, dentists suck even more.

However not everyone was sold on the choice of toothpaste.  The Southern Poverty Law Center stressed toothpaste’s lack of diversity.

Toothpaste is white.  Its job is to make teeth whiter.  Having toothpaste a heartbeat away from the Presidency has the potential to set America back decades to the days of segregation and Jim Crow laws.  Is this the message the Obama administration wants to send America?

Irregardless of the criticism Obama’s choice has the Romney campaign rethinking Paul Ryan and contemplating a new running mate who will offset the demographic strength of toothpaste.  Those close to the campaign say that Romney is in talks with fingernail clippers.

“It looks like it’ll be fingernail clippers.  That or a toilet brush” said an aide.

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