Fresh on the heels of the suspensions of Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon Commissioner Bud Selig announced that all 750 players in the American and National Leagues have been suspended 50 games after testing positive for elevated levels of testosterone.

“I was surprised to say the least” said a crestfallen Selig when making the announcement.   “I expected 99 percent of the players to test positive.  But not Jeter too!  I should have known.  Skip Bayless is always right!”

Things had apparently reached a crisis point when suspicions were raised about Colon. Desperate for the facts Selig had placed Colon under surveillance, which produced this incriminating tape:

Colon:  I’d like to order two large pizzas please.

Pizza parlor:  Would you like any toppings on that?

Colon:  Sausage on one and testosterone on the other.  No wait.  Make that testosterone on both.

Wishing to clean up baseball once and for all Selig then placed all players under surveillance.  The results were shocking.

A private detective hired to follow the Houston Astros reported:

I snuck into their locker room before a game and I saw 25 naked men applying cream to their underarms and buttocks.  I was confused at first and thought that perhaps these were the backup dancers for Lady Gaga.  But then I realized it was the players.  They were all applying the testosterone cream.  And this is the worst team in baseball!  God knows what the Washington Nationals or the Texas Rangers are doing.  I don’t want to even think about it.

A sample of the reports from detectives following all 30 teams shows:

• After hitting three home runs in one game against the Toronto Blue Jays, Baltimore designated hitter Chris Davis thanked

“God who has given me the talent to accomplish this.  And I also want to thank the makers of the testosterone cream I’ve been liberally applying to my underarms and buttocks.  Come to think of it, why am I thanking God?  It’s all the testosterone cream.” 

• After a game in Cleveland Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter picked up four models and brought them back to his hotel room.  When the models left in the morning they told the investigating detective that

Jeter was into “weird foreplay” and apparently had asked the women to apply cream to his underarms and buttocks and testicles.  “And when we tried to have sex with him we kept sliding off.”

• The entire San Francisco Giants team would take turns scooping testosterone cream out of a cup and applying it to their underarms, buttocks and testicles.   The detective hired to follow the team told Selig that

I asked one player why he was rubbing the cream on his testicles.  Did it make him a better player? He paused and said, “This stuff will make me a better player?  Cool!  No I applied it to my testicles because everyone else was.  I thought it was a pregame ritual.  Besides, it feels sexy.  Very sexy.”

Reviewing the findings and acting under the authority invested in him as Commissioner, Selig then ordered all players suspended for 50 games.

To be reinstated after their suspensions players must take the so-called “chair test.”  Players will be stripped naked and told to sit on a chair.

“If they slide off, we know they are still creaming.”

As to who will replace the suspended players for the remainder of the schedule, baseball executives are at a loss.

We thought about the Minor League players but they are all worse creamers.  So we thought about the players from the Little League World Championships.  But they’re all creaming as well.  So in place of the games we’re just going to show stock footage of organ grinders and monkeys.  That’s assuming the monkeys aren’t creaming.

Congress has announced hearings to look into the creaming scandal.

“Americans want to know that when they go to a game and a player slides it is a natural slide. Not a juiced slide” said  Senate Majority leader Harry Reid.

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