“The Red Sox are not a humorous institution sir.  And insubordination is no laughing matter.” ~ Bobby Valentine to Dustin Pedroia

And so late in August the Boston Mutineers came to town to play a three-game series against the Yankees.

The Yankees started Hiroki Kiroda (12-8 2.96) and the Mutineers started Josh “Where’s my chicken, man” Beckett  (5-11 5.23).

The Yankees scored in the bottom of the first.  Derek “I am loyal to my manager and as such would not fit in in the Red Sox organization” Jeter hit a 1-0 pitch for a line drive double.  After reaching third on a fielder’s choice he scored when Curtis Granderson doubled him home.  1-0 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the third Jeter led off with a double.  Swisher walked and the two executed a double steal.  Jeter then scored on a wild pitch.  2-0 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the fourth Ichiro Suzuki hit a home run into the second deck.  3-0 Yankees after four.

In the sixth the Yankees got their final run off another Suzuki home run.  4-0 Yankees after six.

The Mutineers got their only run of the game in the top of the seventh when Adrian Gonzalez hit a solo home run.  4-1 Yankees after seven.  And that was the final score as the Yankees defeated the Mutineers two games out of three in their weekend series.  Kiroda pitched eight innings giving up one run on four hits while striking out four.  Rafael Soriano relieved in the ninth and notched his 31st save.

Notes on the game:

As every civilized person knows by know the Mutineers held a meeting in New York in July with their owners demanding that Bobby Valentine be fired.  They were unsuccessful in their attempt.

But the Mutineers would not be discouraged.  During the third inning ESPN microphones picked up this conversation between Bobby Valentine (pictured here)

and Dustin Pedroia.

Pedroia:  Bobby, about your decision to leave Beckett in.

Valentine:  Bobby? Not captain or manager?  Bobby?

Pedroia:  I don’t think the men will have it.

Valentine:  Oh the man won’t have it?  Are they in charge of the Red Sox?

Pedroia:  They might be if you insist.

Valentine:  Again.  Will you repeat that please.  The men might be in charge? What are you threatening me with?

Pedroia:  It’s not a threat.  It’s a warning.

Valentine:  Oh?  There are rumblings are there?

Pedroia:  No.  There is fear. Don’t leave Beckett in to give up  11 runs again.

Valentine:  He was insubordinate.  Cowardly and insubordinate.  He frightened the men.  Are you frightened Pedroia?  Are you cowardly too?

After that things moved quickly.  In the eighth inning the Mutineers’ bench became active as the players whispered to each other, “Pedroia’s taking the dugout!”

It wasn’t long until Valentine and the eight players who did not attend the mutiny meeting with ownership were set adrift in a row boat on River Avenue.

With the game firmly in hand ESPN cameras trained themselves on the human drama unfolding in the Bronx night:

Valentine:  Well gentleman.  Between ourselves and Boston lies a couple hundred miles.  We have no charts and will have to navigate from  memory.    We will have to go through savage Connecticut where cannibalism is perfected almost to a science.  It will take us two months and we have provisions and water to last us one week.  So that is the situation gentleman, plain and simple.

God be with you, Bobby Valentine.  God be with you.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “The particular nature of the active male seed intends to produce a perfect likeness of itself, and when females are conceived this is due to a weak seed, or unsuitable material, or external influences like the dampness of the south wind!” just…..didn’t seem to catch on with the crowd.

I guess Yankee fans just aren’t hip to Thomas Aquinas.

Recommended reading material:

The Great Riots of New York, 1712-1873 by Joel Tyler Headley.

Reader mail:

Augustine of Hippo writes, “I found out by my own experience the difference between the restraint of the marriage alliance contracted for the purpose of having children and a bargain struck for lust.”

Yes, the difference is about $150 an hour.

T.S. of Queens writes “Dude that guy from Hippo knows his shit.”

And you’re from Philadelphia.  You will speak only when spoken to.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Don’t talk to T.S. that way.  We Philadelphians are a noble race.”

Suck it D.B.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I’m not from Philly but I do respect their prostitute killers. I learned everything from them.”

Um.

And so my record this year stands at a very respectable 7-3.  My next game is Monday, August 27th against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

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