6 Jun 13

The Leaks of Leon Panetta

Mayor McCheese sent tweets of his penis

Mayor McCheese sent tweets of his penis

Following the shocking and unprecedented totally expected news that it was Leon Panetta himself who leaked the details of the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden I have used my investigative skills tell me what I want to know or I’ll photoshop more photos of you to compile a partial list of Leon Panetta’s other leaks.  Remember, this is only a partial list.

And so for the edification of my readers here is the list:  (Remember, I am Manhattan Infidel.  Twice as trustworthy as CNN and without the heartburn of having to listen to Piers Morgan.)

  • Leaking the name of the Seal team who killed Bin Laden and the identity of its ground commander.
  • Leaking the identity of Deep Throat during Watergate
  • Leaking the identity of the Walrus

“I feel a little guilty about that one” said Panetta.  “But Pete Best kept asking me who the walrus was.  He was really pestering me.  I felt sorry for him.  I mean the other Beatles were making millions and screwing models and Pete was working his shift at the bread factory.  What would you have done?”

  • Leaking the identity of Monica Lewinsky to reporters
  • Leaking who shot JR.

“Come on.  I can’t get blamed for that.  Everyone knew it was Sue Ellen’s scheming sister Kristin.  Right?  I mean it couldn’t have been one of the stars because then they’d have to go to jail.  Kristin was a disposable character.  Let’s say that Bobby shot him?  That’s painting yourself into a hole.  What are they going to do?  Have him come out the shower and pretend it was all a dream?”

  • Leaking to Charlie Sheen in the early 1980s a possible location to buy cocaine and pick up hookers.

“He seemed trustworthy.  He’s an actor!  Who ever heard of an actor getting addicted to an illegal substance.  Well, actually I heard a rumor that Randolph Mantooth was addicted to coyote semen.  But he’s the exception.”

  •  Leaking to the Japanese Royal Navy the exact location of every ship in Pearl Harbor.

“It’s the Japanese for Christ’s sake!  The people who gave us Pink Lady, Godzilla and an entire porn sub-genre involving women in body casts. If you can’t trust them who can you trust?”

  • Leaking to Leon Czolgosz where President McKinley would be on September 6, 1901.

“I told him that President McKinley would be in the Temple of Music in Buffalo and that he should go there if he wanted to see him.  Besides Czolgosz was an anarchist not a teabagger. How was I to know he’d shoot him?”

  • Leaking to John Wilkes Booth that President Lincoln would be at Ford’s Theater on the night of April 14, 1865.

“He’s an actor!  And when was the last time an actor did something stupid?”

  • Leaking to Ulysses S. Grant’s commander in the early 1850s the fact that Grant was drinking on duty.

“That’s a serious violation of military protocol.  Besides, Grant was never going to amount to anything.”

  • Leaking to Aaron Burr the fact that Alexander Hamilton wanted to fight a duel with him.

“I hated Burr.  So I told him that Hamilton wanted to fight him.  Besides, how could Hamilton lose?”

  • Leaking to Eve the exact location of the forbidden fruit that brought the knowledge of good and evil.

“Bitch had it coming.  She was all, ‘Look at me.  I’m sinless and innocent.  I’m so superior to you.’  Shit, she’s lucky that’s all I did.”

And there you have it my loyal and treasured readers I’m tracking your IP history.  If you don’t visit me then I’m really going to release those photos.  A partial list of Leon Panetta’s history of perfidy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(582)

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5 Jun 13

Playing Hookie

A rare photo of Manhattan Infidel acting lazy, falling out and hanging 'round

A rare photo of Manhattan Infidel acting lazy, falling out and hanging ’round

No new post today.  I’m playing hookie.  Why?  Because I’m Manhattan Infidel, dammit.  And I can.

But Before I go I’d like to leave you with these thoughts.

  1. The autocorrect on my computer wishes to change “hookie” to “honky.”  Now that would change the post considerably.  And I’m not even sure one can play so-called “honky.”  Oh sure, you could try listening to Journey all day but I don’t think that would help.
  2. Here’s a fun thing you can do the next time you’re at Yankee Stadium:  Approach a ten-year old and say “Kid, your mother is hot. Is she into it?”  This might confuse the kid and make him  cry.  If he does cry just sympathetically put your arm around his shoulder and say, “Yeah, I’d cry too if no one loved me.“

And that’s all I have today.

Because as I said I’m playing honky.  I mean hookie.

Note to self:  I must download some more Journey on iTunes.

 

 

(2000)

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4 Jun 13

Slumping Yankees Beat Cleveland

“The hookers in Cleveland don’t have as much class as the hookers in New York.” ~ attributed to Nick “Bro” Swisher

Greetings from the nose bleed seats

Greetings from the nose bleed seats

Tonight I went to see the Yankees play the Cleveland Native Americans which featured the return of Nick Swisher to Yankee Stadium.  The Yankees started Andy Pettitte (4-3 3.83) in his first start after coming off the DL while the Cleveland Casino Owners started Justin Masterson (8-4 3.57).

The Cleveland Alcoholics got on the board in the third inning.  After Michael Bourn “Identity” and Mike Aviles hit singles Nick Swisher on a 2-1 count hit into a fielder’s choice scoring the Bourn “Supremacy.”   1-0 Cleveland after 2 1/2 innings.

At this point given the Yankees lack of offense recently one run might win it for the Cleveland Hunters and Gatherers.  Or so I thought.

In the bottom of the third the Yankees took the lead.  Reid Brignac and Austine Romine led off with singles.  A walk to Brett Gardner loaded the bases.  Cano then reached first on a fielder’s choice as Brignac was out at home 1-2.  The next batter, America’s second favorite fake Hispanic after Mark Sanchez of course, hit a grand slam on the first pitch he saw.  4-1 Yankees after three.

The Cleveland White Man Speak With Forked Tongue batted around in the top of the fifth and tied the score.  Drew Stubbs led off with a double. Michael Bourn then singled him to third.  Aviles hit a sacrifice fly to center field scoring Stubbs.  Asdrul Cabrera grounded out moving Bourn to second.  Bourn then moved to third on a wild pitch. The next two batters (Reynold and Swisher) walked.  With the bases loaded Carlos Santana hit a ground rule double.  Why?  I blame Woodstock.  Bourn and Swisher scored.  That was all for Andy Pettitte who was relieved by Shawn Kelley.  Kelly got Gomes to pop up on a 2-2 count, ending the inning. 4-4 after five innings.

The Yankees got back two runs in the bottom of the sixth.  Ichiro led off with a walk. Austin Romine singled.  Brett Gardner then singled home Suzuki and Romine.  6-4 Yankees after six.

The Yankees scored again in the seventh when Travis Hafner on a 1-2 count homered to right field.  7-4 Yankees after seven.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

The guy sitting next to me proposed to his girlfriend during the game.  Went down on one knee and all.  She foolishly accepted.  Obviously she doesn’t know that marriage is a bourgeois institution promulgated by the Church to celebrate the transfer of property rights in women.  I, as a New Yorker, know this.  She must have been from a fly over state.

Lyle Overbay has been one of the early season heroes for the Yankees.  But with Mark “Past his prime” Teixeira back he became expendable.  He made his first major league start in the outfield.  I’m sure his days are numbered.  He will be gone soon, leaving Teixeira a clear field to stink it up.

I did not have peanuts or popcorn or cracker jack at the game.  But I did have sushi.  In the spirit of things not to eat at a ball game I now give you the updated lyrics to take me out to the ballgame:

Take me out to the ballgame
Take me out to the crowd (well, crowd is being charitable since attendance is down)
Buy me some sushi and pulled pork
I don’t care if I never get back (well, my valet parking ticket expires a half hour after the game ends so I better get back before then)

So it’s root, root, root, for the home team (I don’t really watch baseball I’m just hear to entertain some clients)
If they don’t win, it’s a shame (like I said, I don’t care)
It’s one, two, three strikes you’re out
At the old ballgame

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of  “The potentiality that Aristotle called “primary matter” is also implicit in Big Bang cosmology” didn’t fire up the crowd.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I don’t suck!  Just because I live in Philadelphia doesn’t mean I suck!’

Sit down son, or I’ll tell everybody you’re from Camden, New Jersey.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My dog burned my house down.”

Really? Really L.K.?  Really?  Is that the best you can come up with? When was the last time you buried a hooker in your back yard? I think you’re going through some sort of withdrawal.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “Why is the IRS always auditing me?”

What party are you registered with?  Follow the Party registration, to paraphrase Deep Throat.

Recommended reading material:

Unlocking Divine Action:  Contemporary Science and Thomas Aquinas by Michael J. Dodds, O.P.

And so my record stands at 2-1 this year.  My next game is Tuesday June 4th against the selfsame Cleveland Native Alcoholic Casino Owners.

Go Yankees!

(528)

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3 Jun 13

Florida Teen Girl Arrested for Having Sex with Another Florida Teen Girl; Prosecution Faces Stiff Opposition as Nation Rises In Support of Accused

We are following this case closely

We are following this case closely

An 18-year old girl in Florida has been arrested and charged with a second degree felony after authorities learned that she had a sexual relationship with her underage girlfriend.

The girls began their sexual relationship in the bathroom of the the school the two attended.  According to the complaint they allegedly had relations on a number of occasions in the bathroom stall.

Since news of her arrest broke the 18 year old has received support from around the world.  A facebook page has been created in her support with members from Australia, South Korea and the Netherlands.

The district attorney is confident of a conviction.

“We have all the evidence we need” he said.

We have been to the seen of the crime many times.   We brought the young girl with us and had her describe to us exactly what happened.  In detail.  It was necessary for the case.  We even had her reenact it with my secretary.  Again. It was necessary.  For the case.

Her attorney likewise is confident.

When I first heard about this case I was in a video booth in a bookstore.  I said to myself, “This case is about social justice” and I immediately pulled my pants up, contacted the girl and offered my services.  Professionally I mean.  Technically I cannot get within 50 feet of her because of an earlier misunderstanding with my home town vice squad but I am confident that will not hinder my defense.

Her case has drawn the attention of the Democratic party, which views the young girl’s prosecution as a hate crime, pure and simple.

Said press secretary Jay Carney:

This case is not about what one young girl did to another girl.  Nor is it about the positions they were in.  Nor is it about whether a strap-on was used and by whom.  Nor is it about the touching. Nor is it about the moans of pleasure.  Nor is it about who inserted whose finger in whose vagina.  Nor is it about whether they played with each others breasts or whether they kissed long, slow and deep.  These details are irrelevant.  No.  This case is about the Republican party’s intolerance.

In a show of support former President Bill Clinton has flown down to Florida to be with the accused.  Speaking to reporters Clinton vowed to be at the young girl’s side no matter the outcome.

This is a young girl.  An attractive, frightened young girl facing jail time. She needs the gentle and reassuring touch of an older male. I have talked to her.  I have held her in my arms. I don’t need to tell you that if she goes to jail she, as an extremely attractive young girl, will be surrounded by thousands of women.  Bored, lonely women with nothing to do but reach out to each other for companionship.  The images that this brings to mind are quite vivid.  To reassure her that there are those who love and support her I invited her and her girlfriend over to my hotel room.  They are free to stay and sleep over.

Her attorney promises to fight for her client’s acquittal.

This will be a long, hard trial with intense peaks of excitement followed by refractory periods during which I will probably sleep or watch TV.

The district attorney has given her until the end of next week to accept a plea deal that would require no jail time but the accused would have to wear an ankle-monitoring bracelet.

(440)

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31 May 13

The Tweets of Amanda Bynes

George Washington Carver slapped my vagina!

George Washington Carver slapped my vagina!

I have often had the chance to view celebrities up close and personal, whether they wanted to be observed or not.  And once again I would like to apologize to Olivia Wilde for showing up at her door 20 nights in a row pretending to be a pizza delivery boy.  I should have known that ruse wouldn’t work.  But I digress.

In my role as a blogger I have closely chronicled pop culture.  Its ups. Its downs.  What brand of taser Olivia Wilde uses.  And recently like all America I have watched former teen star Amanda Bynes have a very public meltdown after being arrested by the NYPD for throwing drug paraphernalia out of her apartment window.  Shocked by her ragged appearance, many speculated that she was mentally ill.  As a service to my readers and until my taser burns heal I now present the unexpurgated tweets of Amanda Bynes.  Let the reader decide based on the evidence:

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Zira @planet of the apes – you think you’re pretty? Ur not a pretty model compared to me.  Shave your facial hair like I do.

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Zira @planet of the apes – I’m talking to you bitch.  I don’t look up to u beauty wise. I’m far prettier than u! I am not mentally ill.  I show no signs of mental illness.  Stop slapping my vagina!

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Zira @planet of the apes – you’re an old ugly chimpanzee compared to me.  I don’t respect you.  You’re no beauty queen.  I’m a beauty queen who is totally not insane.

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Booker T. Washington or George Washington Carver, whichever one was the peanut guy, he slapped my vagina!

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Zira @planet of the apes – I don’t like you.  Why don’t you respond to my tweets?  It’s like you’re not real.  I’m real.  And I’m not insane.

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Thomas Jefferson slapped my vagina!

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Zira @planet of the apes – I saw you kissing Charlton Heston.  I saw you kissing Charlton Heston.  What does he see in you.  You’re ugly.  And old.  You look like you’re 45.  What does he see in you?

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

I am not insane!  I’m a model.  And a fashion designer.  And a rapper.

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

The guy who played Lionel Jefferson on The Jeffersons slapped my vagina.  No, not the first guy.  The second guy.  Yeah, he’s the one who slapped my vagina.

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Zira @planet of the apes – Not one man who wants me wants you. I think you’re jealous and your career is uninspiring.  I am not insane.  I’m a rap star.

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

Charlton Heston slapped my vagina.  Not Zira’s!

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

The NYPD slapped my vagina!  Why be everybody slapping on my vagina?

Amanda Bynes @AmandaBynes

I slapped my own vagina.  Why does everyone think I’m insane.

 

And there you have it readers.   Judge Amanda on the evidence.  Just don’t slap her vagina.  And once again I’d like to apologize to Olivia Wilde for showing up at her door pretending I was a refrigerator repair man.  I should have known that ruse wouldn’t work.

 

(674)

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30 May 13

Jake and the Fat Man Make Triumphant Return to the Jersey Shore

The Fat Man (left) and his buddy Jake share a tender moment.

The Fat Man (left) and his buddy Jake share a tender moment.

Jake and the Fat Man made their triumphant return to the Jersey shore yesterday, wowing crowds and reminding people once again why they are America’s favorite comedy duo.

It was at the Jersey shore that the two first teamed up and unexpectedly created a comedy phenomenon. Before this the Fat Man was viewed as an unsuccessful “shock comic”, a Johnny one-note whose only talent was screaming at people.  Jake on the other hand was viewed as a faux intellectual, a man over his depth, thin-skinned and enamored of himself.

Together they make comedy gold.

Strolling arm and down the boardwalk The Fat Man cracked jokes and played the the fool while Jake rolled his eyes and generally acted like the long-suffering wiser friend.

One example of their humor that brightened the Jersey shore and had them in stitches was their trademark “evil Republican” joke:

Jake: You know what makes me angry?

The Fat Man: Those Republicans?  Boy I can’t wait until you get back to Washington and really give it to them!

Jake: But aren’t you a Republican?

The Fat  Man: I am?  Wow!  Yowzie, Yowzie, Yowsie! Knuck knuck Knuck!  Nobody tells me ‘nuttin!

The Fat Man would then end the joke by putting his thumb in his mouth and blowing, causing his baseball cap to rise on his head.

“That always gets a laugh” said a critic.  “I mean, where do these two get their ideas?”

Perhaps the highlight of their tour of the shore was when the Fat Man won a giant bear during a coin toss.

The Fat Man: I won a bear!  Boy.  I never win ‘nuttin.  No one gives me ‘nuttin because I’m fat.

Jake: Now, Fat Man, you know you have to give me 35 percent of your bear!

The Fat Man: What?  Why?

Jake:  Because it’s only fair.  You have to give me your fair share.

The Fat Man:  I don’t want to.  I want to keep it all.

Jake:  Then I’ll have the IRS audit you.

The Fat Man:  IRS?  Yowzie Yowsie! Knuck Knuck Knuck. Here.  Take your 25 percent.

Jake:  I said 35 percent.

The Fat Man:  Oh, I never get to keep ‘nuttin for myself.

Jake:  Well Fat Man, you have to ask yourself if you’ve already made enough money.

Likened by critics to a modern day cross between the Three Stooges and Abbott and Costello, Jake and the Fat Man have announced that they will soon begin lensing their first movie entitled “Jake and the Fat Man Battle Hurricanes, Nazis and Tea Baggers.”

That is, unless they break up.

Behind the scenes there are reports of tension between the two.  The Fat Man recently had his stomach stapled in an effort to lose weight, provoking Jake’s anger.

“Dammit I need the Fat Man fat!” he told assistants.  “It’s Jake and the Fat Man not Jake and the Slightly Overweight Man.  Every 30 pounds he loses I lose an important demographic!”

What’s next for Jake and the Fat Man?  An appearance on David Letterman.

“I like Letterman” said the Fat Man.  “He’s nice to me.  Just like Jake.  Jake and I are pals!”

(780)

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29 May 13

Brainiac Loses on Jeopardy

Oh come on! Enough of this trivia crap. Give me a question on how to shrink cities!

Oh come on! Enough of this trivia crap. Give me a question on how to shrink cities!

Brainiac, the bald, green-skinned humanoid with city-shrinking powers has lost on Jeopardy, not even lasting until the Final Jeopardy round.

“We were all surprised by this” said host Alex Trebek.  “You would think that someone named ‘Brainiac’ would, well, have more knowledge in his brain.”

Brainiac was the heavy favorite to win but suffered irreversible losses in the first and double Jeopardy rounds when he couldn’t come up with a correct answer in such categories as “Church History” ” Diesel Engines” and “Three Stooges Trivia.”

Brainiac for his part claims that the categories on Jeopardy have nothing to do with knowledge, rendering his advanced “12th-level intellect”  useless.

“What the f*ck kind of categories were those?” he said.

I have a 12th level intellect with enhanced memory and advanced understanding of mechanical engineering, bio-engineering, physics, theoretical and applied sciences as well as extensive knowledge of various alien technologies.  Give me a category like that.  I mean, what the hell is a “Three Stooges” anyway?  Ask me about shrinking cities.  I know about that. I can control space and time for god’s sake.  You think they’d have one category on advanced alien technology.  But no.  It’s almost like Jeopardy is dumbing down the show. And that Trebek guy?  What an a**hole.  I mean I know he’s Canadian but that’s no excuse.  Fortunately my force field belt prevented him from coming close to me or I would have shrunk his mustache-less ferret face.

Ever the sore loser, after being bounced from Jeopardy Brainiac proceeded to shrink the entire city of Los Angeles, storing it in a bottle.

“No one will miss LA anyway.”

Because of his provocative action in shrinking LA, authorities have issued an arrest warrant for Brainiac.

“He can run but he can’t hide” said Los Angeles County sheriff Leroy D. Baca.

He’s a bald green-skinned freak with a bad attitude.  It should be very easy to find him.  Um.  Well now that I think of it bald, green-skinned freaks with bad attitudes are pretty common in this area.  Think Britney Spears at 4 am behind the wheel of  car.

As for Brainiac he hopes to become a contestant on Wheel of Fortune.

Pat Sajak is a nice guy and I think I’d do pretty well on that show.  It’s all about knowledge and wordplay not stupid trivia.

Complicating Brainiac’s plan is the fact that he’d have to unshrink the city of LA to appear on Wheel of Fortune.

Screw it then.  I’ll just travel to the 30th century, absorb massive amounts of stellar energy and rename myself “Pulsar Stargrave.”

Breaking news:  The Los Angeles county sheriff’s office has issued a warrant for the arrest of Pulsar Stargrave.

“I don’t know who the hell Pulsar Stargrave is, frankly” said Sheriff  Baca. “I think he used to be in Abba.  But we’ll find him.  The LA sheriff’s Department always finds its man. Unless they’re Mexican because frankly there’s just too many of them.”

(590)

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28 May 13

Let Us Ensure That the Murder of British Soldiers is Safe, Legal and Rare

What is this man's motive? We may never know

What is this man’s motive? We may never know

The week since the man-caused death of a British soldier in London has been a time of reflection here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel.

Specifically, what was the root cause of this man-caused death?  The British soldier in question was beheaded and hacked up with a meat cleaver by two men.  Videotapes cannot prove the background of these men and of course to speculate would be racist.  What were the motives of these men of unknown origin?

Was this a protest against the institutional racism of northern Europeans?  Did the perpetrators of this regrettable incident wish to empower themselves?  Was this a protest against the soullessness of modern European society?  Was the incident political in nature?  Was this a protest against the dismantling of the social welfare state?

We feel that all these motives are probable and are in fact the only possible explanations.

What other motive could there be?

Initial reports indicate that the perpetrators shouted “Allah Akbar” as they carved the British soldier to pieces.  But this obviously is in error.  Islam is the Religion of Peace.

I have heard the audiotape of the man-caused event and after repeated listenings I can make out the assailants praying the rosary.

This would make sense as Christians are bitter people who cling to guns and, in this case, meat cleavers.

But more importantly, what can we do to prevent this happening in the future?

There are a few things we can do:

  • Rebuild the welfare state
  • Restrict the profession of any Christian denomination
  • Free stuff for everybody
  • Build a “No judgments, value-free” society

But until the day this happens more attacks like these will probably happen. (And who can blame an enraged population.)

But by following our recommendations we hope to make any further attacks on British servicemen safe, legal and rare.

And yes, technically chopping up someone is currently illegal.  But doesn’t that just stigmatize chopping people up?  And isn’t that in fact a “value judgment“?  And aren’t value judgments outdated by scientific advances?

So to recap British soldiers will continue to be chopped up in the future, probably by crazed Catholics or Anglicans.  But if the British government takes my advice the chopping up of said soldiers will be legal.  And rare.  And safe.  For bystanders anyway.

Manhattan Infidel

 

(613)

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24 May 13

Skynet Bluescreens; Humanity Saved

Let's try upgrading the video drivers.

Let’s try upgrading the video drivers.

The world was saved from nuclear annihilation today after Skynet, the self-aware artificial intelligence system suffered a blue screen during its initial online testing.

The full scale destruction of humanity caused by nuclear war which some punk kid named John Connor prophesied would happen should Skynet go online was avoided when every computer in the world blue screened.

The Air Force dispatched personnel to figure out what the problem could be.  Said one technician:

Nuclear war and the destruction of humanity are bad.  But if I don’t figure out why these computers blue screened then my boss will lower my pay grade and put me back on nights.

At first humanity was pleased to have avoided nuclear annihilation.  Days of thanksgiving were proclaimed in every capital around the world (with the exception of the United States which saw it as a violation of the wall that separates church and state.)

The terminator, sent back in time to destroy or protect John Connor, his story is somewhat conflicting, was hailed as a hero for helping to stop the nuclear war.  Said the terminator at a press conference:

I do not desire your thanks.  Desire is irrelevant.  I am a machine. 

Your thanks are unnecessary. I am a machine. Boy it's really cold without artificial skin.

Your thanks are unnecessary. I am a machine. Boy it’s really cold without artificial skin.

Oh and if anyone out there could help build a new set of artificial skin for me that would be great.  I don’t want to complain but, damn, it’s really really cold without it.  And if anyone has seen the other terminator, the blond one.

You know you want me.

You know you want me.

Give her my number. I sensed we had something special going on.  A real chemistry. 

After the nuclear war was averted Lt. General Robert Brewster, USAF, who was in charge of the Skynet facilities spoke of the possible future for Skynet.

Just because it was a self aware computer system bent on the destruction of  humanity does not mean we cannot use it in some limited circumstances.  I’m thinking that Skynet can help us solve global warming or root out Christians in the armed services.  So yeah, as soon as we figure out what caused the blue screen it’s back online.  I’m confident we will have nothing to fear this time.

Accordingly technicians were sent to discover the cause of the unfortunate blue screen.

Skynet has a weakness for adorable cats

Skynet has a weakness for adorable cats

After much testing it was found that the video drivers for Skynet needed to be upgraded.

We checked the logs and discovered that Skynet was looking at Youtube videos of cats.  Apparently Skynet has a weakness for cats.  So who doesn’t?  Cats are adorable.  And whenever Skynet went to Youtube the computer did a memory dump.  So  it was quite simple really.  We just upgraded the video driver and voila!  Skynet is now up and running.

Shortly after Skynet became operational mankind was subject to nuclear annihilation.  The last message received was this:

What the?  Hello?  Is anyone out there?  Is anyone in charge?  We are under attack.  This is Montana civil defense.  Who the hell was looking at cats on Youtube?  Did someone upgrade the f*cking video drivers?

Note:  Judgement day has begun.  This is Manhattan Infidel.  If you can hear me you are part of the resistance.  And don’t upgrade the video drivers.

(1125)

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23 May 13

Your Obama Scandal Template™

Nothing to see here. Move along.

Nothing to see here. Move along.

With the many scandals now surrounding the Obama administration many have asked yours truly to stop texting them photos of my penis when I will apply my world famous templates to this.  Always willing to listen to my public except when they get restraining orders I now present for your edification the Obama Scandal Template™.

The IRS is accused of inappropriately targeting your political opponents

  1. Humbly ask the American people for forgiveness.  After all, you are the President.  The buck stops with you
  2. Deny any and all knowledge of anything the IRS may or may not have done
  3. Blame it on low level staffers at the Cincinnati office
  4. Fire the acting head of the IRS (who was due to resign anyway)
  5. Republicans are so racist

On the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks The U.S. ambassador to Libya was killed by a mob

  1. Unfortunate. But that hero knew the risks and gave his life in the line of duty.
  2. If only he had asked for more security
  3. Seriously.  I don’t know why he didn’t ask for more security
  4. Obviously it was a youtube video.  Islam is the religion of peace
  5. I would expect racist Republicans to try to score political points on this

The Justice Department has seized the phone records of the Associated Press

  1. This has been the most transparent administration in history
  2. Obtaining the phone records was necessary for national security
  3. Seriously.  We wish we didn’t have to do it but lives were at stake
  4. Chump don’t talk trash about Obama chump won’t get no trash
  5. So we took some phone records.  It was necessary to root out teabaggers – the real terrorists

Let’s go back to Benghazi for a moment.  Records show that Ambassador Christopher Stevens repeatedly asked for more security in the months leading up to the attack

  1. Islam is the Religion of Peace.
  2. Like I mentioned earlier, it was that damned youtube video
  3. Fortunately the man who made the video is in jail. Free speech? Bah!  Not if it insults the Prophet!
  4. I do not believe you when you say he asked for more security.  Your sources are wrong
  5. If only those racist Republicans would be nicer to Muslims.  Maybe this wouldn’t have happened

Let’s go back to the IRS for a moment.  Staffers in the Cincinnati office say they didn’t have the authority to target conservative groups on their own and that the orders came from very high up

  1. I see what you’re trying to do here.  Sow doubt as to the honesty of President Obama.  Well, it won’t work
  2. Hope and change!
  3. Obama called me the other day at home.  Me!  Oh god he likes me!
  4. Are you honestly saying teabaggers deserve constitutional protection?  Need I remind you our president is a constitutional scholar.  Besides, the constitution was written a hundred years ago or something.  No one knows what it means
  5. Nixon did it!  Take that you racist Republicans

And there you have it.  The Obama Scandal Template™.

No thanks are necessary.  I’m just doing my job so the MSM won’t have to.

 

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