“The hookers in Cleveland don’t have as much class as the hookers in New York.” ~ attributed to Nick “Bro” Swisher

Greetings from the nose bleed seats

Tonight I went to see the Yankees play the Cleveland Native Americans which featured the return of Nick Swisher to Yankee Stadium.  The Yankees started Andy Pettitte (4-3 3.83) in his first start after coming off the DL while the Cleveland Casino Owners started Justin Masterson (8-4 3.57).

The Cleveland Alcoholics got on the board in the third inning.  After Michael Bourn “Identity” and Mike Aviles hit singles Nick Swisher on a 2-1 count hit into a fielder’s choice scoring the Bourn “Supremacy.”   1-0 Cleveland after 2 1/2 innings.

At this point given the Yankees lack of offense recently one run might win it for the Cleveland Hunters and Gatherers.  Or so I thought.

In the bottom of the third the Yankees took the lead.  Reid Brignac and Austine Romine led off with singles.  A walk to Brett Gardner loaded the bases.  Cano then reached first on a fielder’s choice as Brignac was out at home 1-2.  The next batter, America’s second favorite fake Hispanic after Mark Sanchez of course, hit a grand slam on the first pitch he saw.  4-1 Yankees after three.

The Cleveland White Man Speak With Forked Tongue batted around in the top of the fifth and tied the score.  Drew Stubbs led off with a double. Michael Bourn then singled him to third.  Aviles hit a sacrifice fly to center field scoring Stubbs.  Asdrul Cabrera grounded out moving Bourn to second.  Bourn then moved to third on a wild pitch. The next two batters (Reynold and Swisher) walked.  With the bases loaded Carlos Santana hit a ground rule double.  Why?  I blame Woodstock.  Bourn and Swisher scored.  That was all for Andy Pettitte who was relieved by Shawn Kelley.  Kelly got Gomes to pop up on a 2-2 count, ending the inning. 4-4 after five innings.

The Yankees got back two runs in the bottom of the sixth.  Ichiro led off with a walk. Austin Romine singled.  Brett Gardner then singled home Suzuki and Romine.  6-4 Yankees after six.

The Yankees scored again in the seventh when Travis Hafner on a 1-2 count homered to right field.  7-4 Yankees after seven.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

The guy sitting next to me proposed to his girlfriend during the game.  Went down on one knee and all.  She foolishly accepted.  Obviously she doesn’t know that marriage is a bourgeois institution promulgated by the Church to celebrate the transfer of property rights in women.  I, as a New Yorker, know this.  She must have been from a fly over state.

Lyle Overbay has been one of the early season heroes for the Yankees.  But with Mark “Past his prime” Teixeira back he became expendable.  He made his first major league start in the outfield.  I’m sure his days are numbered.  He will be gone soon, leaving Teixeira a clear field to stink it up.

I did not have peanuts or popcorn or cracker jack at the game.  But I did have sushi.  In the spirit of things not to eat at a ball game I now give you the updated lyrics to take me out to the ballgame:

Take me out to the ballgame
Take me out to the crowd (well, crowd is being charitable since attendance is down)
Buy me some sushi and pulled pork
I don’t care if I never get back (well, my valet parking ticket expires a half hour after the game ends so I better get back before then)

So it’s root, root, root, for the home team (I don’t really watch baseball I’m just hear to entertain some clients)
If they don’t win, it’s a shame (like I said, I don’t care)
It’s one, two, three strikes you’re out
At the old ballgame

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of  “The potentiality that Aristotle called “primary matter” is also implicit in Big Bang cosmology” didn’t fire up the crowd.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I don’t suck!  Just because I live in Philadelphia doesn’t mean I suck!’

Sit down son, or I’ll tell everybody you’re from Camden, New Jersey.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My dog burned my house down.”

Really? Really L.K.?  Really?  Is that the best you can come up with? When was the last time you buried a hooker in your back yard? I think you’re going through some sort of withdrawal.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “Why is the IRS always auditing me?”

What party are you registered with?  Follow the Party registration, to paraphrase Deep Throat.

Recommended reading material:

Unlocking Divine Action:  Contemporary Science and Thomas Aquinas by Michael J. Dodds, O.P.

And so my record stands at 2-1 this year.  My next game is Tuesday June 4th against the selfsame Cleveland Native Alcoholic Casino Owners.

Go Yankees!

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