Brainiac Loses on Jeopardy

Oh come on!  Enough of this trivia crap.  Give me a question on how to shrink cities!

Oh come on! Enough of this trivia crap. Give me a question on how to shrink cities!

Brainiac, the bald, green-skinned humanoid with city-shrinking powers has lost on Jeopardy, not even lasting until the Final Jeopardy round.

“We were all surprised by this” said host Alex Trebek.  “You would think that someone named ‘Brainiac’ would, well, have more knowledge in his brain.”

Brainiac was the heavy favorite to win but suffered irreversible losses in the first and double Jeopardy rounds when he couldn’t come up with a correct answer in such categories as “Church History” ” Diesel Engines” and “Three Stooges Trivia.”

Brainiac for his part claims that the categories on Jeopardy have nothing to do with knowledge, rendering his advanced “12th-level intellect”  useless.

“What the f*ck kind of categories were those?” he said.

I have a 12th level intellect with enhanced memory and advanced understanding of mechanical engineering, bio-engineering, physics, theoretical and applied sciences as well as extensive knowledge of various alien technologies.  Give me a category like that.  I mean, what the hell is a “Three Stooges” anyway?  Ask me about shrinking cities.  I know about that. I can control space and time for god’s sake.  You think they’d have one category on advanced alien technology.  But no.  It’s almost like Jeopardy is dumbing down the show. And that Trebek guy?  What an a**hole.  I mean I know he’s Canadian but that’s no excuse.  Fortunately my force field belt prevented him from coming close to me or I would have shrunk his mustache-less ferret face.

Ever the sore loser, after being bounced from Jeopardy Brainiac proceeded to shrink the entire city of Los Angeles, storing it in a bottle.

“No one will miss LA anyway.”

Because of his provocative action in shrinking LA, authorities have issued an arrest warrant for Brainiac.

“He can run but he can’t hide” said Los Angeles County sheriff Leroy D. Baca.

He’s a bald green-skinned freak with a bad attitude.  It should be very easy to find him.  Um.  Well now that I think of it bald, green-skinned freaks with bad attitudes are pretty common in this area.  Think Britney Spears at 4 am behind the wheel of  car.

As for Brainiac he hopes to become a contestant on Wheel of Fortune.

Pat Sajak is a nice guy and I think I’d do pretty well on that show.  It’s all about knowledge and wordplay not stupid trivia.

Complicating Brainiac’s plan is the fact that he’d have to unshrink the city of LA to appear on Wheel of Fortune.

Screw it then.  I’ll just travel to the 30th century, absorb massive amounts of stellar energy and rename myself “Pulsar Stargrave.”

Breaking news:  The Los Angeles county sheriff’s office has issued a warrant for the arrest of Pulsar Stargrave.

“I don’t know who the hell Pulsar Stargrave is, frankly” said Sheriff  Baca. “I think he used to be in Abba.  But we’ll find him.  The LA sheriff’s Department always finds its man. Unless they’re Mexican because frankly there’s just too many of them.”


2 Responses

  1. “No one will miss LA anyway.”

    Well, Brainiac is right about that. Could we get him to do the same thing to all of California and how about Washington, D.C.? Chicago?

    Brainiac for President!!!!

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Jim: You forgot about Detroit. And as far as Brainiac running for President, it all depends on what the focus groups and his advisers say.

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