Skynet Bluescreens; Humanity Saved

Let's try upgrading the video drivers.

Let’s try upgrading the video drivers.

The world was saved from nuclear annihilation today after Skynet, the self-aware artificial intelligence system suffered a blue screen during its initial online testing.

The full scale destruction of humanity caused by nuclear war which some punk kid named John Connor prophesied would happen should Skynet go online was avoided when every computer in the world blue screened.

The Air Force dispatched personnel to figure out what the problem could be.  Said one technician:

Nuclear war and the destruction of humanity are bad.  But if I don’t figure out why these computers blue screened then my boss will lower my pay grade and put me back on nights.

At first humanity was pleased to have avoided nuclear annihilation.  Days of thanksgiving were proclaimed in every capital around the world (with the exception of the United States which saw it as a violation of the wall that separates church and state.)

The terminator, sent back in time to destroy or protect John Connor, his story is somewhat conflicting, was hailed as a hero for helping to stop the nuclear war.  Said the terminator at a press conference:

I do not desire your thanks.  Desire is irrelevant.  I am a machine. 

Your thanks are unnecessary.  I am a machine.  Boy it's really cold without artificial skin.

Your thanks are unnecessary. I am a machine. Boy it’s really cold without artificial skin.

Oh and if anyone out there could help build a new set of artificial skin for me that would be great.  I don’t want to complain but, damn, it’s really really cold without it.  And if anyone has seen the other terminator, the blond one.

You know you want me.

You know you want me.

Give her my number. I sensed we had something special going on.  A real chemistry. 

After the nuclear war was averted Lt. General Robert Brewster, USAF, who was in charge of the Skynet facilities spoke of the possible future for Skynet.

Just because it was a self aware computer system bent on the destruction of  humanity does not mean we cannot use it in some limited circumstances.  I’m thinking that Skynet can help us solve global warming or root out Christians in the armed services.  So yeah, as soon as we figure out what caused the blue screen it’s back online.  I’m confident we will have nothing to fear this time.

Accordingly technicians were sent to discover the cause of the unfortunate blue screen.

Skynet has a weakness for adorable cats

Skynet has a weakness for adorable cats

After much testing it was found that the video drivers for Skynet needed to be upgraded.

We checked the logs and discovered that Skynet was looking at Youtube videos of cats.  Apparently Skynet has a weakness for cats.  So who doesn’t?  Cats are adorable.  And whenever Skynet went to Youtube the computer did a memory dump.  So  it was quite simple really.  We just upgraded the video driver and voila!  Skynet is now up and running.

Shortly after Skynet became operational mankind was subject to nuclear annihilation.  The last message received was this:

What the?  Hello?  Is anyone out there?  Is anyone in charge?  We are under attack.  This is Montana civil defense.  Who the hell was looking at cats on Youtube?  Did someone upgrade the f*cking video drivers?

Note:  Judgement day has begun.  This is Manhattan Infidel.  If you can hear me you are part of the resistance.  And don’t upgrade the video drivers.


4 Responses

  1. So where are my 99 high breasted virgins? Hello! Hello!

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