I do not make sacrifices. The people make sacrifices for me!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the honor and privilege of interviewing the first lady of the United States, Michelle Obama herself.  I sat down with her in her hotel suite at the Shelbourne hotel in Dublin to discuss how she likes being first lady.

MI: Good afternoon Mrs. Obama.

MO: Are you addressing me?

MI: Yes.  Mrs. Obama I’d like to ask you – 

MO: Are you royalty?

MI: No.  I’m a reporter.

MO: Then you may address me by my title:  Consort of his Holiness the Benevolent Barack Obama, all holy, all wise, ruler of the vast domains of the American Empire.

MI: Um.  That’s not your title. 

MO: Yes it is.  You shall address me by it or I shall have you buried alive.

MI: Okay.  Let’s talk about your trip to Ireland.  It will reportedly cost the American people 5.2 million for two days abroad.  You and your retinue of 30 are staying in $3,500 a night suites in the Shelbourne Hotel.  Yet your husband – 

MO: His Holiness the Benevolent Barack Obama, all Holy, All Wise, Ruler of the Vast Domains of the American Empire.

MI:  Yeah, that’s not his title either.

MO: Your questions are beneath my dignity as a consort.

MI: [Sigh].  Anyway.  Your husband said, and I quote “To meet our fiscal challenge we will need to make reforms.  We will all need to make sacrifices.”   As I said your trip will cost the taxpayers 5.2 million for two days.  You have 30 people following your every whim who are staying in suites that most people would not be able to afford.  Doesn’t this all come back to making reforms?  Do you think this reflects well on a republic to have its elected leader and his wife travelling with a retinue and surrounded by luxuries that would make a divine right monarch envious?

MO: [Silence]

MI: Mrs. Obama?

MO:  YOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS CONSORT OF HIS HOLINESS BARACK OBAMA, ALL HOLY, ALL WISE, RULER OF THE VAST DOMAINS OF THE AMERICAN EMPIRE!!

MI: Okay.  This interview is going nowhere.  Mrs. Obama – 

MO:  I shall order your death.  Death by boats.  A painful torture.  You shall be stripped naked and placed inside two hollowed out tree trunks with your legs and feet protruding.  You will then be forced to ingest milk and honey until you have a bowel movement or diarrhea.  More honey will be rubbed on your body to attract flies. You shall then be left to float in a stagnant pond.  This will attract even more insects who will feed on your body and they will burrow into your flesh.  

MI:  Yeah, I’ll just let myself out.

MO: Don’t turn your back on me.  I am the consort of his holiness Barack Obama – 

MI: Can’t hear you.  Listening to my iPod.  Bye.

And so I left Mrs. Obama in her hotel suite.  Imagine trying to scare me with “The Boats.”  That’s just a typical fishing trip for me.  Minus the beer.

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A gun is a tool

Notorious gunman Shane appeared today before a special senate subcommittee on gun violence.  His testimony was highly anticipated and the audience was packed as the cable news networks covered the event in its entirety.

Dianne Feinstein: Good morning Mr. Shane.  We thank you for coming to this committee.  As you know we are currently in the grips of an epidemic of gun violence in America.

Shane:  I wouldn’t call it an epidemic ma’am.  In fact gun violence is down.

Dianne Feinstein: Would you do me a favor and address me as senator and not ma’am?

Shane: Yes senator.  As I was saying gun violence is down.

Dianne Feinstein: I have to disagree with you.  Gun violence is up.  Every day there is another shooting in a school.  We have to ban guns.  It’s for the children.  I feel the country would be much better if every last gun disappeared.

Shane: A gun is a tool senator Feinstein.  No better or worse than any other tool, a shovel, an axe or anything.  A gun is only as bad or as good as the man using it.  Remember that.

Dianne Feinstein: You dare preach to me?

Shane: You’re from the 1960s.  Your days have come to an end.

Dianne Feinstein: My days? What about yours, gunfighter?

Shane: The difference is I know it.

Dianne Feinstein: So what do you propose I do about it?  Hand over my guns to my bodyguards and start harvesting potatoes?

Shane: Not just yet.

At this point a man in the audience stood up and attempted to shoot Senator Feinstein.  Shane shot him dead before he was able to get a round off.

Dianne Feinstein: Shane thank you.  Thank you.  You saved me life.  Is he (the gunman) dead?

Shane: Yes he’s dead.  I got to be going on.

Dianne Feinstein: Why Shane?

Shane: A man has to be what he is, Senator Feinstein.  Can’t break the mold.  I tried it and it didn’t work for me.

Dianne Feinstein: We want you.  The Senate committee wants you.

Shane: Senator Feinstein, there’s no living with……with a killing.  There’s no going back from one.  Right or wrong, it’s a brand.  A brand sticks.  There’s no going back.  Now you run on home to your constituents and tell them……tell them everything’s alright.  And there aren’t any more guns on Capitol hill. 

Senator Feinstein notices Shane is wounded.

Senator Feinstein:  It’s bloody. You’re hurt!

Shane: I’m alright.  You go home to your constituents and grow up to be strong and straight.

Senator Feinstein:  Shane!  Shane come back. The committee’s got things for you to do.  And I want you.  I know I do!

And with that a wounded Shane rode off into the sunset.  The special Senate subcommittee on gun violence will resume next week.

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Have you considered a career in the NSA?

Greetings recent graduates.    Having completed college you are about to embark on your careers.  Most will become teachers, fireman or in some capacity work for the government.  A few of you will get jobs in the private sector.

But have you considered a career in the NSA?

As an employee of the NSA you will be on the fast track to an exciting career in the burgeoning field of data mining.

What is data mining?  Simply put data mining is the process where Americans are kept safe from possible terrorist attacks by intercepting their phone, medical and internet records.

What’s that you say?  Your grandfather was a miner in West Virginia and had to wear a mining helmet.  He also died of black lung disease. Will this happen to you?

It will if you beat your boss in the Friday night bowling match.  Ha ha.  That’s just some government humor.  You see, we in the government are your friend.  We are your father.  Your mother.  Your brother.  Your best friend.  And we care for you.  The Federal government is the only thing we all belong to.

But back to your question.  No.  You won’t die of black lung disease  Though some of the restaurants in Washington D.C. serve pretty bad food.  Ha ha.  More government humor.

As an employee of the NSA you will be working in an air-conditioned office filled with all the creature comforts a young person like you expects.  Why we even have Wi-Fi for your iPhone.

Are you ready, psyched, as you young people say to start your exciting career.  If you still have doubts ask yourself the  following questions:

• Do you want a job in the private sector with a company that may go out of business or do you want to work for a Federal agency that will only grow larger?
• Do you like frequent vacations and conventions in exotic locations where you will get a chance to stay in 3,000 dollar a night hotels that you don’t have to pay for.  That’s right.  As a Federal employee the tax payers will pick up your tab.
• Do you have little or no skill set?
• Do you have no people skills.
• Do you like computers?
• Are you a voyeur?
• Do you like to view people in their most private and intimate moments?
• Do you like to collect information on people who do not share the values of the Administration?
• Are you paranoid?  Vindictive?
• Do you have a heightened sense of your own superiority and importance?
• Are you a “good” person who believes in all the right things?
• If so, do you believe that whatever you do will be justified because you are in fact a “good” person?
• Does the thought of collecting your neighbor’s phone records and internet usage for the past year and then criminalizing his behavior excite you?
• Do you want a lifetime guarantee of a job?
• Do you wish to belong to one of the most powerful public sector unions?
• Do you want to retire at 55 and have a great pension paid for by the American people?

If you answered yes to many of these questions then a career at the NSA is for you!

The NSA.  Keeping America safe (except for the Boston Marathon bombing and Major Nidal Hassan) by data mining.

We will protect you by knowing all about you.

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Soon spandex will rule the streets

As many may already know, New York City has recently started the world’s largest bike share program.  Hailed as pro-environment, the bike share program will allow New Yorkers to pick up a bike at any of the designated kiosks for the low price of 95 dollars per year.

Naturally a new program like this will have its share of glitches and many people have emailed me no one has emailed me with their questions about the program.  I am delight to respond to your questions.  Will someone please email me.  I’m very lonely.

• My key won’t work in the kiosk.  I’ve just paid my money and now I have no bike.  What are my options?

Excellent question.  What the hell’s wrong with you?  You call yourself a New Yorker?  Use the tire iron you keep in your backpack to destroy the lock.  If anyone asks any questions just tell them to “Mind your f*cking business. Capish?  Don’t make an animal out of me.”

• I’m having trouble finding a place to park my car.  The parking spot in front of my building was taken over by a row of bike kiosks.  What do I do?

I understand your frustration.  Finding a parking spot in Manhattan can be harder than finding an affordable one bedroom.  I might be on shaky legal ground here but I’d say you were justified in running over the damn kiosks with your car.  Just destroy them all.  And then park where they once stood.  That’ll show the damn bikers who’s boss.

• I’m thinking of selling my car and using the bike share program to commute to work.  Is this a valid option?

You disgust me.  If I see you on the road I’ll run your motherf*cking ass over.

• No seriously.  I want to use the bike share program to commute to work.  I care about the environment and social justice.  I’m a good person.

Do me a favor?  Could you stand by your window. That’s it.  Stand still right by your window. [A shot rings out.]  A hit!  A palpable hit as Shakespeare once said.  I bet you Shakespeare never road no damn bicycle.

• Look, my philosophy is “live and let live.”  If people want to ride bikes let them ride bikes.  What’s the big deal?

You must live on the upper west side.

• I don’t mind bikers on principle but do they have to wear spandex?  Something about spandex just gets me angry.

I don’t blame you.  Traffic is bad enough without these biker assholes but do I have to see your balls?  That’s enough to make anyone angry.  Again, I may be on shaky legal ground here but I think you’d be totally justified in running a few bikers off the road.

• I was riding my bike the other day when some idiot cut me off, got out of his car and punched me.  Should I press charges?

Press charges?  For what you spandex-wearing freak. If anything he should press charges after having to see your balls.  You’re just lucky he didn’t shoot you. I would have.

• I’m the captain of a Star Ship.  A super villain named Khan just killed my child.  What do I do?

That’s a tough break. I would file a complaint with the authorities.  Just one question.  Was he wearing spandex?

• Yes, he was wearing spandex.

Kill the son of a bitch.

And there you have it readers.  I have tried to answer all your questions about the new bike share program.  If you are thinking of coming to New York City to visit we welcome you and enjoy your stay.

Just don’t ride any bikes you small town, spandex-wearing, ball-showing freaks.

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