Have you considered a career in the NSA?

Greetings recent graduates.    Having completed college you are about to embark on your careers.  Most will become teachers, fireman or in some capacity work for the government.  A few of you will get jobs in the private sector.

But have you considered a career in the NSA?

As an employee of the NSA you will be on the fast track to an exciting career in the burgeoning field of data mining.

What is data mining?  Simply put data mining is the process where Americans are kept safe from possible terrorist attacks by intercepting their phone, medical and internet records.

What’s that you say?  Your grandfather was a miner in West Virginia and had to wear a mining helmet.  He also died of black lung disease. Will this happen to you?

It will if you beat your boss in the Friday night bowling match.  Ha ha.  That’s just some government humor.  You see, we in the government are your friend.  We are your father.  Your mother.  Your brother.  Your best friend.  And we care for you.  The Federal government is the only thing we all belong to.

But back to your question.  No.  You won’t die of black lung disease  Though some of the restaurants in Washington D.C. serve pretty bad food.  Ha ha.  More government humor.

As an employee of the NSA you will be working in an air-conditioned office filled with all the creature comforts a young person like you expects.  Why we even have Wi-Fi for your iPhone.

Are you ready, psyched, as you young people say to start your exciting career.  If you still have doubts ask yourself the  following questions:

• Do you want a job in the private sector with a company that may go out of business or do you want to work for a Federal agency that will only grow larger?
• Do you like frequent vacations and conventions in exotic locations where you will get a chance to stay in 3,000 dollar a night hotels that you don’t have to pay for.  That’s right.  As a Federal employee the tax payers will pick up your tab.
• Do you have little or no skill set?
• Do you have no people skills.
• Do you like computers?
• Are you a voyeur?
• Do you like to view people in their most private and intimate moments?
• Do you like to collect information on people who do not share the values of the Administration?
• Are you paranoid?  Vindictive?
• Do you have a heightened sense of your own superiority and importance?
• Are you a “good” person who believes in all the right things?
• If so, do you believe that whatever you do will be justified because you are in fact a “good” person?
• Does the thought of collecting your neighbor’s phone records and internet usage for the past year and then criminalizing his behavior excite you?
• Do you want a lifetime guarantee of a job?
• Do you wish to belong to one of the most powerful public sector unions?
• Do you want to retire at 55 and have a great pension paid for by the American people?

If you answered yes to many of these questions then a career at the NSA is for you!

The NSA.  Keeping America safe (except for the Boston Marathon bombing and Major Nidal Hassan) by data mining.

We will protect you by knowing all about you.

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