Soon spandex will rule the streets

As many may already know, New York City has recently started the world’s largest bike share program.  Hailed as pro-environment, the bike share program will allow New Yorkers to pick up a bike at any of the designated kiosks for the low price of 95 dollars per year.

Naturally a new program like this will have its share of glitches and many people have emailed me no one has emailed me with their questions about the program.  I am delight to respond to your questions.  Will someone please email me.  I’m very lonely.

• My key won’t work in the kiosk.  I’ve just paid my money and now I have no bike.  What are my options?

Excellent question.  What the hell’s wrong with you?  You call yourself a New Yorker?  Use the tire iron you keep in your backpack to destroy the lock.  If anyone asks any questions just tell them to “Mind your f*cking business. Capish?  Don’t make an animal out of me.”

• I’m having trouble finding a place to park my car.  The parking spot in front of my building was taken over by a row of bike kiosks.  What do I do?

I understand your frustration.  Finding a parking spot in Manhattan can be harder than finding an affordable one bedroom.  I might be on shaky legal ground here but I’d say you were justified in running over the damn kiosks with your car.  Just destroy them all.  And then park where they once stood.  That’ll show the damn bikers who’s boss.

• I’m thinking of selling my car and using the bike share program to commute to work.  Is this a valid option?

You disgust me.  If I see you on the road I’ll run your motherf*cking ass over.

• No seriously.  I want to use the bike share program to commute to work.  I care about the environment and social justice.  I’m a good person.

Do me a favor?  Could you stand by your window. That’s it.  Stand still right by your window. [A shot rings out.]  A hit!  A palpable hit as Shakespeare once said.  I bet you Shakespeare never road no damn bicycle.

• Look, my philosophy is “live and let live.”  If people want to ride bikes let them ride bikes.  What’s the big deal?

You must live on the upper west side.

• I don’t mind bikers on principle but do they have to wear spandex?  Something about spandex just gets me angry.

I don’t blame you.  Traffic is bad enough without these biker assholes but do I have to see your balls?  That’s enough to make anyone angry.  Again, I may be on shaky legal ground here but I think you’d be totally justified in running a few bikers off the road.

• I was riding my bike the other day when some idiot cut me off, got out of his car and punched me.  Should I press charges?

Press charges?  For what you spandex-wearing freak. If anything he should press charges after having to see your balls.  You’re just lucky he didn’t shoot you. I would have.

• I’m the captain of a Star Ship.  A super villain named Khan just killed my child.  What do I do?

That’s a tough break. I would file a complaint with the authorities.  Just one question.  Was he wearing spandex?

• Yes, he was wearing spandex.

Kill the son of a bitch.

And there you have it readers.  I have tried to answer all your questions about the new bike share program.  If you are thinking of coming to New York City to visit we welcome you and enjoy your stay.

Just don’t ride any bikes you small town, spandex-wearing, ball-showing freaks.

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