Breaking News: Kim Kardashian Gives Birth to Demon Child

Kim Kardashian, daughter of the man who helped O.J. commit murder is seen here carrying the demon child

Kim Kardashian, daughter of the man who helped O.J. commit murder is seen here carrying the demon child

Kim Kardashian, daughter of the man who helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder gave birth to a demon child in Los Angeles over the weekend.

The delivery was normal at first” said a nurse who was involved.

But after the child was born it turned its head around, totally around, like 360 degrees around and said “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”  Still, this is Hollywood and we have delivered lots of celebrity children so we didn’t think much about it.  I mean when we delivered Will Smith’s kid Jaden he was in liquid form.  He then morphed into a solid and ate the doctor.  Like I said, this is Hollywood.  Totally normal.

Things took a turn for the worse when the newly-delivered baby destroyed everything within a four-block radius of the hospital.  The child also appeared to have an impassible body.  Declared a SWAT team member called to the scene of the former hospital.

We have seen the kid move through solid walls. Its body has changed shape.  It appears to be able to change matter simply with his thoughts.  When I told it to surrender it looked at me and smiled.  The next thing I know my penis was where my nose used to be and my nose was where my penis used to be. Normally this would be a cause of concern but so far it hasn’t used a plastic trash bag or 100-watt light bulb so we’re inclined to cut it some slack.  Hey, does anyone have a tissue?  I have to blow my penis.

As the demon child moved through Los Angeles grateful citizens converged on the child bearing gifts which it accepted.  Women removed their gold earrings which were melted down and cast into the figure of a calf.  And the people cried out, “”Here is our God.”  An altar was built in front of the golden calf which pleased the demon child immensely.

As the people of Los Angeles offered burnt sacrifice and welcome offerings the demon child addressed them:

I am the Demon child of the daughter of the man who helped O.J. get away with murder and Kanye West.  You shall have no other demon child besides me.  Not even Will Smith’s demon children.  Those who worship other demon children will be put to death.  Or have their penis put where their nose used to be.  Whichever I deem funnier.  And yes I realize humor is very subjective and what I find funny someone else might not but, um – now you made me lose my train of thought.  What was I talking about?  Oh yes.  Penises where noses used to be.  Never fails to crack me up.

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa praised the citizens of Los Angeles for their prompt acceptance of the demon child.

Los Angeles is a very tolerant town.  As such we welcome our new demon child.  As long as he doesn’t use plastic bags or build a bonfire pit on our pubic beaches he is welcome to live here.  It’s not like we haven’t dealt with demon children before.  Hello?  Kiefer Sutherland?  Total demon.

The as yet unnamed demon child has signed a six picture deal with Universal Studios.


One Response

  1. A future president, no doubt. It’s important to keep traditions alive, don’t you think?

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