A recent photo of Superman

Beloved superhero Superman has turned seventy five.  I recently had the opportunity to sit down and talk with him on a wide range of subjects, including what it’s like to be a senior citizen.

MI: Good afternoon Superman. 

SM: What?

MI: I said good afternoon.

SM: Oh.  You’ll have to excuse me son.  I don’t hear too well anymore.

MI:  So tell me, how does it feel to be seventy five?

SM: You really want to know son?  Do you really want to know?

MI: Sure.  That’s why I’m here. I’m sure your fans would like to know as well.

SM:  I feel f*cking useless.  That’s how I f*cking feel.

MI: I did not now that.  I wasn’t aware of this. But you’re a superhero?  Surely you have plenty to do, what with saving the world and all?  I mean your super hearing still is able to hear cries for help?

SM: I can’t hear as well anymore.  I already told you that.  Besides, even if I did hear a cry for help, I can’t fly.

MI: You can’t fly?

SM: No.  The FAA grounded me.

MI:  What?  No. What happened?

SM:  I was flying and I had on my reading glasses while I looked at a map and the glasses fell off and landed in a school yard. Left a 15 foot hole in the ground.  Poor kids were frightened.  Thought they were being bombed.  The school was locked down.  SWAT teams showed up.  The kids were let out of the school in single file while the parents picked them up. It was a whole big mess. 

MI: And you were blamed?

SM: I was just trying to read the goddamn map.  I have to use my reading glasses now or I can’t see shit.

MI: I’m sorry to hear that.

SM: Hey, do you mind if I go to the bathroom?  Damn I just went ten minutes ago and I have to go again.

[Superman gets up and leaves]

MI: I knew I should have interviewed Batman instead.

[Superman returns]

SM: Goddamn it.  Nothing but a dribble.  I have to go all day and when I do nothing.  No steady stream.

MI: Um.  So tell me.  Are you still reporting for the Daily Planet?

SM: Motherf*ckers retired me!  Said it was a mandatory age-related thing.

MI: I’m sorry to hear that.  So how do you pass the time?

SM:  I hang out in in bars mostly

MI: Is that good for your health?

SM: Who cares.  My liver’s shot anyway.  Hey do you mind if I use the bathroom?

MI: No go right ahead.

[Superman leaves]

MI: I knew I should have interviewed Ironman instead.

[Superman returns]

SM: Nothing!  Nothing!  Goddamn prostate must be the size of Texas!

MI: I have about all the information I need.  Thank you for your time.

SM: Where the hell are you going?

MI: I’m sorry but I have to get back to the office.

SM: Give me some money.

MI: What?

SM: Give me money!  My social security doesn’t even cover my rent.

MI:  Here’s twenty dollars.  That’s all I can spare.  I have to go.

[Manhattan Infidel gets up to leave]

SM: Get the hell off my lawn!

MI: I knew I should have interviewed The Lone Ranger instead.

SM: I have to go to the bathroom.  Goddamn Medicare doesn’t cover Flomax.

And so ended my interview with a lonely, bored and prostate-compromised Superman.  I knew I should have interviewed Captain America instead.

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