Stay away from this woman! She is a major cause of cancer in the world today!

In the week since the shocking disclosure that veteran actor Michael Douglas’ throat cancer was caused by oral sex the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel has been flooded.  Literally.  Damn kitchen sink.  I should call a plumber.  Anyway back to our topic today:  The stunning discovery that Catherine Zeta-Jones causes cancer.  I shall now try, to the best of my ability, answer the fears and questions of my readers.

“Without getting to specific” said Douglas, “this particular cancer is caused by HPV which actually comes about through cunnilingus.”

To repeat:  Pleasuring Catherine Zeta-Jones will give you cancer.  Bad cancer.

• I am a pizza delivery boy and I have to deliver pizza to Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Delivering pizza to Catherine Zeta-Jones per se will not give you cancer as long as you limit yourself to just delivering pizza.

• What if she opens the door and is wearing just a see-through negligee?

Be curt!  Give her the pizza, take your change and tip and if you value a cancer-free existence do not perform cunnilingus on Ms. Jones.

• But she grabs me and brings me into her house, throwing me onto the couch.  She then lets her negligee fall to the floor while saying, “You know what I want.  I want you to do that special thing you do with your tongue.”

You are in serious danger, son.  I suggest running to the sink and running cold water over your face.  If this doesn’t work try grabbing your testicles and squeezing.   This will have the practical effect of ending your desire to engage in cancer-causing activity with Ms. Jones.

• What if she tries to unbuckle my pants?

On page 2,334 of the Affordable Health Care act commonly known as “Obamacare” it is stated that cancer caused by oral sex will not be covered.

• Seriously?  Not covered.  Cut me some slack!

Take a cold shower son.

• What if she brings in a hot women and they start to make love?

Are you watching or participating?

• Just watching

This is a safe activity.  You might want to take some photos on your iPhone.  And send them to me.  I need these photos for documentary purposes only.

• What if she insists I join in?

Michael Douglas.  Oral cancer.  Seriously.  Do you want to end up looking like this?

I blame my wife.

• I admit you have valid points.  But I’m only a man.  What can I do to resist such a cancer-causing temptress?

Prayer and fasting.  Or try a job other than delivering pizza.

• But I love delivering pizza.

Have you considered selling drugs instead?  No man ever got cancer from selling crack.

• So oral sex with Catherine Zeta-Jones is absolutely forbidden?

Don’t do it son.

• I feel sick to my stomach.  Sick and dirty.  Sick, dirty and disgusted.

This is the only way to avoid cancer.

• Thank you Manhattan Infidel.  You may just have saved my life.

It’s why I started this blog.  Go in peace my son.  And avoid Welsh women.

And there you have it readers.  Follow my advice and you will live a long, healthy life.

Oral sex:  Don’t do it.  Try smoking instead.  It’s safer.

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