I love your policies!

For the past week the spotlight has been on Anthony Weiner and his sexting partner Sydney Leathers.  Since Miss Leathers (middle name Corinthian) seems fond of the spotlight I, Manhattan Infidel, out of the goodness of my heart have decided to give her some career advice to extend her 15 minutes of fame.

• Replace Snooki on a “reboot” of Jersey Shore

Miss Corinthian Leathers, you’d be a natural.  Before you America’s favorite non-beach body tramp was Snooki.  She brought our fractured, bleeding country together with her antics.  You can be the next Snooki.  Miss Corinthian Leathers, use your talent to unite this country!

• Pose as the centerfold for Playboy

Sydney, if I may call you that, I think you should pose naked for Playboy.  Just look what it did for Marilyn Monroe and Pamela Anderson.  And you’re just like them. Without the sex appeal.  So take off your clothes and have your body photographed by a professional photographer.  No more iPhone shots for you!  With a circulation twice as much as Penthouse Playboy is still a player in the soft porn field.  Use that old man Hefner as your ticket to fame!

• Become a co-host on “The View”

Since Elizabeth Hasselbeck left that show America has become listless, spiritually bankrupt.  Sydney, America needs you.  Think of the joy you can bring to our country discussing political issues of the day with Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar.  I dare say that you, and only you, can restore pride to America.  Why I can just imagine the witty discourse:

Goldberg: So Sydney, what do you think of the NSA spying program?

Leathers: They can spy on my anytime!  I just shaved and I’m totally smooth down there.  If you know what I mean.

Goldberg: I have to vomit.

Leathers: Funny. That’s what my last online boyfriend said when I sent him a photo of my recently shaved private area.

• Become a comfort girl (for Democrats only)

Imagine the joy you can bring to our middle-aged Democratic congressmen and senators as you take care of their physical needs.  As Mary Jo Kopechne said to herself when her fingernails scratched the windows of the car she was drowning in, “My death will make Ted a more compassionate Senator.” You will have the privilege of saying “I took his load so he can fight the Republican war on women.“

And when the Herpes sores start showing up on your lips and genitals remember: It was for a good cause.

• Sheep porn

Sydney, before you say no let me say this:  Sheep porn is an undervalued niche of hard core porn industry.   And since the last sheep porn actress retired to work for the Mayor of San Diego they need a new superstar in the field.  You can be that woman!  Bridge the sheep-human sexuality gap!

And there you have it readers. Advice that I believe will extend Miss Corinthian Leathers’ 15 minutes of fame.

What the – I just got a text from Sydney Leathers.  She says she “fell in love with my policies.”  I admit my bundled insurance package with Progressive saves me money but how did she find out?

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We must indoctrinate our youth to the glory of the state

Being an insatiable alcoholic reader I often find myself sleeping until 2 pm and then vomiting browsing the web looking for documents relevant to this blog.  Accordingly it gives me great pleasure to present to my readers a document I found on the Democratic National Committee’s website entitled “Declaration on Democratic Education.”

Preface

The Sacred Democratic Party has given careful consideration to the paramount importance of education.  In fact the education of youth and the continuing education of adults is rendered more necessary by the existence of Fox News and conservative bloggers.

For her part Holy Mother Democratic Party in order to fulfill the mandate she received from her founders to announce the mystery of statism is under an obligation to promote the welfare state.

Accordingly the Sacred Democratic Party hereby promulgates some fundamental principles concerning indoctrination of Democratic youth.

1. All men, woman and transgendered  of whatever race, condition or age, unless they are white men of northern European origin who don’t work in Hollywood and aren’t millionaires have an inalienable right to Democratic indoctrination. True eductation is directed towards the formation of the human person and of that society to which he belongs.  Democratic tradition calls this the social contract.
2. As they grow older they should receive a positive education in matters relating to sex.  Particularly questions like:

• Is ten years old too early to masturbate
• I’m 12 and I think I’m gay.  Can I have sex with an older man just to try it out?
  
• I heard prostitution is empowering. 
• I want to grow breasts and become a transsexual.  Why won’t Republicans let insurance companies cover this?
• How do I start a career in porn?
• My teacher wants me to touch his thing.
• Oral sex not dodge ball for gym class!
• My 14 year old girlfriend is pregnant and my parents won’t drive us to the abortion clinic.  What are my options?
• They didn’t tell me in health class if swallowing is good for me.  Do you have any documentation on this?
• I play trombone in the band.  Should I switch to a rusty trombone?
• Is bestiality an option?
• Is giving blow jobs for milk money an example of the social contract?

Accordingly  the Sacred Democratic Party affirms that children and teenagers have the right to be stimulated in the classroom by their teachers. We earnestly request that all those in charge of education ensure that young people are never deprived of the opportunity to express themselves sexually.

Such an education ensures that teens are introduced to their sexual organs and the sexual organs of their friends and teachers.  They will also benefit by being exposed at an early age on how to best achieve orgasm.

Moreover conscious of their sexuality they should learn to give witness to Democratic values and contribute to the growth of the Democratic Body.

End of Part I

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You’re my hero Manhattan Infidel!

When the news of the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal Part II broke the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel had many questions:  How could Weiner let this happen again?  Will he pull out of the Mayor’s race? How does his wife feel?  And most importantly, this Sydney Leathers girl is hot.  Can I have a steamy online conversation with her as well?

Fortunately for me as a powerful member of the elite mainstream media I was able to contact her.  The following is the transcript of our steamy, sexy online chat.  If you are prudish or have children in the room I advise you not to read any further.

MI Hi Sydney. 

SL: Manhattan Infidel I get so hot just thinking about talking to you.

MI: Please, call me “Barack Danger.”

SL: Okay……Mr. Danger.  I bet you’re a dangerous bad boy.

MI: No.  I like to play it safe.  I’m a homebody for the most part.

SL: Um.  Okay.  So what do you fantasize about?

MI: Mainly a world without hunger or war.

SL: Um.  Okay  But I’m naked.  I just got out of the shower and I’m dripping wet honey.

MI: You’re dripping on the floor?

SL: Yes big boy.

MI: But I just cleaned!

SL: Um.  Okay.  But I’m naked.  Totally naked.

MI:You really should put some clothes on.  You know with the air conditioner on you might catch cold.

SL: Um.  Okay.  I’m so hot –

MI: You might be coming down with the flu.  Please put some clothes on.

SL: Goddammit listen to me. I’m hot for you!  I want you to bend me over –

MI: Well alright.  As long as you didn’t just eat Mexican.  Because that could get messy.

SL: I want to grab your c*ck!

MI: But I don’t own any poultry.

SL:  My p*ssy is so wet!

MI: Really?  My cat hates the water. It’s so hard trying to give her a bath.

SL: Oh, is it hard, sexy?

MI: You bet.  My cat hisses and scratches me.

SL: I want you to bend me over a chair and play with my p*ssy.

MI: Well how am I supposed to do both at the same time?

SL: Would you hold my hair while I gagged on your c*ck?

MI: I told you I don’t own any poultry.  And there are many nerve endings in hair follicles.  It might be painful if I grab your hair.

SL: Um. 

MI:  Well I have to go.

SL: What?  You came? Already?

MI: What’s that?  You want me to come over?  Are you sure?  But what about your cat?  I don’t like wet cats.  They are surly.

SL: Just bring your c*ck.

MI: For the last time I don’t own any poultry.

SL: That does it.  This isn’t going anywhere. I’m logging off.

MI: I’m deeply flawed.

SL: No shit Sherlock.

And there you have it readers.  My steamy online chat with Sydney Leathers, the woman who took down Anthony Weiner.  I hope you weren’t too shocked by the steamy conversation.  I apologize if you were.

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I stand by my pro-female reproductive freedom husband

Once again the wife of a politician has been publicly humiliated by her husband. Watching Huma Abedin, Slida Wall Spitzer and Hillary Rodham Clinton beside their husbands has taught me one thing:  Feminism means standing by your man.  And so without malice or forethought and wishing to aid in the dissemination of knowledge I now present the Official Professional Political Wife Scandal Template™.

Your husband has been caught

1. Having sex with another woman
2. Having sex with another man
3. Having sex with a transsexual
4. Sending pictures of his “junk” online
5. Sexting women online

As his wife it is your duty to

1. Cut his nuts off.
2. Release a statement apologizing for cutting your husband’s nuts off
3. Release a statement saying that it is a difficult time in your marriage but that you love your husband and ask the press to respect your privacy
4. Release a statement saying that you “really really really love” your husband, that he isn’t perfect and that you beg the forgiveness of the public
5. Appear at his side during his press conference, all the while gazing adoringly at him.  For extra sympathy, stand within five feet of him and/or let him put his arm around you

When news first reached you of your husbands transgressions, you

1. Searched for the sharpest knife to cut his nuts off
2. Felt betrayed but remembered that you are a feminist and have a duty to stand by your man
3. Seriously.  You must stand by him.  After all, it’s not like he’s a Republican and is waging war on women
4. Your husband is reliably pro-female reproductive freedom.  So what if he wants to get his rocks off elsewhere.  How does this concern me?
5. I must support my husband.  If he loses the election we’ll have to get jobs

Since the scandal broke your husband has fallen behind in the polls.  What do you do?

1. Frankly I’ve been too busy looking for something sharp to cut his nuts off to worry much about the polls
2. Release a statement reminding the voters of all the free stuff they get because of my huband
3. Film a campaign commercial where you smile at the camera and tell the voters how much you love and admire your husband
4. Speak at campaign rallies and remind the voters that you are a normal family just like everybody else and you’re trying to scratch by on your $100,000 a night speaking engagement fee
5. This son of a bitch better not lose the election.  It’s all about power.  I want the power!

Your husband has lost the election.  What now?

1. Point a gun at him and force him to cut his own nuts off
2. I can’t work in the private sector!  Your accountable for your performance and all that
3. There is no power in the private sector
4. Raise your speaking fee to $200,000 a night.  You’re more valuable now and everyone wants to hear how you battled back from depression
5. Get a talk show with Anderson Cooper

And there you have it readers:  the Professional Political Wife Scandal Template™.  Void where prohibited by law.

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Anthony Weiner is flanked by his wife, Hillary Rodham Clinton, er, Huma Abedin

Anthony Weiner, front runner to succeed Lord Michael Bloomberg as the next mayor of New York City has come upon hard times. Two years after resigning his house seat in disgrace because of a sexting scandal he has once again been caught sexting to younger women.

Using the screen name “Carlos Danger” he allegedly promised gifts and a condo in Chicago (presumably on the north side) to his online companion.

Editors note:  This explains why the name Carlos Danger was unavailable when I, Manhattan Infidel, tried to call myself that. To promote my blog online of course.

After the shocking, sexually explicit texts were revealed Weiner held an emergency press conference where he referred to himself as a “deeply flawed man” and asked the forgiveness of New Yorkers.  He also vowed to stay in the race.

As for the women who was the object of Weiner’s attentions, she has bravely come forward to tell her side of the story.

The online relationship lasted about a year.  He contacted me first using the screen name “Carlos Danger.”  At first I thought I was talking to Carlos Delgado,

I use the screen name “Innominatus.”

the former major league baseball star for the Toronto Blue Jays and New York Mets who retired with 473 home runs, a .280 batting average and an OPS of  .929.  But Carlos called me and said it wasn’t him and that he uses the screen name “Innominatus.”  I thought this was odd since I’ve often talked to Innominatus (pictured here)

Hi. It’s me, Innominatus. How’d you like a condo in Chcago?

but he apparently goes by the screen name “Matt from Conservative Hideout. I thought that was very odd because I’ve talked to Matt before (pictured here)

I said my screen name is “Barack Danger!”

and his screen name is “Jim from Asylum Watch.”  And this just confused me even more since I’ve spoken to Jim from Asylum Watch (pictured here)

If you want hot talk come to me

and he tells me his screen name is “Manhattan Infidel.”  And that’s just impossible since I’ve blocked Manhattan Infidel (pictured here)

Would you like to touch my banana?

that freak!  I mean I’m an independent feminist.  Why must I always be victimized by men!  I’m in a bad place.  I’m vulnerable!

As for Weiner all is not lost.  Hollywood has announced that they will be making a movie based on his life.

“It’s going to be a story of human redemption” said an executive.

While a script has not been written yet they do have a theme song which goes like this:

There’s a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
Odds are he won’t live to see tomorrow

He’s a danger man.  He’s a danger man!
They’ve given you a number and taken away your name

Beware of pretty faces that you find
A pretty face can hide an evil mind
Ah, be careful what you say
Or you’ll give yourself away
Odds are you won’t live to see tomorrow

He’s a danger man!  He’s a danger man!
They’ve given you a number and taken away your name

In the running to play Weiner in the movie is Andy Dick.

I am a weiner

“He was born for the role.  Because when you think of Weiner you think of Dick.”

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I like the water. It’s pretty.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg of New York City and Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York State, arguably the two most famous differentially abled men in America went white water rafting in the Adirondacks yesterday.

“I like water” said Bloomberg.  “It’s pretty.  I like to drink water.  Can I drink this water?”

Wearing special helmets in case they have seizures the two, accompanied by guardians to ensure the duo didn’t drown or otherwise hurt themselves, set off on the Indian River 310 miles north of Manhattan, the last unspoiled part of New York.

Things went well at first despite Bloomberg losing his mouthguard.

“We usually keep that in his mouth and ask him to bite on it to prevent him from having a seizure or swallowing his tongue” said an aide. “Because when he’s excited he gets all spastic.”

As they moved downstream Bloomberg was the more vocal of the two, frequently shouting and pointing, “I see a fish” and “Water is pretty.”

The more reserved Governor Cuomo was silent, except for occasionally checking to see if he had his gun by his side.  “I have to protect my little buddy” he said.

Trouble soon erupted when the pair stopped to eat a healthy lunch of yogurt.  While eating they were approached by several local mountain men who took the pair prisoner.

As Cuomo was tied to a tree by his neck others forced themselves upon Bloomberg.

“Now let’s see you drop them pants!’

Bloomberg was repeatedly penetrated by the non-elite mountain men, who seemed to take special delight in what they were doing.  At one point they even told Bloomberg to “Squeal like a pig boy.  Wheeeee!  Come on boy.  Squeal now!  Wheeeee!’

“Is this gluten free pig?” replied Bloomberg.

As Bloomberg was violated Cuomo, despite being tied by his neck managed to pull out a pistol and fire off seven rounds.

“Dammit” Cuomo was heard to declare.  “I almost got them.  If only I had eight or nine rounds. But I outlawed that.”

After they had finished with Bloomberg the mountain men set their attention on Cuomo.

“He’s got a real pretty mouth, ain’t he?” said one of the men as he unzipped his pants.

Bloomberg, still recovering from his assault screamed out, “Don’t put that in your mouth Andy.  It looks like it’s more than 32 ounces.”

Both Cuomo and Bloomberg have since gone missing. State police have mounted an all-out search for the pair.

“We’re used to a governor missing” said police superintendent Joseph A. D’Amico.   “Hell Spitzer used to go missing all the time when he was whoring.  But usually he was the one doing the raping.”

Until Cuomo and Bloomberg are found Lt. Governor Robert Duffy will be acting governor of New York.

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The Jews made me grow old!

Helen Thomas, former dean of the White House Press Corps died Saturday at the age of 92 of “natural causes.”  Though all are agreed that “natural causes” is just a Jew code word for blood murder.

“It’s true” said a doctor who attended her at the hospital.

She was 92 years old.  And it’s not like 92 year old people suddenly die.  She was worried that the Jews were going to get her.  She said, “Doc I only fear two things:  looking at my face and Jews.  The Mossad has had it in for me since I ordered the assassination of that one-eyed freak Moshe Dayan.”

President Obama quickly eulogized Thomas.

She broke new ground for women.  Before Helen the only trade open to ugly women was becoming Episcopalian priests or the LPGA.  This was before they started getting hot golfers like Natalie Gulbis and Paula Creamer.  But since Helen ugly women everywhere have had a role model.  Ugly women who might have been shunned by polite society instead became reporters who would be shunned by polite society.  At the first press conference I held she was right there in the front row. And when I held my second press conference six months later she was there again in the front row.  I asked her why she always sat in the front.  She said, “So that a Jew doesn’t sit here.”  I appreciated her looking out for me like that.

Thomas had covered every President since John Kennedy.  It was during the Kennedy administration that Thomas first started ending press conferences with her signature, “Thank you Mr. President.  For not being a Jew.”

“Kennedy liked seeing me in the front row” said Thomas.

He told me that seeing me made him more thankful that he was able to sleep with women like Marilyn Monroe and Jackie.  And we did have something else in common.  He slept with a Nazi spy during World War II and I was a Nazi spy during World War II.

President Obama has ordered an investigation into her suspicious death.

“I could have been Helen Thomas 35 years ago” said the bright, clean and articulate President.

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