Wolverine Slashes Prices!

I'm slashing prices for my customers!

I’m slashing prices for my customers!

Wolverine, the mutant with animal-like senses and enhanced physical capabilities that have allowed him to survive with the metal alloy adamantium bonded to his skeleton, has announced that he is slashing all prices at his four flower shops in the Hudson Valley.

“I’m slashing everything! I’m the wolverine and when I slash, I slash!  For my customers of course.”

The Wolverine, who goes by the name of Logan, will be extending store hours this weekend in conjunction with his lower prices.

Logan, formerly a tough, antihero mutant who ran with a shadowy group of fellow mutants called the “X-Men”  has had a rough go at civilian life since being ousted from the X-Men and business analysts believe his weekend sale is his last chance to turn a profit.

“His other business ventures weren’t too successful” said an industry expert.

How many remember his tire store?  Exactly my point.  That didn’t last long.  It turns out that customers were none too happy about being given tires that were slashed.  Serves Wolverine right.  He should have hired someone without adamantium claws coming out of his hand to handle the tires.  But would he listen?  No.  Mutant thinks he knows everything.

When his tire business folded Logan tried his hand as a for-hire clown at children’s birthday parties.  Again, the venture failed.

I don’t know who was giving him advice but this had disaster written all over it.  The children were frightened by his claws and the balloons he attempted to blow up for the kids?  Well, let’s just say it’s difficult to blow a balloon up when it’s been slashed. 

The end of the clown experiment came when one child asked Logan to help him go to the bathroom.

“On the bright side the poor kid still has most of his genitalia” said a policeman about the incident.

After ditching his clown suit Wolverine tried his hand at a dance instructor.  Again, to no success.

The idiot has metal claws.  Metal claws!  And he was trying to teach women how to do the Tango?  Is this guy a total freaking idiot?  One woman was disemboweled.  Another lost a breast.  What the hell was his business plan?

With three failures behind him Logan opened up his flower shops, believing it to be his last chance.  While there have been no fatal incidents as of yet, his reputation has made customers wary of doing business with him.  Many believe that is why he announced the sale.

“Come on down to any of my stores.  I’ll even cut your flowers myself!” said one radio spot.

The sale runs through Monday.


4 Responses

  1. That’s the way capitalism is supposed to work in a free market. Everyone has the God-given right to fail.

  2. innominatus says:

    I think Edward Scissorputz could kick his ass.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>