The Jews made me grow old!

Helen Thomas, former dean of the White House Press Corps died Saturday at the age of 92 of “natural causes.”  Though all are agreed that “natural causes” is just a Jew code word for blood murder.

“It’s true” said a doctor who attended her at the hospital.

She was 92 years old.  And it’s not like 92 year old people suddenly die.  She was worried that the Jews were going to get her.  She said, “Doc I only fear two things:  looking at my face and Jews.  The Mossad has had it in for me since I ordered the assassination of that one-eyed freak Moshe Dayan.”

President Obama quickly eulogized Thomas.

She broke new ground for women.  Before Helen the only trade open to ugly women was becoming Episcopalian priests or the LPGA.  This was before they started getting hot golfers like Natalie Gulbis and Paula Creamer.  But since Helen ugly women everywhere have had a role model.  Ugly women who might have been shunned by polite society instead became reporters who would be shunned by polite society.  At the first press conference I held she was right there in the front row. And when I held my second press conference six months later she was there again in the front row.  I asked her why she always sat in the front.  She said, “So that a Jew doesn’t sit here.”  I appreciated her looking out for me like that.

Thomas had covered every President since John Kennedy.  It was during the Kennedy administration that Thomas first started ending press conferences with her signature, “Thank you Mr. President.  For not being a Jew.”

“Kennedy liked seeing me in the front row” said Thomas.

He told me that seeing me made him more thankful that he was able to sleep with women like Marilyn Monroe and Jackie.  And we did have something else in common.  He slept with a Nazi spy during World War II and I was a Nazi spy during World War II.

President Obama has ordered an investigation into her suspicious death.

“I could have been Helen Thomas 35 years ago” said the bright, clean and articulate President.

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