Two Retarded Men Go Whitewater Rafting

I like the water.  It's pretty.

I like the water. It’s pretty.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg of New York City and Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York State, arguably the two most famous differentially abled men in America went white water rafting in the Adirondacks yesterday.

“I like water” said Bloomberg.  “It’s pretty.  I like to drink water.  Can I drink this water?”

Wearing special helmets in case they have seizures the two, accompanied by guardians to ensure the duo didn’t drown or otherwise hurt themselves, set off on the Indian River 310 miles north of Manhattan, the last unspoiled part of New York.

Things went well at first despite Bloomberg losing his mouthguard.

“We usually keep that in his mouth and ask him to bite on it to prevent him from having a seizure or swallowing his tongue” said an aide. “Because when he’s excited he gets all spastic.”

As they moved downstream Bloomberg was the more vocal of the two, frequently shouting and pointing, “I see a fish” and “Water is pretty.”

The more reserved Governor Cuomo was silent, except for occasionally checking to see if he had his gun by his side.  “I have to protect my little buddy” he said.

Trouble soon erupted when the pair stopped to eat a healthy lunch of yogurt.  While eating they were approached by several local mountain men who took the pair prisoner.

As Cuomo was tied to a tree by his neck others forced themselves upon Bloomberg.

“Now let’s see you drop them pants!’

Bloomberg was repeatedly penetrated by the non-elite mountain men, who seemed to take special delight in what they were doing.  At one point they even told Bloomberg to “Squeal like a pig boy.  Wheeeee!  Come on boy.  Squeal now!  Wheeeee!’

“Is this gluten free pig?” replied Bloomberg.

As Bloomberg was violated Cuomo, despite being tied by his neck managed to pull out a pistol and fire off seven rounds.

“Dammit” Cuomo was heard to declare.  “I almost got them.  If only I had eight or nine rounds. But I outlawed that.”

After they had finished with Bloomberg the mountain men set their attention on Cuomo.

“He’s got a real pretty mouth, ain’t he?” said one of the men as he unzipped his pants.

Bloomberg, still recovering from his assault screamed out, “Don’t put that in your mouth Andy.  It looks like it’s more than 32 ounces.”

Both Cuomo and Bloomberg have since gone missing. State police have mounted an all-out search for the pair.

“We’re used to a governor missing” said police superintendent Joseph A. D’Amico.   “Hell Spitzer used to go missing all the time when he was whoring.  But usually he was the one doing the raping.”

Until Cuomo and Bloomberg are found Lt. Governor Robert Duffy will be acting governor of New York.



2 Responses

  1. Dude, how did you get these details….unless you were there. Hmmm. Your freezer is full, isn’t it?

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