Kate Middleton Goes Into Labor; America Anxiously Awaits Birth of Future Ruler

One day my child will rule America, with the help of the media of course

One day my child will rule America, with the help of the media of course

Kate Middleton, wife of Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and second in line to the Presidency of the United States has gone into labor according to Buckingham Palace.

As the world United States waited all major American television networks broke in with live coverage of the historic event.  Said Jeff Zucker, President of CNN:

This is the most important story that has ever happened to America.  CNN will continue to provide our viewers with live coverage.  It’s important that Americans are there when royalty is born.  This child, be it a man or a weaker gender, will unite all Americans.  We shall all be able to say, “I was there.  I saw it happen.”  As Americans we should be proud of this royal child since it represents all of us.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chairperson of the Democratic National Committee released a statement welcoming the historic occasion.

Not only do I  personally welcome the birth of this divine child but on behalf of all Democrats everywhere I welcome this child.  For this child will represent us and everything that is great about America:  respected lineage and a devotion to the commoner. Indeed, a natural ease around such people. These are the values of the Democratic Party. This child will be one of us.  I look forward to the day when I can visit Buckingham palace and pledge my fealty.

Indeed “Royal Baby Mania” is sweeping the colonies.  House minority leader Nancy Pelosi introduced a non-binding resolution asking for all Americans to pray for Kate Middleton and her child.

Royalty is what Democrats all about.  For royalty cares for the commoner, much like the Democratic party cares for the common person. Royalty is benevolent.  The Democratic party is benevolent.  Royalty comes from the best families, speaks proper English and is good looking and well dressed.  Democrats come from the best families, speak proper English and are good looking and well dressed.  Not like those white trash Republicans. But it is not enough simply to welcome the birth of the royal child.  We must strive for royalty ourselves.  Accordingly I am introducing a bill to repeal article one, section nine of our constitution.   The so-called Title of Nobility clause was written in the 18th century and has no relevance for the United States today.

The bill introduced by Pelosi has overwhelming support in both houses of congress.

“It is time we did something about commoner violence” said  the senior senator from California, Dianne Feinstein.  “Putting titles into the hands of our best and brightest will do this.”

As all television networks interrupted programming to follow the birth of royalty there were a few holdouts, with reports of disgruntled men angry that they could not watch SportCenter on ESPN.  This drew a disgusted chortle from Pelosi.

That figures.  ESPN.  Who watches ESPN?  Commoners who drink beer and wear wife-beater t shirts.  This isn’t a demographic America should be proud of.

CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, MSNBC and the WB have announced that they will be suspending all regular programming until the birth of the royal child.


Kate Middleton has given birth to a boy.  The name of the future ruler of America will be released “in due course.”

President Obama has declared the week of July 29th a week of “prayer and fasting” in commemoration of the birth of the royal child.

He has also asked all commoners to visit their mansion house and give their lords “four fat fowl” as a free will offering.


6 Responses

  1. So, we have a new addition to the royal welfare class. At over eight pounds, it’s going to take a lot of food stamps to feed that sucker. Maybe the Brits ought to start chippin-in to help cover the cost of this new parasite.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Parasites. Isn’t that what the glory of socialism is all about?

  3. innominatus says:

    The royal child has no name.

    “innominatus” means “having no name”


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