25 Feb 14

Manhattan Infidel Presents the Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™

Silly citizen! Rules are for serfs!

Silly citizen! Rules are for serfs!

Shortly after announcing a 62-point safe streets initiative, the car containing Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) was filmed violating traffic laws including, but not limited to, going 15 miles over the speed limit, making illegal turns, driving through intersections and going past stop signs on several occasions.

With this in mind I now present the Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™.  (Silly citizen.  Rules are for serfs!)

The best way to get to an event on time is

  1. The subway
  2. Plan ahead and learn the available routes
  3. Leave your residence early
  4. Have your limo driver go at unsafe speeds
  5. Stop signs are a tool of the bourgeoisie!
  6. Seriously I’m the mayor you serf!

There is a car in front of you driving at the speed limit.  What do you do?

  1. Nothing
  2. We should all be proud of this driver and his adherence to the traffic laws
  3. Tailgate him.  He might speed up
  4. Pass him but not before running his ass off the road
  5. Get the hell out of my way!  I’m the f*cking mayor and I have to get to a fundraiser for colorblind midget lesbians of color
  6. I think they’re midgets.  They might be dwarfs.  Whatever I’m the f*cking mayor and I don’t have to observe the law

Reducing the speed limit from 30 to 25 will save lives

  1. I agree
  2. Yes by all means let’s drive slower.  Human life is to precious to be lost in a traffic accident
  3. 25?  You expect me to drive 25?  Not in this SUV!
  4. I think I just hit somebody.  Fortunately this is the Upper East Side and they didn’t vote for me
  5. Get the f*ck out of the road you f*cking pedestrian piece of shit!  I’m the mayor and I need to get to a fundraiser for oppressed native Americans suffering from foreign accent syndrome
  6. If only more women would have abortions I wouldn’t have to run so many over

There is a speed enforcement camera up ahead

  1. Good.  People drive too fast
  2. I hope they take plenty of pictures and fine those who speed
  3. Hopefully the camera didn’t notice the pedestrian my car was dragging along for five blocks
  4. No problem.  I’ll just speed past it at 80 miles an hour.  They won’t have time to take a photo
  5. Good think I’m not wearing underwear today.  I’ll just moon the f*cking camera.  My butt is speaking truth to power!
  6. The hell with the camera.  I’m late for a fundraiser for Transsexuals who suffer from lactose intolerance.  Milk is such a tool of the bourgeoisie!

My taxi driver insists on following all the traffic laws

  1. Good for him.  You can always count on a Muslim to respect American values
  2. You’re not really in a taxi?  Just have your limo driver speed up
  3. You don’t have a limo driver?  You private citizens are so whack!
  4. Have you apologized to your cab driver for America’s support for Israel?  9/11 was our fault you know.
  5. I was in a cab once.  That was before I ran for office.  Now that I’m a public official the tax payers pay for my limo driver.
  6. SUVs are heavier than cabs.  They scare away more pain in the ass pedestrians

Your about to drive through an intersection that has many pedestrian fatalities

  1. I will say a prayer for all those who have lost their lives
  2. I’ll try to avoid pedestrians but as you know I’m late for a fundraiser for Puerto Rican lesbians who protest the patriarchy by only speaking Klingon
  3. Ah f*ck I think I hit that old man
  4. Ah f*ck I think I hit that old woman
  5. Ah f*ck I think I hit that old man, and then that old woman, and then that family of African immigrants who came to America to live the American dream, and then that baby carriage (fortunately babies can’t vote) and then that dog and then that kindergarten class
  6. I’m the mayor.  As one of the elite laws do not apply to me. Now get the hell out my way you serf!

And there you have it readers.  The official Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™.  May it serve you – oh my god look out!  That idiot is driving straight at us!

(444)

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24 Feb 14

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: A Discussion of King Barack’s Reign

Freedom is the freedom to say 2 + 2 = 4. Once that is granted all else follows.

Freedom is the freedom to say 2 + 2 = 4. Once that is granted all else follows.

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have traveled to the year 2035 where I will be holding a round-table discussion with several experts who will discuss the end of the Republic of America, its causes as well as the reign of King Barack the First (may he rule forever!)

MI: Welcome.  I thank you all for being here. My first question is was the American Republic doomed?

Expert One: Yes I believe it was.  Socialism is inevitable.  It’s the natural state of fallen humanity.  Our Republic, any republic, cannot long survive.  Mankind demands a strong ruler. 

Expert Two:  May I interject?  I absolutely agree with my colleague. Look at the former Republic and the former Constitution.  It was a limited government.  Who benefits from a limited government?  White people that’s who.  King Barack (may his benevolent rule last forever) realized this.  A limited government would never be able to help the downtrodden and oppressed.  He spoke to the inner need inside everyone to be taken care of by their government.

MI: Is there anything that could have saved the Constitution and the Republic?

Expert Three: Maybe if we had a free press. That might have done it.  The former system of a limited government and separation of powers would only work if an independent press  held politicians accountable.  That didn’t happen when King Barack (may he live forever) was President.  As a result, with the press cheering for him he was able to do anything he wanted with impunity.

MI: Like when he said that the great thing about being President was that he could do anything he wanted.

Expert One: Precisely.  And what’s so bad about that?  Under the former regime the government did nothing.  Now under the rule of one man (may he live forever) the subjects of the United States government  can rest assured that they will get their fair share.

MI: Under the new dispensation one of the first things King Barack –

Expert Two: May he rule forever!

MI:  Yes.  One of the first things he did was outlaw the Republican party.

Expert Three: You have your facts wrong.  He didn’t outlaw it.  He simply made Republicans sign an oath stating that they are loyal to the King and any political thoughts they may utter will not contradict the will of our Supreme Leader (may he rule forever).

Expert One: And he made it illegal for Republicans to own a car worth more than $3,500.

MI: Why do you think he did that?

Expert Two: Shame.  It’s important to shame Republicans.

Expert Three: But I think one thing we can all agree on is that Americans are all better off now than under the former dispensation.

Expert One: Yes, exactly.  Capitalism led to income inequality.  Under socialism everyone makes the same.

MI: Except for the elite Democrats.

Expert Two: Rank has privileges.  And I for one sleep better at night knowing my rulers live a lifestyle befitting their station.

MI: So Americans are better off than they were 20 years ago?  

Experts One, Two and Three in unison: Definitely.  May Barack’s benevolent reign last forever.

MI: What about the shortages?

Expert Two: You’re talking about food, water and toilet paper?

MI:  Yes.

Expert One: Look, socialism is the perfect economic system.  It allows us to make progress.  We just have to work out the kinks.

MI: King Barack – 

Experts One, Two and Three in unison:  May he rule forever!

MI:  The king will be 75 this year.  How much longer can he remain as our ruler?

Expert One: Our king doesn’t show his age.  He is a masculine, virile ruler.

Expert Two: A most virile ruler.  A man’s man.  I expect him to rule for another twenty years at least.

MI: Then why hasn’t he been seen in public in five years? 

Expert Three: King Barack is a kind and benevolent man.  He is sparing us.  The average man would not be able to view his Godhead without going blind.

MI: That’s about all the time I have.  I thank you for meeting with me.

Experts One, Two and Three in unison: May King Barack live forever!

They weren’t kidding about the shortage of toilet paper.  If you travel into the future bring your own.

(2386)

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21 Feb 14

Green Lantern: Racist So-Called Superhero

Jesus people stop asking me about carbon credits!

Jesus people stop asking me about carbon credits!

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my pleasure to interview famed Superhero The Green Lantern.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Lantern.  May I call you green?

GL: No.

MI: Okay, well I’m sure many of my readers would like to know why the name Green Lantern and did you name yourself this in solidarity with the environment?  Are you an environmentalist?  What is your opinion on the Keystone Pipeline?

GL: Jesus.  I don’t care.  I don’t care about the Keystone Pipeline.  I don’t care about the environment.

MI: You don’t care about the environment?  What are you a Republican?

GL: What the – look I fight crime.  That’s what I do.  I don’t care what anyone’s politics are.

MI:  Then why choose a name that has green in it?  Did you do it because you wanted to be known as the environmental crime fighter?

GL: For the love of god I had to choose a color.  Green is as good as any other and my tailor said green brings out my eyes.

MI:What about the danger caused by global warming?  Have you ever fought against global warming?

GL: You’re an idiot you know that.

MI: Have you ever met Al Gore?

GL: Once but only in a professional capacity.  He was releasing his chakras on a poor masseuse. She was screaming and I had to help her.

MI: So you took her side?  Is this part of your war on women?

GL: She was the victim!

ML: What about your responsibility to the planet?  You had to know that this would have embarrassed Al Gore if FOX news found out. Or do you work for FOX news? That’s it isn’t it?  You’re a teabagger and you set Al Gore up!

GL: No!  I was stopping a crime.

ML: What about the crimes committed against mother Earth?

GL: For the last time I’m a crime fighter. I’m a member of the Justice League of America.  We help people.

MI: People?  People?  Since when are people more important than the environment?

GL: Hold on I’m getting a text.  It’s the Flash.

MI: The Flash?  Is he your husband?  What is your opinion on gay marriage?

GL: I don’t care!  Do  you hear me!  I don’t care!  I fight crime.  That’s all I do.

MI: Do you have health insurance?

GL: I used to but my plan was dropped because of Obamacare.

MI: Racist!

GL: What?  What the hell are you talking about?  That does it I’m out of here.  Leave me alone!

[Green Lantern leaves]

MI: Go.  That’s it just go.  No one needs your racist crime fighting skills anyway.

And that was the end of my interview with the Green Lantern.  Sometimes our heroes disappoint us.  This was clearly the case with the right-wing so-called crime fighter known as the Green Lantern.  Not only does he not care about the environment but his politics are disturbing.  He probably uses crime fighting as an excuse to stop and frisk peoples of color.

My readers, if you ever find yourself a victim of a crime do not call the Green Lantern or anyone else from the Justice League.  You don’t want their teabagging, racist help. Instead patiently submit to the crime and call your authorized, state enforcement afterwards.

It’s the progressive thing to do.

(965)

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20 Feb 14

Manhattan Infidel Celebrates Five Years (The Crappy Kenneth Branagh Frankenstein Edition)

Manhattan Infidel contemplates his life

Manhattan Infidel contemplates his life

What is life?  Where does consciousness come from? Can dead tissue be reanimated? Would the reanimated life have a soul? Why do college-age girls run away from me when I approach them wearing my trench coat?  These questions have haunted me for decades.

What does this have to do with the fifth anniversary of my blog? I don’t know.  But my medication is kicking in and they seemed like relevant questions.

When I started this blog five years ago I had one goal:  To provide much needed satire where satire was needed.  And to prove to college-age girls that a man wearing only a trench coat was nothing to fear.  Okay, so I had two goals.  Three if you count getting the college-age girls into my crawlspace.  But that’s a post for a different day.

I now present my five-year anniversary post (the Frankenstein Edition.)  No, not the classic with Boris Karloff, or even Young Frankenstein. No, I mean the laughably bad piece of shit that was Kenneth Branaugh’s 1994 movie.  You have been warned.

Jim from Asylum Watch writes:

Congratulations on five years.  However you are materials, nothing more.  And lose the trench coat.

You’re wrong. Did you know I knew how to play this flute? From which part of me did this knowledge reside? From this mind? From these hands? From this heart? And reading and speaking. Not so much things learned as things remembered. You made me. And you left me to die! Did you ever consider the consequences of your actions?  And you think I am evil!  I’m not evil.  And what have you got against my trench coat?  It’s stylish

Matt from Conservative Hideout 2.0 writes:

Five years!  Wow.  Congratulations.  You do speak!  But Jim was right. The trench coat is freaking us out.

Yes, I speak, and read, and think, and know the ways of men.  You gave me these emotions, but you didn’t tell me how to use them. Now two people are dead because of us. Why?  And those two dead people?  They definitely did not panic when they saw my trench coat.  And they are absolutely not in my crawlspace.

Bob Agard of Bob’s Blog writes:

There was something at work in my soul which I do not understand.

And what of my soul? Do I have one? Or was that a part you left out? As for your soul, try a trench coat.  It works for me.

Chandler’s Ghost of Blackmailers Don’t Shoot writes:

You fool!  How could you know what you have unleashed?  How was it pieced together? Bits of thieves? Bits of murderers? Evil stitched to evil stitched to evil. God help your loved ones.  I bet they don’t have trench coats.

Hey, I tried giving them trench coats for Christmas but they sent them all back.  Some people just have no style.

PeterMC3 of the MC3’s of Chippewa Falls writes:

Do you share my madness?

If by madness you  mean a sober and dignified love of approaching college-age girls while wearing a trench coat, the answer is yes. Oh god yes!

D.B. of Philadelphia writes:

Um, I’ve never read your blog.  But I’d just like to say that the Yankees will suck this year.

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.  And the concession prices at Yankee Stadium are outrageous.

The infamous and incorrigible M.B. of Brooklyn writes:

Oh, isn’t it convenient? Or doesn’t it fit in with your plans? Don’t you ever think of anything or anyone than yourself?  Think of those poor college-age girls who are frightened by your trench coat.

For as long as I can remember people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which is my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear.  Hence the trench coat.  Though over the years I have found that the trench coat keeps my groin area warm and protected from the wind.  And a warm and protected genital region is the key!  Which is an entirely different key than the one to my crawlspace.

And so ends my fifth-year anniversary post.  You were warned!  Don’t bother to scream.  I shall have my revenge!

Revenge void where prohibited by law.  Revenge valid in continental United States only.  Please allow four to six weeks for revenge to be delivered.

(907)

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19 Feb 14

Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam I am.

Spam I am.

Today I’d like to continue a new segment I started last week called “A visit to the Spam Factory.”  Why visit the Spam Factory? Two reasons.  One:  I think it would be amusing and enjoyable for my readers.  And two:  The hooker who stole my pants has my wallet so I can’t afford to buy a paper to see if there is anything to write about.

So without further adieu, I now present Manhattan Infidel’s spam:

Baskets Nike Montante writes:

Humans are complicated beings composed of physical, psychological, emotional and secular components.

Secular components?  Atheist!

Nike Chaussur writes:

I’d enjoy to help Canadian soccer. I see that as a crucial a part of what we are accomplishing. But it can’t be something which we just speak about.

Canadian soccer.  The love that dare not speak its name.

Mishka Snapbacks writes:

A layer of pale soft plump breasts slender legs raised Bottom unfolding in front of him.

Oh god…..I’m done.

Abercrombie Ropa writes:

Perth es la capital de Australia.

This is code, correct?  So the assassination is authorized by the Central Command?

Air Jordan Noir Et Gris writes:

You have got a lot more stamina.

I’m flattered you noticed.  Well you know I work out regularly.  And I take Cialis daily.

Nike Tennis writes:

The continual stirring with the oil through the centrifuge pump will also make the oil vacuuming a lot more beneficial.

Really?  I didn’t see this in the instructions for the penis pump but if you say so I’ll give it a try.

Burberry Umbrella Sale writes:

The Sector hopes for even more passion.

Look you tell everyone at the Sector that I don’t work for them anymore.  I’ve signed with a different porn studio.

Cheap Louis Vuitton Menswear writes:

I am not sure where you are getting your information.

Mainly through the internet and a little thing I like to call psychotropic drugs.

How Many Cigarettes in a Carton of Newports writes:

You have already been on the the other side of your fence.

What can I say?  My neighbor is a MILF.

Parajumper Online Store writes:

Very descriptive article.  Will there be a Part II?

Yes but unfortunately my role will now be played by Ben Affleck.

Air Jordon Pas Cheres writes:

Mix properly to ensure fruit is completely coated in brandy.

Speaking of fruits completely coated in brandy I saw Andy Dick staggering down 3rd Avenue the other night.

Menthol Cigarettes writes:

My spouse and that I have been pregnant ahead of I acquired laid off you fool.

This is a coincidence.  That’s my Outlook signature at work.

Calvin Klein Baratos writes:

It’s like you read my mind!

That’s the same thing your wife said when I paid her for sex.

And finally Aire Max BW Pas Cher writes:

She is extremely fashionable.  She can be quite the wise lady and she wears comfortable Nigerian clothing.

You’re talking about Miley Cyrus aren’t you?

Until next time readers this has been a visit to the Spam Factory.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to find my pants.

(1897)

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18 Feb 14

Hot, Sexy, Young Actress Bravely Announces She Likes Having Sex with Other Hot, Sexy Young Women

I am bravely coming out! It's never been done before so I am first, right?

I am bravely coming out! It’s never been done before so I am first, right?

Canadian Actress Ellen Page bravely came out and announced her lesbianism, defying the cruel gender expectations of a bourgeois America.  We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are on top of the breaking story and wish Ms. Page well as she continues to defy cruel, cruel America.

We have posted the transcript of her speech in hopes that other hot, sexy, young do-able actresses will announce they like having sex with other hot, sexy young women.  May these hot, sexy, young do-able actresses continue to defy the conventions of the white male of northern European origin.  Because as we all know that the last thing the white male of northern European origin likes to think about is hot, sexy, young do-able women exploring the bodies of other hot, sexy, young, do-able women.

It’s such an honor to be here at the Time to Thrive conference and the Human Rights Campaign Foundation and I’d like to thank them for all the kind work they do for all lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered peopled.  Though really I only mean lesbians.  Because gay sex is still penis sex.  Bisexual people are interlopers trying to crash our party and transgendered?  I don’t even want to talk about those freaks.  I mean the breasts are nice but they still have penises.  Not that I’m anti-penis.  My father had a penis.  I think that’s why he like war.

Here I am an actress representing an industry that places crushing standards on all of us.  Standards of beauty.  Standards of a good life.  I’ve been trying to push back against these bourgeois American notions and be authentic and follow my heart.

Sometimes I wish I were ugly and poor.  That would be authentic.  But then I remember that if I were ugly and poor I probably wouldn’t have the chance to explore the bodies of other young, hot, sexy women.  Unless I paid them.

All of us in this room can do so much more together than we can alone.  And not just when we are exploring taut, firm young female flesh.  

I know that there are some people in this room who go to school and get treated like shit.  And that can crush you a little bit every day.  It is toxic, painful and deeply unfair.  Life is hard.  Like math.

When this happens you should reach out.  Reach out to another hot young women and explore their body.  That’s what I do and it always makes me feel better.  So try it. It’ll work for most of you.  Though looking out at the audience I see that some of you are ugly and have unattractive bodies.  So having sex is probably not within the realm of possibility for you.  I don’t know.  Try a video game or something.

I’m inspired to be in this room because every single one of you is here for the same reason:  You don’t have a job.  If only Washington would raise taxes on the rich. Except for those who work in Hollywood I mean.  Because if my taxes are raised I’d have to move back to Canada. I’d still be able to have sex with other hot young women.  But it would be polite Canadian sex, which doesn’t involve role play or trampolines.

And I’m here tonight because I am gay.  I know that for an actress living in Hollywood to announce they are gay has never happened before.  There may be repercussions.  My movie roles might dry up and I’d have to get a job on TV. Perhaps a talk show.

I’m tired of lying.  I’ve suffered for years because I was afraid to be an openly gay person in Hollywood.  My suffering was intense.  You in the front row.  Yeah, you. The ugly girl.  You know what I mean by suffering.  I mean look at your face.  Was it a skydiving accident?  But I am here to show solidarity with all of you.  Especially if you are young and hot.

But what I’ve learned is that love, the beauty of it, the joy of it and the pain of it, is the most incredible gift to give and receive as a human being.  Especially if it involves strap-ons. 

Let me conclude by saying thank you.  Thank you for giving me hope.

Hey, you. In the front row.  The ugly girl.  Stop looking at me that way.  No you can’t have sex with me.  Stop objectifying me!

Thank you.

And thank you Miss Page for being so brave and knowledgeable about the pain and suffering of rich young people.

(1483)

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14 Feb 14

My Exclusive Interview With Derek Jeter

Do you know any supermodels?

Do you know any supermodels?

On Wednesday came the sad but not unexpected news that Yankee legend Derek Jeter would retire after the 2014 season.  It is my distinct honor to have Mr. Jeter sit down with yours truly to discuss his Yankee career and upcoming retirement.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Jeter.  Let me just say that it has been my privilege to watch you play the last 19 years.

DJ:Why thank you.  That’s nice of you.

MI: Let’s talk about your retirement.  What made you decide that the time was right?

DJ: Well as you know I broke my ankle in the 2012 playoffs.  Last year I was only able to play in 17 games because of the injury.  I always said that when the game stops being fun it is time to go.  I’ve had a good run and now it is time for me to hang up my cleats.

MI: Will you miss the game?

DJ: You know I thought I might but obviously having spent so much time on the DL last year it gave me the opportunity to reflect on what’s important in life.

MI: And that is?

DJ: Sex.  Sex with supermodels.  Sex with groupies.  Sex with the woman who delivers my Chinese food.  Sex with supermodels, groupies and the woman who delivers my Chinese food all at the same time.  You know there’s only one thing better than sex with a woman.  

MI: Um.  That is?

DJ: Sex with a couple women at the same time.

MI:Well you seem to have your priorities.

DJ: I’ve been blessed with athletic ability.  That athletic ability has enabled me to travel the country having sex with supermodels.  Bony sex with skinny supermodels.

MI:  I –

DJ: You  know the first time I had bony sex with a supermodel she hit me in the eye with her elbow.  I missed a couple games. But I got used to it.  You could call it a fetish of mine.

MI: Sex with supermodels?

DJ: Bony sex with skinny supermodels.  I must have had a couple thousand women over the past 20 years.  

MI:  Okay.  Now about your career with the Yankees.

DJ: I don’t want to talk about baseball.  That’s behind me now.  I’d rather talk about sex.  With women.  A bunch of them.  At the same time.

MI: Um.

DJ: Don’t get me wrong.  I’m thankful to the Yankees for giving me the ability to travel the country having sex with supermodels.  But baseball was just a means to an end. 

MI: The end being – 

DJ: Sex with supermodels.  Sometimes with one though usually with two or three at the same time.

MI: I – 

DJ: Have you ever had sex with a supermodel?

MI:No.  I don’t travel in the same circles.

DJ: Shame.  You really should try it.  Just watch out for the bony elbow in the eye.

MI: Back to baseball  When Mariano Rivera retired every club gave him a going away present.  Have you thought about what the clubs might give you?

DJ: Hopefully some supermodels.  

MI: Do you have any advice for young children who are considering a career in baseball?

DJ: Practice hard.  Respect the game.  Do this and you too can have sex with thousands of women.

MI: Well that’s about all the questions I have.

DJ: Hey, Manhattan Infidel do you have any plans for tonight?

MI:  I was going to feed my cat and clean the grout in my bathroom.

DJ: That doesn’t sound like fun.  

MI: No.  No it isn’t.

DJ: Me?  I’m going for a personal best:  sex with ten supermodels in one night.

MI: Yeah I can’t relate. I have a blog.  The last woman I touched sued me.

DJ: Too bad.  Anyway. Wish me luck.  I just hope I don’t break my ankle again. Though if I do maybe I can have sex with some nurses.

MI: Good bye.

Good bye Mr. Jeter.  The Yankees won’t be the same without you.  Now if you’ll excuse me it’s time to clean the grout.

 

(2331)

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13 Feb 14

The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part VI)

 

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

After these things Barack went over the Pacific Ocean to Catalina Island.

And a great multitude followed him, because they saw the miracles which he did on the Hollywood Syphilitics.  

Barack therefore went up into a mountain, and there he sat with his disciples in the MSM.

When Barack therefore had lifted up his eyes, and seen that a very great multitude cometh to him he said: Whence shall we buy tofu that these may eat?

And this he said to try them; for he himself knew that his compassionate social policies would provide food.

One of his disciples saith to him:  There is a boy here that hath five barley loaves and two fishes.  But do we really want to give these people high cholesterol?

Then Barack said:  Make the men sit down.  The women don’t matter.  Now there was much grass in the place for Barack loveth his Choom Gang.

And Barack took the loaves; and after verifying that they were gluten-free he gave thanks to the Federal government and redistributed to them that were set down.

But not the fish for fish are protected wildlife and to eat them would be racist.

And when they were filled he said to his disciples in the MSM: Gather up the fragments that remain for all property belongs to the government.

Now those men, when they had seen what a miracle Barack had done, said:  This is of truth the Socialist Democrat that is to come into the world.

Barack therefore, when he knew that they would come to take him by force, and make him a king, saith: I have a pen and a phone.

And when evening had come his disciples went down to the sea and they boarded a ferry.

Now it was dark and Barack was not with them.

And the sea arose by reason of climate change.

They saw Barack walking upon the sea and they were afraid. 

But he saith to them: It is I; be not afraid, unless you make more than $200,000 a year.

The next day the multitude saw that Barack was not on Catalina Island, nor his disciples, they took ship to Los Angeles, seeking for Barack.

Barack saw them and said: Amen, amen I say to you, you seek me not because  you have seen miracles, but because you did eat of the gluten-free loaves and are now regular.

Labor not for the meat that perisheth, but for that which endureth unto socialism everlasting, which the son of redistribution will give you.

 Then Barack saith unto them: Amen, amen I say unto you the bread of socialism is that which cometh from the Democratic Pary, and giveth redistribution to the world.

They therefore said unto him: Lord, give us always our free stuff.

And Barack said to them:  I am the bread of redistribution: he that voteth for me shall not hunger; and he that believeth in me shall never thirst, for I will take from the rich to give to you.

But I say unto you I came down from Washington D.C. not to do my own will, but the will of the spirit of redistribution.

And this is the will of the spirit of redistribution that sent me: that everyone who seeth me, and believeth in me, shall become dependent on the Federal government and vote Democratic.

The RINOs therefore murmured at him because he had said, I am the spirit of redistribution that cometh down from Washington.

And they said:  But we also want people to become dependent on the Federal government.

Barack therefore answered and said to them: Murmur not among yourselves.

No man (women do not matter) can come to me except through the Democratic party.

The gluten-free bread that I will give is my flesh for the life of socialism.

This is the gluten-free bread that cometh down from Washington, D.C.; that if any man (for women are irrelevant) eat of it, he may not die, thanks to the Affordable Care Act.

I am the living gluten-free bread that which came down from Washington D.C.

If any man eat of this bread, he shall have re-distributive life forever. 

The RINOs strove among themselves, saying But what about us?  We all want a piece of the Federal pie.

Then Barack said to them:  Amen, amen I say unto you:   except you eat the gluten-free flesh of the Democratic party (in entitlements) you shall not have life and power in D.C.

And he said: Therefore did I say to you, that no man ( women should stay subordinate) can come to me, unless it be given him by the spirit of redistribution.

After this many of the RINOs walked with him no more.

Then Barack saith to his disciples:  Will you also go away?

And Chris Matthews answered him:  Lord, to whom shall we go?  For no one else makes my leg tingle.

(To be continued)

(2300)

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Filed in The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews
  Posted by
12 Feb 14

Manhattan Infidel Examines the 2016 Presidential Field

 

Who will run for President in 2016?

Who will run for President in 2016?

Even though 2016 is still two years away many are already speculating on the possible presidential contenders.  As a service to my readers I now present my take on those who may or may not run in 2016. First up:  The Democrats.

  • Hillary Clinton 

    This woman may be our next President.

    This woman may be our next President.

The former first lady, senator from New York and Secretary of State remains the clear front-runner among Democrats. She has over 40 years of Democratic policy making experience and was key in impeaching Richard Nixon.  This will clearly be in her favor.  On the negative side she will be 68 in 2014 and hasn’t been hot since 1972.   “Democrats are all for gender equality, except when the women are old and ugly” said a pollster.  Also factoring against Clinton is her disturbing whiteness. “She’s white. Her husband is white.  Her child is white.  That’s three strikes against her.

  • Joe Biden 

    Hee haw! And merry Christmas!

    Hee haw! And merry Christmas!

The current Vice President has in his favor being associated with a popular, transformative president such as Barack Obama.  Also in his favor is the fact that he is differentially abled. “Suffering from a mental handicap as the Vice President does will be a distinct advantage.  No one will dare criticize him for fear of being called “anti-differentially abled.”  Factors working against Joe Biden:  He’s Joe Biden.

  • Bill de Blasio 

    Income inequality will destroy us all. And negroes too!

    Income inequality will destroy us all. And negroes too!

The newly elected mayor of New York City has many professional Democratic pollsters talking him up.  “His political positions are orthodox.  He hates everything the Democrats hate:  Capitalism.  Our Constitution. The United States.  Also he is married to a black woman.  I think. His spouse is black but the jury’s still out on what it is.”  On the downside:  He’s too tall and might offend the important midget demographic.

  • Pope Francis 

    A Democratic artist's representation of Pope Francis.

    A Democratic artist’s representation of Pope Francis.

A dark horse, Pope Francis has many supporters in the Democratic party.  “Look he loves socialism and he’s Hispanic.  That’s two of the Democrats’  key constituencies rolled into one.”  Though he has many supporters, opponents of his nomination cite the fact that he wasn’t born in the United States, which disqualifies him from the office.  “Don ‘t worry about that” said a party strategist.  “We’ll just rewrite the laws once he’s elected.”

  • Hugo Chavez 

    Hugo Chavez, back row on the right, is a possible candidate

    Hugo Chavez, shown here being tormented in Hell, is a possible candidate

The deceased Venezuelan dictator is something of an enigma to Democrats.  “He’s a socialist.  That’s a plus.  He’s Hispanic.  Another plus.  He’s dead.  Many dead people vote Democratic.”  As to whether Chavez would want the job, key Democrats have traveled to Hell to sound him out.   “He’s interested” said majority leader Harry Reid. “He just wants assurances that he won’t be bound by the Constitution.  I told him that has never stopped a Democrat before.”

  • Casey Anthony 

    She's got boobies. And that's important to Democrats.

    She’s got boobies. And that’s important to Democrats.

After being found not guilty for murdering her two-year old daughter Anthony has for the most part laid low but is still an attractive candidate.  “Abortion is a sacrament to Democrats.  It’s our holy grail. Anthony’s killing of her daughter could be spun as a retroactive abortion.”  Also in her favor:  Boobs.

As for the Republicans they have no clear front-runner at the moment, though RNC chairman Reince Priebus (pictured here)

The Republicans will nominate a candidate that best represents the values of the Democrats.

The Republicans will nominate a candidate that best represents the values of the Democrats.

has stated that the party “will probably nominate someone who represents the values of the Democratics.  What? Oh. I mean the Republican party.”

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Filed in Politics
  Posted by
11 Feb 14

Manhattan Infidel’s Guide for Honeymooning Tourists

This photo is racist!

This photo is racist!

So you’re on your honeymoon and are coming to the Big Apple? No doubt in this special time of your life one of the first things you’ll want to do is take a romantic horse and carriage ride in Central Park.

Unfortunately with our new mayor Bill de Blasio (pictured here)

I don't want to hurt you. I just want to bash your f*cking brains in!

I don’t want to hurt you. I just want to bash your f*cking brains in!

set to outlaw carriages (it’s for the children the horses)  you will have to resort to other activities.  And with the welfare of my readers always in mind I now present the Official Manhattan Infidel Guide for Honeymooning Tourists™.

  • Take a romantic electric car ride

What says romance better than an electric car?  I know you had your heart set on a romantic horse and carriage ride through central park but did you know that that activity is racist and harms the environment.    Not so with an electric car.  Keep the fires of your love burning with the knowledge that clean, affordable electric energy is combating climate change, global warming some shit. Just makes sure you are properly grounded so you don’t fry any sensitive body parts getting in and out of the car.

  • Graffiti!  Graffiti!  Graffiti!

That’s right.  Get in touch with your inner Picaso.  Despite an attempt to criminalize it by our previous two Republican mayors, graffiti is once again on the rise.  Just go to an approved tourist center in midtown and ask for some “motherf*cking cans of spray paint, assh*le!”  Don’t let the use of foul language stop you from having a good time.  New Yorkers appreciate rude tourists.  It makes us feel like you are trying to fit in.  Use the spray paint to write on subway cars, office buildings, churches and bridges.  Inundate the city with your special art.  Just remember to take pictures so when you go home to Europe you can impress your friends with how you fought the good class war and stood up to the man.

  • Get mugged!

Come on.  Admit it.  When you are sitting in the cold, stale comfort of your upper middle class European existence you secretly yearn for authentic, edgy chaos.  With a Democratic mayor securely in the helm expect crime levels to rise dramatically. Just dress up in expensive clothes, visit the trendy, crimewave-ridden neighborhoods and tell a stranger that you are lost and need directions.  Have cash visible. Experience the rush of being mugged. You may be short some cash but think of the stories you can tell when you get back home!

  • Get raped!

I know what you are saying.  This doesn’t sound like much fun.  I don’t want my new wife to be violated by another man.  Silly you.  Didn’t you know that sexual jealousy is bourgeois!  You’re from Europe remember. You are better than that.  By letting your wife be violated you are showing those stupid, cowboy Americans how superior you are to them.  And if you film the violation I’m sure a compassionate court in Europe will allow a divorce because it goes without saying that once she’s been raped you probably won’t want to touch her again.

  • Get murdered!

We’ve all seen Ghost, right?  It’s one of the most romantic movies made. So don’t be afraid to be shot.  As your lie in a puddle of blood and your life drains from you console yourself that you will be able to watch over your loved one and maybe even have Whoopie Goldberg help you find the killers.  Then you can enter Whoopie’s body and kiss your wife for some hot interracial lesbian love.  Sound romantic? You betcha!

And there you have it.  I hope these suggestions will help honeymooning tourists kindle the romance when they visit New York City.

(4235)

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Filed in General insanity
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