On Wednesday came the sad but not unexpected news that Yankee legend Derek Jeter would retire after the 2014 season. It is my distinct honor to have Mr. Jeter sit down with yours truly to discuss his Yankee career and upcoming retirement.
MI: Good afternoon Mr. Jeter. Let me just say that it has been my privilege to watch you play the last 19 years.
DJ:Why thank you. That’s nice of you.
MI: Let’s talk about your retirement. What made you decide that the time was right?
DJ: Well as you know I broke my ankle in the 2012 playoffs. Last year I was only able to play in 17 games because of the injury. I always said that when the game stops being fun it is time to go. I’ve had a good run and now it is time for me to hang up my cleats.
MI: Will you miss the game?
DJ: You know I thought I might but obviously having spent so much time on the DL last year it gave me the opportunity to reflect on what’s important in life.
MI: And that is?
DJ: Sex. Sex with supermodels. Sex with groupies. Sex with the woman who delivers my Chinese food. Sex with supermodels, groupies and the woman who delivers my Chinese food all at the same time. You know there’s only one thing better than sex with a woman.
MI: Um. That is?
DJ: Sex with a couple women at the same time.
MI:Well you seem to have your priorities.
DJ: I’ve been blessed with athletic ability. That athletic ability has enabled me to travel the country having sex with supermodels. Bony sex with skinny supermodels.
MI: I –
DJ: You know the first time I had bony sex with a supermodel she hit me in the eye with her elbow. I missed a couple games. But I got used to it. You could call it a fetish of mine.
MI: Sex with supermodels?
DJ: Bony sex with skinny supermodels. I must have had a couple thousand women over the past 20 years.
MI: Okay. Now about your career with the Yankees.
DJ: I don’t want to talk about baseball. That’s behind me now. I’d rather talk about sex. With women. A bunch of them. At the same time.
DJ: Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful to the Yankees for giving me the ability to travel the country having sex with supermodels. But baseball was just a means to an end.
MI: The end being –
DJ: Sex with supermodels. Sometimes with one though usually with two or three at the same time.
MI: I –
DJ: Have you ever had sex with a supermodel?
MI:No. I don’t travel in the same circles.
DJ: Shame. You really should try it. Just watch out for the bony elbow in the eye.
MI: Back to baseball When Mariano Rivera retired every club gave him a going away present. Have you thought about what the clubs might give you?
DJ: Hopefully some supermodels.
MI: Do you have any advice for young children who are considering a career in baseball?
DJ: Practice hard. Respect the game. Do this and you too can have sex with thousands of women.
MI: Well that’s about all the questions I have.
DJ: Hey, Manhattan Infidel do you have any plans for tonight?
MI: I was going to feed my cat and clean the grout in my bathroom.
DJ: That doesn’t sound like fun.
MI: No. No it isn’t.
DJ: Me? I’m going for a personal best: sex with ten supermodels in one night.
MI: Yeah I can’t relate. I have a blog. The last woman I touched sued me.
DJ: Too bad. Anyway. Wish me luck. I just hope I don’t break my ankle again. Though if I do maybe I can have sex with some nurses.
MI: Good bye.
Good bye Mr. Jeter. The Yankees won’t be the same without you. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s time to clean the grout.