This photo is racist!

So you’re on your honeymoon and are coming to the Big Apple? No doubt in this special time of your life one of the first things you’ll want to do is take a romantic horse and carriage ride in Central Park.

Unfortunately with our new mayor Bill de Blasio (pictured here)

I don’t want to hurt you. I just want to bash your f*cking brains in!

set to outlaw carriages (it’s for the children the horses)  you will have to resort to other activities.  And with the welfare of my readers always in mind I now present the Official Manhattan Infidel Guide for Honeymooning Tourists™.

• Take a romantic electric car ride

What says romance better than an electric car?  I know you had your heart set on a romantic horse and carriage ride through central park but did you know that that activity is racist and harms the environment.    Not so with an electric car.  Keep the fires of your love burning with the knowledge that clean, affordable electric energy is combating climate change, global warming some shit. Just makes sure you are properly grounded so you don’t fry any sensitive body parts getting in and out of the car.

• Graffiti!  Graffiti!  Graffiti!

That’s right.  Get in touch with your inner Picaso.  Despite an attempt to criminalize it by our previous two Republican mayors, graffiti is once again on the rise.  Just go to an approved tourist center in midtown and ask for some “motherf*cking cans of spray paint, assh*le!”  Don’t let the use of foul language stop you from having a good time.  New Yorkers appreciate rude tourists.  It makes us feel like you are trying to fit in.  Use the spray paint to write on subway cars, office buildings, churches and bridges.  Inundate the city with your special art.  Just remember to take pictures so when you go home to Europe you can impress your friends with how you fought the good class war and stood up to the man.

• Get mugged!

Come on.  Admit it.  When you are sitting in the cold, stale comfort of your upper middle class European existence you secretly yearn for authentic, edgy chaos.  With a Democratic mayor securely in the helm expect crime levels to rise dramatically. Just dress up in expensive clothes, visit the trendy, crimewave-ridden neighborhoods and tell a stranger that you are lost and need directions.  Have cash visible. Experience the rush of being mugged. You may be short some cash but think of the stories you can tell when you get back home!

• Get raped!

I know what you are saying.  This doesn’t sound like much fun.  I don’t want my new wife to be violated by another man.  Silly you.  Didn’t you know that sexual jealousy is bourgeois!  You’re from Europe remember. You are better than that.  By letting your wife be violated you are showing those stupid, cowboy Americans how superior you are to them.  And if you film the violation I’m sure a compassionate court in Europe will allow a divorce because it goes without saying that once she’s been raped you probably won’t want to touch her again.

• Get murdered!

We’ve all seen Ghost, right?  It’s one of the most romantic movies made. So don’t be afraid to be shot.  As your lie in a puddle of blood and your life drains from you console yourself that you will be able to watch over your loved one and maybe even have Whoopie Goldberg help you find the killers.  Then you can enter Whoopie’s body and kiss your wife for some hot interracial lesbian love.  Sound romantic? You betcha!

And there you have it.  I hope these suggestions will help honeymooning tourists kindle the romance when they visit New York City.

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