Silly citizen! Rules are for serfs!

Shortly after announcing a 62-point safe streets initiative, the car containing Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) was filmed violating traffic laws including, but not limited to, going 15 miles over the speed limit, making illegal turns, driving through intersections and going past stop signs on several occasions.

With this in mind I now present the Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™.  (Silly citizen.  Rules are for serfs!)

The best way to get to an event on time is

1. The subway
2. Plan ahead and learn the available routes
3. Leave your residence early
4. Have your limo driver go at unsafe speeds
5. Stop signs are a tool of the bourgeoisie!
6. Seriously I’m the mayor you serf!

There is a car in front of you driving at the speed limit.  What do you do?

1. Nothing
2. We should all be proud of this driver and his adherence to the traffic laws
3. Tailgate him.  He might speed up
4. Pass him but not before running his ass off the road
5. Get the hell out of my way!  I’m the f*cking mayor and I have to get to a fundraiser for colorblind midget lesbians of color
6. I think they’re midgets.  They might be dwarfs.  Whatever I’m the f*cking mayor and I don’t have to observe the law

Reducing the speed limit from 30 to 25 will save lives

1. I agree
2. Yes by all means let’s drive slower.  Human life is to precious to be lost in a traffic accident
3. 25?  You expect me to drive 25?  Not in this SUV!
4. I think I just hit somebody.  Fortunately this is the Upper East Side and they didn’t vote for me
5. Get the f*ck out of the road you f*cking pedestrian piece of shit!  I’m the mayor and I need to get to a fundraiser for oppressed native Americans suffering from foreign accent syndrome
6. If only more women would have abortions I wouldn’t have to run so many over

There is a speed enforcement camera up ahead

1. Good.  People drive too fast
2. I hope they take plenty of pictures and fine those who speed
3. Hopefully the camera didn’t notice the pedestrian my car was dragging along for five blocks
4. No problem.  I’ll just speed past it at 80 miles an hour.  They won’t have time to take a photo
5. Good think I’m not wearing underwear today.  I’ll just moon the f*cking camera.  My butt is speaking truth to power!
6. The hell with the camera.  I’m late for a fundraiser for Transsexuals who suffer from lactose intolerance.  Milk is such a tool of the bourgeoisie!

My taxi driver insists on following all the traffic laws

1. Good for him.  You can always count on a Muslim to respect American values
2. You’re not really in a taxi?  Just have your limo driver speed up
3. You don’t have a limo driver?  You private citizens are so whack!
4. Have you apologized to your cab driver for America’s support for Israel?  9/11 was our fault you know.
5. I was in a cab once.  That was before I ran for office.  Now that I’m a public official the tax payers pay for my limo driver.
6. SUVs are heavier than cabs.  They scare away more pain in the ass pedestrians

Your about to drive through an intersection that has many pedestrian fatalities

1. I will say a prayer for all those who have lost their lives
2. I’ll try to avoid pedestrians but as you know I’m late for a fundraiser for Puerto Rican lesbians who protest the patriarchy by only speaking Klingon
3. Ah f*ck I think I hit that old man
4. Ah f*ck I think I hit that old woman
5. Ah f*ck I think I hit that old man, and then that old woman, and then that family of African immigrants who came to America to live the American dream, and then that baby carriage (fortunately babies can’t vote) and then that dog and then that kindergarten class
6. I’m the mayor.  As one of the elite laws do not apply to me. Now get the hell out my way you serf!

And there you have it readers.  The official Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™.  May it serve you – oh my god look out!  That idiot is driving straight at us!

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