Who will run for President in 2016?

Even though 2016 is still two years away many are already speculating on the possible presidential contenders.  As a service to my readers I now present my take on those who may or may not run in 2016. First up:  The Democrats.

• Hillary Clinton 
  

  This woman may be our next President.

The former first lady, senator from New York and Secretary of State remains the clear front-runner among Democrats. She has over 40 years of Democratic policy making experience and was key in impeaching Richard Nixon.  This will clearly be in her favor.  On the negative side she will be 68 in 2014 and hasn’t been hot since 1972.   “Democrats are all for gender equality, except when the women are old and ugly” said a pollster.  Also factoring against Clinton is her disturbing whiteness. “She’s white. Her husband is white.  Her child is white.  That’s three strikes against her.

• Joe Biden 
  

  Hee haw! And merry Christmas!

The current Vice President has in his favor being associated with a popular, transformative president such as Barack Obama.  Also in his favor is the fact that he is differentially abled. “Suffering from a mental handicap as the Vice President does will be a distinct advantage.  No one will dare criticize him for fear of being called “anti-differentially abled.”  Factors working against Joe Biden:  He’s Joe Biden.

• Bill de Blasio 
  

  Income inequality will destroy us all. And negroes too!

The newly elected mayor of New York City has many professional Democratic pollsters talking him up.  “His political positions are orthodox.  He hates everything the Democrats hate:  Capitalism.  Our Constitution. The United States.  Also he is married to a black woman.  I think. His spouse is black but the jury’s still out on what it is.”  On the downside:  He’s too tall and might offend the important midget demographic.

• Pope Francis 
  

  A Democratic artist’s representation of Pope Francis.

A dark horse, Pope Francis has many supporters in the Democratic party.  “Look he loves socialism and he’s Hispanic.  That’s two of the Democrats’  key constituencies rolled into one.”  Though he has many supporters, opponents of his nomination cite the fact that he wasn’t born in the United States, which disqualifies him from the office.  “Don ‘t worry about that” said a party strategist.  “We’ll just rewrite the laws once he’s elected.”

• Hugo Chavez 
  

  Hugo Chavez, shown here being tormented in Hell, is a possible candidate

The deceased Venezuelan dictator is something of an enigma to Democrats.  “He’s a socialist.  That’s a plus.  He’s Hispanic.  Another plus.  He’s dead.  Many dead people vote Democratic.”  As to whether Chavez would want the job, key Democrats have traveled to Hell to sound him out.   “He’s interested” said majority leader Harry Reid. “He just wants assurances that he won’t be bound by the Constitution.  I told him that has never stopped a Democrat before.”

• Casey Anthony 
  

  She’s got boobies. And that’s important to Democrats.

After being found not guilty for murdering her two-year old daughter Anthony has for the most part laid low but is still an attractive candidate.  “Abortion is a sacrament to Democrats.  It’s our holy grail. Anthony’s killing of her daughter could be spun as a retroactive abortion.”  Also in her favor:  Boobs.

As for the Republicans they have no clear front-runner at the moment, though RNC chairman Reince Priebus (pictured here)

The Republicans will nominate a candidate that best represents the values of the Democrats.

has stated that the party “will probably nominate someone who represents the values of the Democratics.  What? Oh. I mean the Republican party.”

(754)