I am bravely coming out! It’s never been done before so I am first, right?

Canadian Actress Ellen Page bravely came out and announced her lesbianism, defying the cruel gender expectations of a bourgeois America.  We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are on top of the breaking story and wish Ms. Page well as she continues to defy cruel, cruel America.

We have posted the transcript of her speech in hopes that other hot, sexy, young do-able actresses will announce they like having sex with other hot, sexy young women.  May these hot, sexy, young do-able actresses continue to defy the conventions of the white male of northern European origin.  Because as we all know that the last thing the white male of northern European origin likes to think about is hot, sexy, young do-able women exploring the bodies of other hot, sexy, young, do-able women.

It’s such an honor to be here at the Time to Thrive conference and the Human Rights Campaign Foundation and I’d like to thank them for all the kind work they do for all lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered peopled.  Though really I only mean lesbians.  Because gay sex is still penis sex.  Bisexual people are interlopers trying to crash our party and transgendered?  I don’t even want to talk about those freaks.  I mean the breasts are nice but they still have penises.  Not that I’m anti-penis.  My father had a penis.  I think that’s why he like war.

Here I am an actress representing an industry that places crushing standards on all of us.  Standards of beauty.  Standards of a good life.  I’ve been trying to push back against these bourgeois American notions and be authentic and follow my heart.

Sometimes I wish I were ugly and poor.  That would be authentic.  But then I remember that if I were ugly and poor I probably wouldn’t have the chance to explore the bodies of other young, hot, sexy women.  Unless I paid them.

All of us in this room can do so much more together than we can alone.  And not just when we are exploring taut, firm young female flesh.  

I know that there are some people in this room who go to school and get treated like shit.  And that can crush you a little bit every day.  It is toxic, painful and deeply unfair.  Life is hard.  Like math.

When this happens you should reach out.  Reach out to another hot young women and explore their body.  That’s what I do and it always makes me feel better.  So try it. It’ll work for most of you.  Though looking out at the audience I see that some of you are ugly and have unattractive bodies.  So having sex is probably not within the realm of possibility for you.  I don’t know.  Try a video game or something.

I’m inspired to be in this room because every single one of you is here for the same reason:  You don’t have a job.  If only Washington would raise taxes on the rich. Except for those who work in Hollywood I mean.  Because if my taxes are raised I’d have to move back to Canada. I’d still be able to have sex with other hot young women.  But it would be polite Canadian sex, which doesn’t involve role play or trampolines.

And I’m here tonight because I am gay.  I know that for an actress living in Hollywood to announce they are gay has never happened before.  There may be repercussions.  My movie roles might dry up and I’d have to get a job on TV. Perhaps a talk show.

I’m tired of lying.  I’ve suffered for years because I was afraid to be an openly gay person in Hollywood.  My suffering was intense.  You in the front row.  Yeah, you. The ugly girl.  You know what I mean by suffering.  I mean look at your face.  Was it a skydiving accident?  But I am here to show solidarity with all of you.  Especially if you are young and hot.

But what I’ve learned is that love, the beauty of it, the joy of it and the pain of it, is the most incredible gift to give and receive as a human being.  Especially if it involves strap-ons. 

Let me conclude by saying thank you.  Thank you for giving me hope.

Hey, you. In the front row.  The ugly girl.  Stop looking at me that way.  No you can’t have sex with me.  Stop objectifying me!

Thank you.

And thank you Miss Page for being so brave and knowledgeable about the pain and suffering of rich young people.

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