The Midnight Ride of the New York Resistance

Comply serf!

Comply serf!

In the wake of the Newtown school shooting, the King Governor of New York, King George III Andrew Cuomo and his ilk in the state assembly rushed through the so-called Safe Act.

As citizens subjects of New York State began to realize that freedom and liberty were now lost resistance to the so-called Safe Act intensified as the deadline approached to register their guns. King Andrew Governor Cuomo vowed to retaliate and enforce the law.

King Andrew Governor Cuomo marched out with the State troopers to enforce the law in resisting counties.  Meanwhile an opposing force of freedom-loving citizens sounded the alarm over the impending arrival of regular New York State troopers.

And so began the midnight ride of the New York State Resistance.

Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of the New York State Resistance, 

Don't tread on me!

Don’t tread on me!


On the eighteenth of April, in 2014;
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year.

They said to their friends, “If the State Troopers march
By thruway from the town to-night,
Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch
Of the North Church tower as a signal light,–
And I on  will be, ready to ride and spread the alarm
Through Schoharie, Otsego, Herkimer, Oneida, Hamilton, Fulton, Montgomery, through every  village and farm, For the country folk to be up and to arm.”

Meanwhile, their friends through alley and street
Wander and watch, with eager ears,
Till in the silence around them they hear
The muster of men at the barrack door,
The sound of arms, and the tramp of feet,
And the measured tread of the New York State Troopers,
Marching out of Albany.

A hurry of hoofs in a village street,
A shape in the moonlight, a bulk in the dark,
And beneath, from the pebbles, in passing, a spark
Struck out by a steed flying fearless and fleet;
That was all! And yet, through the gloom and the light,
The fate of New York State was riding that night;
And the spark struck out by that steed, in his flight,
Kindled the land into flame with its heat.
They have left the village and mounted the steep,
Now soft on the sand, now loud on the ledge,
Is heard the tramp of their steed as they ride.

It was twelve by the village clock
When they crossed into Schoharie County.
They heard the crowing of the cock,
And the barking of the farmer’s dog,
And felt the damp of the river fog,
That rises after the sun goes down.

 It was one by the village clock,
When they drove into Otsego.
They saw the gilded weathercock
Swim in the moonlight as they passed,
And the meeting-house windows, black and bare,
Gaze at them with a spectral glare,
As if they already stood aghast
At the bloody work they would look upon.

It was two by the village clock,
When they came to Herkimer County.
They heard the bleating of the flock,
And the twitter of birds among the trees,
And felt the breath of the morning breeze
Blowing over the meadow brown.
And one was safe and asleep in his bed
Who at the bridge would be first to fall,
Who that day would be lying dead,
Pierced by a New York State Trooper assault weapon. 

The enemy stands vigilant

The enemy stands vigilant

 

You know the rest. In the books you have read
How the New York State Troopers fired and fled,—
How the farmers gave them shot for shot,
From behind each fence and farmyard wall,
Chasing the grey-coats

Fire upon the enemy!

Fire upon the enemy!

 down the lane,
Then crossing the fields to emerge again
Under the trees at the turn of the road,
And only pausing to fire and load.

So through the night rode the New York State Resistance;
And so through the night went their cry of alarm
To every village and farm,—
A cry of defiance, and not of fear,
A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door,
And a word that shall echo for evermore!
For, borne on the night-wind of the Past,
Through all our history, to the last,
In the hour of darkness and peril and need,
The people will waken and listen to hear
The hurrying hoof-beats of that steed,
And the midnight message of the New York State Resistance.

There is no use pretending anymore.  Civil war is imminent. Our State and Federal governments exist to increase their power at the hands of the citizens.

Our government has lost the right to our allegiance.  We can take it and live as serfs or we can resist.

 

(719)

2 Comments

My Exclusive Interview with Psychrolutes Marcidus

I want to be loved.  Is that so wrong?

I want to be loved. Is that so wrong?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a rare guest to our shores: the Psychrolutes marcidus (better known as the Blobfish).

MI: Good afternoon.

BF: Good afternoon, mate.

MI: So what should I call you?  Psychrolutes?  Blob?  

BF: Blob will do.

MI: Let’s start out with what everyone wants to know.  You were voted the worlds ugliest animal.  How does that make you feel.

BF: Well as you can imagine I wasn’t pleased with it. I may be gelatinous but I have feelings. Yes I’m no Brad Pitt but the world’s ugliest animal?  Uglier than Carrot Top?

MI: A valid point.

BF: I mean, I have a masters degree in 19th century English literature.  I’m fluent in six languages.  What more do women want?

MI: Probably someone who doesn’t look like a blobfish.

BF:  That hurt.

MI: I’m sorry.  I couldn’t resist.

BF:  I just want to be loved.  Is that so wrong?

MI: It is when you look like you do.

BF: Your non-deep water society is so obsessed with looks.  And who determines what is beautiful and what is not?  The patriarchy?  That’s it isn’t it?  I’m a victim!

MI: We’ll pass that by.  So why do you live in deep water on the coast of Australia?

BF:  Rent.  The rent is very cheap down there.

MI:  I see.

BF: Hey, I want to apologize for my patriarchy rant.  Sometimes railing against the patriarchy gets me women.  Usually ugly feminists but women nonetheless.

MI: What’s next for you?

BF:  Plastic surgery.  

MI: Really?

BF: Yes.  My plastic surgeon assures me that he can make me look like Don Knotts in the Incredible Mr. Limpet.

The sexy Mr. Limpet and a lady friend.

The sexy Mr. Limpet and a lady friend.

  Chicks dug that fish!  They really did.  I want some of Mr. Limpet’s action.

MI: Good luck to you on that.  One last question.  Did you kill Steve Irwin?

BF: Yes.  It’s time I came clean.  I killed him.  

MI:  Why?

BF:  In the deep ocean we blobfish have a saying:  Throw another Steve Irwin on the barbie.

MI:  I see.  Well that’s about all the time we have.

BF: Hey, Manhattan Infidel.  Can you do me a favor?

MI: Sure.  Anything.

BF: Can you introduce me to Olivia Wilde?

MI: What?

BF: Olivia Wilde. She’s hot.  I want her.

MI: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.  I’m going to close this interview now before I put you on the barbie!

BF:  Typical of the patriarchy.  They want to keep their women to themselves.

MI: Leave Olivia Wilde out of this or else! 

BF: Or else what?

[Manhattan Infidel punches the blobfish in the face]

BF: Go ahead.  Punch me.  I can take it.  It’s like punching Jello-O.  We always win.

MI: Sorry man.  I just get a little defensive when her name is mentioned.

And so my interview ended with the Blobfish. Ladies and gentlemen, if you see a blobfish be nice to him.  Even blobfishes need love.  As long as it’s not Olivia Wilde.

(641)

Toucan Sam Enters Rehab

It's not my fault.  God gave me this nose!

It’s not my fault. God gave me this nose!

Toucan Sam, mascot for Fruit Loops has entered rehab for unspecified addictions.

James M. Jenness, chairman of the board for Kellogg, maker of Fruit Loops, has confirmed the news.

“Naturally at this difficult time all our thoughts are with Sam” said Jenness.

Sam and Kellogg have a long professional history and we will stand behind him as he gets the help he needs.  May I also add that on a personal level I have known Sam for almost 30 years.  He was at my daughter’s wedding.  There isn’t a finer toucan than Sam.

Toucan Sam was a struggling stand up comedian in New York in the early ’60s when he was plucked from obscurity and hired by Kellogg to be the spokestoucan for Fruit Loops cereal.

“We wanted someone with a big nose. A very big colorful nose” said Kellogg executive.

The visual of the nose was very important to us.  It was going to sell the cereal.  We had two days of auditions and on the final day Sam shows up.  He just started sniffing around the set and went straight to the Fruit Loops.  “Follow your nose!  It always knows” he said. Well we knew right then he was the right toucan for us.

So popular did Sam become that he branched out. His one man play “Toucan does Shakespeare” ran for six months on Broadway, even though critics panned it.

“I just didn’t get it” said New York Times theater critic Frank Rich.

I understand that he wanted to take risks and modernize the Bard but to have him prancing around on stage saying, “To sniff or not to stiff.  That is the question. For the nose always knows!” just, well, vulgarized Shakespeare.

Stunned by the critics rejection of his interpretation of Shakespeare, Sam began using his nose to find other things than Fruit Loops and soon became addicted to cocaine, meth, and ladies undergarments.

Said one producer who wishes to remain anonymous:

He came onto the set to shoot a commercial and it looked like he hadn’t slept in days.  I mean he looked like Keith Richards covered in feces and vomit.  He couldn’t remember his lines.  He kept sniffing the air and saying “Which one of you lovely ladies is wearing naughty underpants?”  We shot the scene and got the hell out of there.  The freak.

Sam soon became virtually unemployable.  Concerned about their top mascot, Kellogg executives ordered Sam into rehab.

No Fruit Loops commercials will air during Sam’s rehab.

However there are rumors that he is on a short leash.

“Look I love the guy” said Jenness.  “But this is a business and we need a big nose.  If he doesn’t come out clean and sober we’ll hire Pete Townshend.”

(901)

Rapunzel Given Citation by FDNY

The heteronormative patriarchy and theirs subjective standards of female beauty are oppressing me.

The heteronormative patriarchy and theirs subjective standards of female beauty are oppressing me.

Rapunzel, frequently described as “one of the most beautiful people in the world” by People Magazine was cited today by the Fire Department of New York City for violations of the fire code in her Tower co-op.

Miss Rapunzel's tower in Washington Height has been cited for violations of the fire code

Miss Rapunzel’s tower in Washington Height has been cited for violations of the fire code

“We have found several violations” declared the FDNY’s commissioner Salvatore J. Cassano.

Miss Rapunzel’s co-op has no stairs.  None whatsoever. Now that’s obviously a major safety violation.  Suppose there is a fire? How are we supposed to reach her?  There is no front door.  Hell there is no back door.  There’s no door whatsoever.  Again, another major violation.  There is only one window.  Not a violation in itself but you have to wonder how she makes it through the long hot Summer months without any cross-ventilation.  So we cited her.  She has a week to make her residence fire-code compliant or we will be forced to evict her.  Assuming, of course, we can reach her.

Miss Rapunzel has acknowledged all the violations, but cites extenuating circumstances.

Yes I knew it had no stairs or a door.  But to me those are a plus.  Being a single women in New York you have to think about security. Frankly it was a steal.  Have you checked out the real estate market in Manhattan?  It’s ridiculous.  I was hoping to get something in the Village or the upper west side.  Instead I’m stuck here in Washington Heights.  Do you know it takes almost a half hour by subway to get downtown?  So no I’m not moving out.  I’ll fight the FDNY tooth and nail if I have to. This is my tower and I’ll cry if I want to.

The FDNY has announced that it appreciates Miss Rapunzel’s position but that the fire code is there for a reason.

She’s going to have to fix up her co-op.  What if there is a fire?  We would be seriously compromised in fighting it.  The fire might spread to adjoining structures. No.  She must comply with our regulations or face eviction.

Rapunzel for her part doesn’t know how she will be able to do this.

Do you know how much it’ll cost to upgrade my place?  It’s going to cost me almost 20,000 dollars.  I don’t have that kind of money.  

Desperate not to lose her co-op, Rapunzel has resorted to unorthodox methods to raise cash.

I’ve thought of doing porn, but the field is pretty crowded right now.  So I’ve decided to give hair rides.  For only 100 dollars per ride I will let down my hair and let New Yorkers climb up to me.  I should get plenty of takers.  God knows most of the men I’ve met in New York have strange fetishes.

Rapunzel’s plan to raise funds only needs to be approved by the FDNY.

“Hair ride” said the commissioner.  “That sounds like a violation. We might have to fine her.’

(732)

The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part XIII)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

Barack, knowing that his hour had come, that he should pass out from too much wine; having loved his own and hated and wanted to punish his enemies just like he told the Hispanics to do, he loved his friends unto the end and made sure they got government grants to open wind tunnel farms.

And when supper was done he riseth from supper, and layeth aside his garments for he did not believe in bourgeois social conventions.

He putteth water into a basin, and began to wash the feet of his disciples in the MSM, just like Rex Ryan of the New York Jets would.

He cometh therefore to Joe Biden.  And Biden saith to him:  Dost thou wash my feet?  This is a big f*cking deal!

Barack answered, and said to him:  What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter.  Or, maybe not.  You’re Joe Biden after all.

Joe Biden saith to him:  Thou shalt never wash my feet. For they stinketh much and I don’t want you to pass out.  Barack answered him:  If I wash thee not, thou shalt be washed by the Secret Service and they have hoses and won’t be gentle.

Joe Biden saith to him:  Barack, not only my feet, but also my hands and my head.

Barack saith to him:  Yeah, don’t press your luck dirty white boy.

Then after he had washed their feet, and taken his garments back on, hiding his young, muscular physique that made his disciples in the MSM moan, he said to them:  Know you what I have done?  You call me Constitutional scholar, and you say well, for so I am.  If then I being a Constitutional scholar have washed your feet, you also ought to wash on an0ther’s feet.  Except for Joe, the dirty white boy.

Amen, amen I say to you:  The citizen is not greater than the State; neither is the Constitution greater than the President.

When Barack had said these things, he was troubled in spirit, probably because of the un-American Koch brothers; and he testified, and said:  Amen, amen, I say to you, one of you shall betray socialism.

The disciples in the MSM therefore looked upon another, doubting of whom he spoke.

Now there was leaning on Barack’s bosum one of his disciples, whom Barack loved.  No, not a Pakistani man, but another one.

Barack said:  He it is to whom I shall reach gluten-free bread dipped.  And when he had dipped the gluten-free bread, he gave it to Valerie Jarrett.

After the morsel, the spirit of the Koch brothers entered her.  And Barack said to her:  That which thou dost, do quickly before Fox news finds out.

Now no man at the table knew to what purpose he said this to her.  For some thought, because Jarrett had the purse, that Barack had said to her:  Buy some shoes.

When she therefore was gone out, Barack said:  Now is the son of socialism glorified.

A new commandment I give unto you:  That you love one another, and their feet, and you punish your enemies.

Joe Biden saith to him:  Why cannot I follow thee now?  I will lay down my life for thee. For I am just the Vice President and do not matter.

Barack answered him:  Wilt thou lay down life for me? Amen, amen I say to thee, the cock shall not crow, till thou say something stupid thrice.

(To be continued)

(597)

The Official Al Sharpton Wire Transcripts

Does this track suit make my butt look fat?

Does this track suit make my butt look fat?

Manhattan Infidel was formed for one reason: To make it easier to pick up women Relax everyone’s doing it Jiggers it’s the cops run! To expose the truth!

With the news that noted race hustler civil rights leader Al Sharpton wore a wire for the FBI in the early 1980s the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel was on the case.

Presented for your approval the official Al Sharpton/FBI wire transcripts.

The scene:  New York City, 1983.

Tape One:

Undercover FBI agent:We need you to set up this cocaine deal.  Can  you do that for us Reverend?  There’s a ten percent finders’ fee for you.  

Sharpton:I can get pure coke for about 35,000 a kilo.

Undercover FBI agent:Not bad.  Not bad.

Sharpton:Hey, does this track suit make my butt look fat?

Stop looking at my butt!

Stop looking at my butt!

Undercover FBI agent:Um. No. Not at all.

Tape Two:

Undercover FBI agent:You did good getting all that cocaine for us.

Sharpton:No problem  Anything for my boys in the FBI.  You know black people love cocaine.

Undercover FBI agent:Um.

Sharpton:Seriously we love cocaine.  I bath in it. I use it in my hair.  

Does my hair look fat?

Does my hair look fat?

You could call me the cocaine-loving Reverend.  That’s how my race is different that those drunken Irish boys.  Do you want me to kill anyone?  Some Irish boys?

Undercover FBI agent: Um.  No.  No!  We just want you to set up some cocaine buys for us.

Sharpton:Well if you want me to kill anyone let me know.  I’m your boy.

Tape Three:

Undercover FBI agent:Reverend, thanks for meeting with us.

Sharpton:Sorry I’m late.

Undercover FBI agent:No problem.  What’s that smell?

Sharpton:Gasoline.  I was burning down Jew-owned stores in Harlem.

Undercover FBI agent: Yeah, go easy on the illegal activity.  This is a sensitive time for our coke deals.

Sharpton:Burning down Jew-owned stores is illegal?

Undercover FBI agent:Yes.

Sharpton:This is an outrage!  My people will not stand for this!  No justice, no peace!

Undercover FBI agent:Anyway can we talk about the wire we want you to wear? 

Sharpton:Sure.  You can put it inside my Martin Luther King Freedom medal.  

Does this medal make my butt look fat?

Does this medal make my butt look fat?

He won’t mind.  He doesn’t need it anymore. He’s dead you know.  I think he was a Jew.  That’s why I burned down his store in Harlem. Hey, will this wire make my butt look fat?

Undercover FBI agent:Never mind.  We won’t be needing your help after all.

The FBI eventually decided not to use Sharpton as an informer, citing “emotional instability” in the Reverend.

“All he wanted to do was kill people and burn their stores down” said an official in the Agency.

(1445)

Help NBC Create Its Next Sitcom Smash!

We'll have a gay old time!

We’ll have a gay old time!

Good news for all struggling writers, would-be writers, those curious about writing, those curious about writing but don’t want anyone to find out, those who wrote once but stopped because of shame and those who secretly write every Friday night in the bushes in Central Park.

NBC needs help!  No, not meds for their executives.  NBC wants you to write their next sitcom! (That’s short for “situation comedy” for those of you who aren’t in the business.)

As with anything in life, there are rules.  All NBC asks is that the sitcom “reflect the values of the National Broadcasting Company.” 

And so I now present for my readers who may want to enter this contest the template that NBC would like you to follow.

  • The protagonist of your sitcom is
  1. A possibly gay astronaut
  2. A possibly gay insurance salesman
  3. A possibly gay doctor
  4. A possibly gay fireman
  5. A possibly gay zombie

 

  • Your protagonist’s next door neighbor is
  1. Nosy and always causing trouble, yet lovable and gay
  2. A gay ghost
  3. A gay ghost who is nosy and always causing trouble, yet still lovable
  4. Nosy, unfriendly and possibly straight and hate-filled
  5. A wacky gay inventor who is nosy and always causing trouble

 

  • In the pilot episode your protagonist has to
  1. Help out a friend’s son, who wants to find a way to come out to his parents
  2. Help out a co-worker’s son, who wants to find a way to come out to his parents
  3. Help out a college boy he has never met before who wants to find a way to come out to his parents
  4. Teach a lesson in tolerance to his hate-filled and intolerant straight neighbor
  5. Help out someone online who wants to find a way to come out to their parents

 

  • Throughout the first year of your sitcom your protagonist’s main concern is
  1. Keeping peace among all his wacky, nosy, yet lovable gay neighbors
  2. Rebuffing the advances of a woman in his office
  3. Maintaining a friendly relationship with his ex wife who left him for her female lover
  4. Teaching his hate-filled, straight and religious neighbor about tolerance
  5. Growing as a person as he begins to come to terms with his sexuality

 

  • Your season one cliffhanger will end with
  1. Your protagonist inviting one of his gay neighbors into his bedroom
  2. Your protagonist being invited into his gay neighbor’s bedroom
  3. His hate-filled, straight and religious neighbor being caught with his pants down in his gay neighbor’s bedroom
  4. The zombie apocalypse featuring many lovable, nosy and gay zombies
  5. Your protagonist opting for sex reassignment surgery

 

Well, what are you waiting for.  Get cracking and write NBC’s next hit sitcom!

(1157)

Ban Assault Knives!

This man used legal assault knives to injure his fellow students!

This man used legal assault knives to injure his fellow students!

Once again an American high school was locked down. Once again the scourge of violence struck the heartland.  Once again cable news rushed to cover a local crime story in hopes of instructing America and getting better ratings.

Alex Hribal, a 16-year old student at Franklin Regional High School in Murrysville, Pennsylvania was arrested for the mass stabbings.  After the shock and awe of the stabbings attention soon turned to why?  Why would a student commit a mass stabbing?  What was the root cause? What government action is necessary and proper to ensure that this never happens again? And, most importantly, what is that burning sensation in my groin?

After contemplating the issue of knife violence, I, the Manhattan Infidel, have come up with the only common sense solution:  Massive government intervention.

I now present my plan to make our schools safer.

  • Ban assault knives!

It is clear to anyone with a shred of intelligence that Alex Hribal could not have injured so many unless he had access to so-called “assault knives” such as these

These weapons of destruction should be banned!
These weapons of destruction should be banned!

 these

How many of our children must die?

How many of our children must die?

or even these.

Sure they look innocuous but they kill nevertheless!

Sure they look innocuous but they kill nevertheless!

Common sense dictates that no one needs knives such as these.  The ownership of so-called assault knives should be strictly limited.  Where possible laws should be passed banning outright the private ownership of such brutal weapons of destruction.

But Manhattan Infidel you say private ownership of knives is an American tradition enshrined in the Constitution.

Yes that may be so.  But our founding fathers lived in the 18th century.  They never envisioned the modern knife.  It has been proven that modern knives can kill with an efficiency far greater than knives of the 18th century. Let’s look at the difference.

First a 21st century knife.

Scary isn't it?

Scary isn’t it?

Now let’s look at an 18th century knife.

A cute and cuddly 18th century knife

A cute and cuddly 18th century knife

I think all right-thinking, intelligent people can see the difference.

Where outright banning of knives is impractical laws can be passed severely curtailing the ability of knife owners to use them or sell them.

I humbly suggest that a law be passed giving Federal employees from the Environmental Protection Agency or the Internal Revenue Service the right to enter homes without a warrant to ensure that any and all assault knives are under lock and key. If the assault knives are not found to be such, they will be confiscated and the owner’s home sold.

But you may be saying, I need my knives to cut my food.  Do you?  Do you really? Do you honestly need an assault knife to eat meat?

Cannot hands be used to cut and tear meat?  (Though honestly Americans should be weaned off their warlike meat diet.  But that’s a post for another day.)

So to recap:  Ban assault knives.  No more assault knives. No assault knives today. No assault knives tomorrow!  No assault knives forever!

Do it for America.

Do it for the children!

Well that’s my plan.  Let’s get these laws passed as soon as possible!  Write your congressperson!

Just don’t use an assault pen such as this

This is an assault pen!

This is an assault pen!

when doing it.  Use a non-assault pen

This is a non-assault pen!

This is a non-assault pen!

like the one just pictured.

Thank you.

The Manhattan Infidel.

(3358)

The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part XII)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

Barack therefore, came to Georgetown, where Lazarus had been dead, whom Barack raised and taxed to life.  And they made him gluten-free supper there:  And Martha served:  But Lazarus was one of them that were at table with him.

Mary therefore took a pound of ointment, of great price after the sales tax, and anointed the feet of Jesus, just like Jets’ coach Rex Ryan would do, and wiped his feet with her hair, and the house was filled with the odor of Barack’s feet.

Then one of his disciples, Valerie Jarrett, she that was about to betray him, said:  Why was not this ointment for three hundred pence, and given to the government?  Now she said this, not because she cared about the government, but because she was stupid.

Barack therefore said:  The government you have always with you; but me you have not always because I have to hide from Michelle.

A great multitude therefore knew that he was there; and they came that they might see Lazarus, whom he had raised and taxed from the dead.

But Hillary Clinton thought  to kill Lazarus also:  Because many, by reason of him, went away and believed in Barack and repealing the 22nd amendment.

And on the next day, a great multitude heard that Barack was coming, and took branches of palm trees and went forth to meet him, crying:  Hosanna blessed is he that has raised fuel prices so much we have to walk.

And Barack found Joe Biden, and sat upon him, as it is written:  Fear not, behold Barack thy king cometh, sitting on an ass.

Now there were certain useful idiots among them, who came up to adore.

These therefore came to the White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough saying, Sir, we would see Barack.

But Barack answered them, saying:  Amen, amen I say to you, unless they contribute money to me to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom, they remaineth alone.

He that loveth his life is a Republican, for Republicans are stupid and only stupid people love their lives.

And he that hateth his life in this world is an intellectually superior elite Democrat who cares too much.

Now is my soul troubled.  And what shall I say?  Father, whom I only met once or twice, save me from Michelle?

A voice therefore came from heaven:  Barack this is your father. Sorry about abandoning you but that’s just how I roll, man.

The multitude therefore that stood and heard said:  An angel has spoken to him, or maybe his shady, deadbeat father.

Barack answered and said:  Now shall the Koch brothers be cast out.

And I, if I be lifted up from the Earth, will draw all things to myself.  Because I’m the President and can have the IRS hound their ass.

Barack therefore said to the multitude:  Yet a little while, the light is among you.  Walk while you have the incandescent light bulbs, that the darkness of mercury bulbs which do not last, overtake you.

These things Barack spoke; and he went away, and hid himself from them for he thought he heard Michelle coming.

(514)

My Exclusive and Empowering Interview with Belle Knox

Choke me until I pass out with empowerment!

Choke me until I pass out with empowerment!

For the past couple weeks much discussion has centered around Belle Knox, the Duke university freshman who started doing porn to pay for tuition.  I was lucky enough to have an exclusive sit-down with the fascinating and empowered young woman.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Knox.

BN: Hey, what’s up dude.

MI: Let’s get straight to business.

BN: Ooh, I like your take-charge attitude.  It empowers me.

MI: Um. Okay.  Now why did you start doing porn?

BN: Well as you know I am a freshman attending Duke university and tuition at Duke costs 45 thousand a year.  That’s quite expensive.

MI: Wow.  Forty five thousand? That’s much more expensive than my tuition when I went to a state university in New York.

BN: I had to find a way to pay my tuition.  A way that would be satisfying and empowering.  So it was either drive a truck or do porn.  And tractor trailers are patriarchal.

MI: But why – 

BN: So you see I had absolutely no choice.  I had to do porn.

MI: Well you didn’t have to attend Duke.  You could have gone to a much cheaper college.

BN: Out of the question.  I specifically went to Duke because of my major.

MI: Which is?

BN: Lesbian imagery in the Old Testament.

MI: FittingWith a major like that the only job you would have gotten when you graduated was in porn.

BN: How ironic.  How empoweringly ironic.

MI: So why not must skip college?

BN: Are you kidding?  Do you know how horny sorority girls are?  I’m getting more pussy than the WNBA.

MI: Let’s talk about your future.  Do you want your children to know you did porn?

BN: I’m not going to have children.

MI: Why don’t you like children.

BN: Oh I love children.   And I’d like to be a mother one day.  It’s just that the syphilis I contracted doing porn has made me infertile.

MI: I see. Tough break.

BN: My privates are riddled with infectious sores. It kind of smells and looks like take out Chinese left in the fridge for six months.  I had maggots crawl out of my privates last week. Fortunately the director left it in the shot. He said it was edgy.

MI:  Um.  One last thing before I go.  You specialize in a genre of porn known as choking porn. May I choke you?

BN: What?  No. You’re not my type and your old and gross.

MI: What if I film it?

BN: Oh that’s totally different.  Choke away!

[Manhattan Infidel proceeds to choke Belle Knox]

BN: Oh god I’m choking.  I’m…..gag…..I’m choking.  I’m choking in an empowered fashion!  Empower me!  Empower me harder!

And so I proceeded to choke Miss Knox until she passed out from empowerment.

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