This man used legal assault knives to injure his fellow students!

Once again an American high school was locked down. Once again the scourge of violence struck the heartland.  Once again cable news rushed to cover a local crime story in hopes of instructing America and getting better ratings.

Alex Hribal, a 16-year old student at Franklin Regional High School in Murrysville, Pennsylvania was arrested for the mass stabbings.  After the shock and awe of the stabbings attention soon turned to why?  Why would a student commit a mass stabbing?  What was the root cause? What government action is necessary and proper to ensure that this never happens again? And, most importantly, what is that burning sensation in my groin?

After contemplating the issue of knife violence, I, the Manhattan Infidel, have come up with the only common sense solution:  Massive government intervention.

I now present my plan to make our schools safer.

• Ban assault knives!

It is clear to anyone with a shred of intelligence that Alex Hribal could not have injured so many unless he had access to so-called “assault knives” such as these

These weapons of destruction should be banned!

 these

How many of our children must die?

or even these.

Sure they look innocuous but they kill nevertheless!

Common sense dictates that no one needs knives such as these.  The ownership of so-called assault knives should be strictly limited.  Where possible laws should be passed banning outright the private ownership of such brutal weapons of destruction.

But Manhattan Infidel you say private ownership of knives is an American tradition enshrined in the Constitution.

Yes that may be so.  But our founding fathers lived in the 18th century.  They never envisioned the modern knife.  It has been proven that modern knives can kill with an efficiency far greater than knives of the 18th century. Let’s look at the difference.

First a 21st century knife.

Scary isn’t it?

Now let’s look at an 18th century knife.

A cute and cuddly 18th century knife

I think all right-thinking, intelligent people can see the difference.

Where outright banning of knives is impractical laws can be passed severely curtailing the ability of knife owners to use them or sell them.

I humbly suggest that a law be passed giving Federal employees from the Environmental Protection Agency or the Internal Revenue Service the right to enter homes without a warrant to ensure that any and all assault knives are under lock and key. If the assault knives are not found to be such, they will be confiscated and the owner’s home sold.

But you may be saying, I need my knives to cut my food.  Do you?  Do you really? Do you honestly need an assault knife to eat meat?

Cannot hands be used to cut and tear meat?  (Though honestly Americans should be weaned off their warlike meat diet.  But that’s a post for another day.)

So to recap:  Ban assault knives.  No more assault knives. No assault knives today. No assault knives tomorrow!  No assault knives forever!

Do it for America.

Do it for the children!

Well that’s my plan.  Let’s get these laws passed as soon as possible!  Write your congressperson!

Just don’t use an assault pen such as this

This is an assault pen!

when doing it.  Use a non-assault pen

This is a non-assault pen!

like the one just pictured.

Thank you.

The Manhattan Infidel.

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