The heteronormative patriarchy and theirs subjective standards of female beauty are oppressing me.

Rapunzel, frequently described as “one of the most beautiful people in the world” by People Magazine was cited today by the Fire Department of New York City for violations of the fire code in her Tower co-op.

Miss Rapunzel’s tower in Washington Height has been cited for violations of the fire code

“We have found several violations” declared the FDNY’s commissioner Salvatore J. Cassano.

Miss Rapunzel’s co-op has no stairs.  None whatsoever. Now that’s obviously a major safety violation.  Suppose there is a fire? How are we supposed to reach her?  There is no front door.  Hell there is no back door.  There’s no door whatsoever.  Again, another major violation.  There is only one window.  Not a violation in itself but you have to wonder how she makes it through the long hot Summer months without any cross-ventilation.  So we cited her.  She has a week to make her residence fire-code compliant or we will be forced to evict her.  Assuming, of course, we can reach her.

Miss Rapunzel has acknowledged all the violations, but cites extenuating circumstances.

Yes I knew it had no stairs or a door.  But to me those are a plus.  Being a single women in New York you have to think about security. Frankly it was a steal.  Have you checked out the real estate market in Manhattan?  It’s ridiculous.  I was hoping to get something in the Village or the upper west side.  Instead I’m stuck here in Washington Heights.  Do you know it takes almost a half hour by subway to get downtown?  So no I’m not moving out.  I’ll fight the FDNY tooth and nail if I have to. This is my tower and I’ll cry if I want to.

The FDNY has announced that it appreciates Miss Rapunzel’s position but that the fire code is there for a reason.

She’s going to have to fix up her co-op.  What if there is a fire?  We would be seriously compromised in fighting it.  The fire might spread to adjoining structures. No.  She must comply with our regulations or face eviction.

Rapunzel for her part doesn’t know how she will be able to do this.

Do you know how much it’ll cost to upgrade my place?  It’s going to cost me almost 20,000 dollars.  I don’t have that kind of money.  

Desperate not to lose her co-op, Rapunzel has resorted to unorthodox methods to raise cash.

I’ve thought of doing porn, but the field is pretty crowded right now.  So I’ve decided to give hair rides.  For only 100 dollars per ride I will let down my hair and let New Yorkers climb up to me.  I should get plenty of takers.  God knows most of the men I’ve met in New York have strange fetishes.

Rapunzel’s plan to raise funds only needs to be approved by the FDNY.

“Hair ride” said the commissioner.  “That sounds like a violation. We might have to fine her.’

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