Toucan Sam Enters Rehab

It's not my fault.  God gave me this nose!

It’s not my fault. God gave me this nose!

Toucan Sam, mascot for Fruit Loops has entered rehab for unspecified addictions.

James M. Jenness, chairman of the board for Kellogg, maker of Fruit Loops, has confirmed the news.

“Naturally at this difficult time all our thoughts are with Sam” said Jenness.

Sam and Kellogg have a long professional history and we will stand behind him as he gets the help he needs.  May I also add that on a personal level I have known Sam for almost 30 years.  He was at my daughter’s wedding.  There isn’t a finer toucan than Sam.

Toucan Sam was a struggling stand up comedian in New York in the early ’60s when he was plucked from obscurity and hired by Kellogg to be the spokestoucan for Fruit Loops cereal.

“We wanted someone with a big nose. A very big colorful nose” said Kellogg executive.

The visual of the nose was very important to us.  It was going to sell the cereal.  We had two days of auditions and on the final day Sam shows up.  He just started sniffing around the set and went straight to the Fruit Loops.  “Follow your nose!  It always knows” he said. Well we knew right then he was the right toucan for us.

So popular did Sam become that he branched out. His one man play “Toucan does Shakespeare” ran for six months on Broadway, even though critics panned it.

“I just didn’t get it” said New York Times theater critic Frank Rich.

I understand that he wanted to take risks and modernize the Bard but to have him prancing around on stage saying, “To sniff or not to stiff.  That is the question. For the nose always knows!” just, well, vulgarized Shakespeare.

Stunned by the critics rejection of his interpretation of Shakespeare, Sam began using his nose to find other things than Fruit Loops and soon became addicted to cocaine, meth, and ladies undergarments.

Said one producer who wishes to remain anonymous:

He came onto the set to shoot a commercial and it looked like he hadn’t slept in days.  I mean he looked like Keith Richards covered in feces and vomit.  He couldn’t remember his lines.  He kept sniffing the air and saying “Which one of you lovely ladies is wearing naughty underpants?”  We shot the scene and got the hell out of there.  The freak.

Sam soon became virtually unemployable.  Concerned about their top mascot, Kellogg executives ordered Sam into rehab.

No Fruit Loops commercials will air during Sam’s rehab.

However there are rumors that he is on a short leash.

“Look I love the guy” said Jenness.  “But this is a business and we need a big nose.  If he doesn’t come out clean and sober we’ll hire Pete Townshend.”


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