The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part XII)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

Barack therefore, came to Georgetown, where Lazarus had been dead, whom Barack raised and taxed to life.  And they made him gluten-free supper there:  And Martha served:  But Lazarus was one of them that were at table with him.

Mary therefore took a pound of ointment, of great price after the sales tax, and anointed the feet of Jesus, just like Jets’ coach Rex Ryan would do, and wiped his feet with her hair, and the house was filled with the odor of Barack’s feet.

Then one of his disciples, Valerie Jarrett, she that was about to betray him, said:  Why was not this ointment for three hundred pence, and given to the government?  Now she said this, not because she cared about the government, but because she was stupid.

Barack therefore said:  The government you have always with you; but me you have not always because I have to hide from Michelle.

A great multitude therefore knew that he was there; and they came that they might see Lazarus, whom he had raised and taxed from the dead.

But Hillary Clinton thought  to kill Lazarus also:  Because many, by reason of him, went away and believed in Barack and repealing the 22nd amendment.

And on the next day, a great multitude heard that Barack was coming, and took branches of palm trees and went forth to meet him, crying:  Hosanna blessed is he that has raised fuel prices so much we have to walk.

And Barack found Joe Biden, and sat upon him, as it is written:  Fear not, behold Barack thy king cometh, sitting on an ass.

Now there were certain useful idiots among them, who came up to adore.

These therefore came to the White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough saying, Sir, we would see Barack.

But Barack answered them, saying:  Amen, amen I say to you, unless they contribute money to me to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom, they remaineth alone.

He that loveth his life is a Republican, for Republicans are stupid and only stupid people love their lives.

And he that hateth his life in this world is an intellectually superior elite Democrat who cares too much.

Now is my soul troubled.  And what shall I say?  Father, whom I only met once or twice, save me from Michelle?

A voice therefore came from heaven:  Barack this is your father. Sorry about abandoning you but that’s just how I roll, man.

The multitude therefore that stood and heard said:  An angel has spoken to him, or maybe his shady, deadbeat father.

Barack answered and said:  Now shall the Koch brothers be cast out.

And I, if I be lifted up from the Earth, will draw all things to myself.  Because I’m the President and can have the IRS hound their ass.

Barack therefore said to the multitude:  Yet a little while, the light is among you.  Walk while you have the incandescent light bulbs, that the darkness of mercury bulbs which do not last, overtake you.

These things Barack spoke; and he went away, and hid himself from them for he thought he heard Michelle coming.


One Response

  1. Aren’t you supposed to feel uplifted after reading the gospel? Why do I feel so… disgusted?

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