My Exclusive Interview with Psychrolutes Marcidus

I want to be loved.  Is that so wrong?

I want to be loved. Is that so wrong?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a rare guest to our shores: the Psychrolutes marcidus (better known as the Blobfish).

MI: Good afternoon.

BF: Good afternoon, mate.

MI: So what should I call you?  Psychrolutes?  Blob?  

BF: Blob will do.

MI: Let’s start out with what everyone wants to know.  You were voted the worlds ugliest animal.  How does that make you feel.

BF: Well as you can imagine I wasn’t pleased with it. I may be gelatinous but I have feelings. Yes I’m no Brad Pitt but the world’s ugliest animal?  Uglier than Carrot Top?

MI: A valid point.

BF: I mean, I have a masters degree in 19th century English literature.  I’m fluent in six languages.  What more do women want?

MI: Probably someone who doesn’t look like a blobfish.

BF:  That hurt.

MI: I’m sorry.  I couldn’t resist.

BF:  I just want to be loved.  Is that so wrong?

MI: It is when you look like you do.

BF: Your non-deep water society is so obsessed with looks.  And who determines what is beautiful and what is not?  The patriarchy?  That’s it isn’t it?  I’m a victim!

MI: We’ll pass that by.  So why do you live in deep water on the coast of Australia?

BF:  Rent.  The rent is very cheap down there.

MI:  I see.

BF: Hey, I want to apologize for my patriarchy rant.  Sometimes railing against the patriarchy gets me women.  Usually ugly feminists but women nonetheless.

MI: What’s next for you?

BF:  Plastic surgery.  

MI: Really?

BF: Yes.  My plastic surgeon assures me that he can make me look like Don Knotts in the Incredible Mr. Limpet.

The sexy Mr. Limpet and a lady friend.

The sexy Mr. Limpet and a lady friend.

  Chicks dug that fish!  They really did.  I want some of Mr. Limpet’s action.

MI: Good luck to you on that.  One last question.  Did you kill Steve Irwin?

BF: Yes.  It’s time I came clean.  I killed him.  

MI:  Why?

BF:  In the deep ocean we blobfish have a saying:  Throw another Steve Irwin on the barbie.

MI:  I see.  Well that’s about all the time we have.

BF: Hey, Manhattan Infidel.  Can you do me a favor?

MI: Sure.  Anything.

BF: Can you introduce me to Olivia Wilde?

MI: What?

BF: Olivia Wilde. She’s hot.  I want her.

MI: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.  I’m going to close this interview now before I put you on the barbie!

BF:  Typical of the patriarchy.  They want to keep their women to themselves.

MI: Leave Olivia Wilde out of this or else! 

BF: Or else what?

[Manhattan Infidel punches the blobfish in the face]

BF: Go ahead.  Punch me.  I can take it.  It’s like punching Jello-O.  We always win.

MI: Sorry man.  I just get a little defensive when her name is mentioned.

And so my interview ended with the Blobfish. Ladies and gentlemen, if you see a blobfish be nice to him.  Even blobfishes need love.  As long as it’s not Olivia Wilde.


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