Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing a rare guest to our shores: the Psychrolutes marcidus (better known as the Blobfish).
MI: Good afternoon.
BF: Good afternoon, mate.
MI: So what should I call you? Psychrolutes? Blob?
BF: Blob will do.
MI: Let’s start out with what everyone wants to know. You were voted the worlds ugliest animal. How does that make you feel.
BF: Well as you can imagine I wasn’t pleased with it. I may be gelatinous but I have feelings. Yes I’m no Brad Pitt but the world’s ugliest animal? Uglier than Carrot Top?
MI: A valid point.
BF: I mean, I have a masters degree in 19th century English literature. I’m fluent in six languages. What more do women want?
MI: Probably someone who doesn’t look like a blobfish.
BF: That hurt.
MI: I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.
BF: I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?
MI: It is when you look like you do.
BF: Your non-deep water society is so obsessed with looks. And who determines what is beautiful and what is not? The patriarchy? That’s it isn’t it? I’m a victim!
MI: We’ll pass that by. So why do you live in deep water on the coast of Australia?
BF: Rent. The rent is very cheap down there.
MI: I see.
BF: Hey, I want to apologize for my patriarchy rant. Sometimes railing against the patriarchy gets me women. Usually ugly feminists but women nonetheless.
MI: What’s next for you?
BF: Plastic surgery.
MI: Really?
BF: Yes. My plastic surgeon assures me that he can make me look like Don Knotts in the Incredible Mr. Limpet.
Chicks dug that fish! They really did. I want some of Mr. Limpet’s action.
MI: Good luck to you on that. One last question. Did you kill Steve Irwin?
BF: Yes. It’s time I came clean. I killed him.
MI: Why?
BF: In the deep ocean we blobfish have a saying: Throw another Steve Irwin on the barbie.
MI: I see. Well that’s about all the time we have.
BF: Hey, Manhattan Infidel. Can you do me a favor?
MI: Sure. Anything.
BF: Can you introduce me to Olivia Wilde?
MI: What?
BF: Olivia Wilde. She’s hot. I want her.
MI: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. I’m going to close this interview now before I put you on the barbie!
BF: Typical of the patriarchy. They want to keep their women to themselves.
MI: Leave Olivia Wilde out of this or else!
BF: Or else what?
[Manhattan Infidel punches the blobfish in the face]
BF: Go ahead. Punch me. I can take it. It’s like punching Jello-O. We always win.
MI: Sorry man. I just get a little defensive when her name is mentioned.
And so my interview ended with the Blobfish. Ladies and gentlemen, if you see a blobfish be nice to him. Even blobfishes need love. As long as it’s not Olivia Wilde.
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