21 Jul 14

Your 2014 Yankees: The Climate Change Edition

“With those who don’t give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can’t think of anything to say to them.” ~Art Hill

Go Yankees! Climate change kills polar bears

Go Yankees! Climate change kills polar bears

And so on a beautiful July day in the Bronx when the temperature didn’t even reach 80 (global warming climate change) The Yankees concluded their three-game set against the Cincinnati Reds.

The Yankees started the last man standing in their original starting rotation, Hiroki Kuroda (6-6 4.10) and the Red’s countered with Johnny Cueto (10-6 2.13).

The Red scored first in the top of the fifth.   Zack Cozart led off with a routine grounder to second basemen Brian Roberts.  Roberts however booted the ball (perhaps he was so distraught over global warming climate change he lost sight of the grounder?)  He then scored on a ground rule double by Skip Schumaker.  1-0 Reds after 4 1/2 innings.

In the bottom of the fifth after Kelly Johnson and Brett Gardner walked (global warming climate change again) Derek Jeter singled home Johnson.  Jacoby Ellsbury then singled home Brett Gardner.  2-1 Yankees after five.

In the top of the 8th Todd Frazier homered on a 3-2 pitch to deep left.  2-2 after eight innings.

Would the game go into extra innings?  Would the game extend into the evening hours?  Would more polar bears drown because of the lights in use at Yankee stadium?  (Global warming climate change again.)

In the bottom of the ninth Jacoby Ellsbury singled and stole second.  Brian McCann then hit a pop up that was just out of the reach of the first and second basement.  Ellsbury scored the winning run thereby saving the lives of many polar bears.

David Robertson (1-2 2.60) got the win for the Yankees and Aroldis Chapman (0-3 2.40) got the loss for Cincinnati.

Notes on the game:

Who would have suspected at the start of the season that the entire Yankee starting rotation would be out for the season except Hiroki Kuroda, 39 years and the old man of the rotation.  CC Sabathia and Ivan Nova are out for the season.  Michael Pineda is out until he finds a more discreet location to store his pine tar.  Tanaka is out and may be out all of next year depending on whether he needs Tommy John surgery.  Kiroda pitched well, giving up three hits and one run over 6 2/3 innings while striking out six.

Dellin Betances, the all star who has struck out 87 in 57 innings did not pitch well today and gave up the game tying home run.

Today before the game the Special Operations Warrior Foundation parachuted into Yankee Stadium. The parachuters immediately injured their elbows and will require Tommy John surgery and will be out the rest of the year.  Perhaps if the Earth wasn’t suffering from global warming climate change they wouldn’t have hurt themselves.

photo (89)

Ouch! My elbow!

Ouch! My elbow!

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “The movement of the movable necessarily follows the mover”  didn’t fire people up.  In fact I was beaten by the angry crowd.  “He’s quoting Aquinas!  Stop him!”

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I am curious about this global warming climate change you speak of. Do tattoos lead to global warming climate change?”

Yes.  And your tattoos are killing polar bears.  You are a bad person.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I stubbed my toe the other day.  Global warming climate change?”

Yes.  There is no evil that global warming climate change isn’t responsible for.

Someone known as L.T. of New York writes, “Global warming climate change stole my vintage 70s era Barbie dolls.”

Serves you right for using 100 watt bulbs and flush toilets. Have you no shame?

Recommended reading material:

Global warming climate change make my wife’s breasts grow larger.

Note:  There is no such book as that unfortunately but I’d read it.  Especially if it were a pop up book.

My record this year is 2-6.  My next game is Monday August 4th against the Detroit Tigers (who quite possibly are behind the global warming climate change epidemic.)

Go Yankees!

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18 Jul 14

Batgirl Sues Batman, Robin

I am a woman and dammit I'm just as good t my job as a man!

I am a woman and dammit I’m just as good at my job as a man!

Famous Gotham City crime fighter Batgirl has filed a lawsuit against fellow crime fighters Batman and Robin, citing, “a pattern of sexual abuse and defamation of character resulting in a loss of promotion opportunities.”

“Originally I was very excited to join Batman and Robin” said Batgirl in her deposition.

Here I was a woman fighting crime with the men.  I took my responsibility very seriously as I knew other girls who might one day grow up to be crime fighters were looking to me as an example.

Batgirl goes on to relate that her initial enthusiasm was dampened by the “hypersexual atmosphere” of the Bat Cave.

Every time I was in the Bat Cave, every damn time, Batman would make it a point of putting his hand on my shoulder and complimenting me on my costume.  He said he was just trying to be nice but I could sense the desperate stench of male sexuality all over him.   I mean he was old enough to be my father.  The only reason I put up with his hands on my body was because he was a millionaire.  Yes, I know he’s Bruce Wayne.  Everybody knows he’s Bruce Wayne.  The Bat Cave is right under Wayne Manor for God’s sake.  

As for Robin, Batgirl has no sympathy or respect for him.

I’ve seen the way Batman used him as his sexual plaything.  The poor kid was innocent and conflicted but he idolized Batman and would do anything for him. Batman was always asking Robin if he “wanted to take a ride on the Bat pole.”  I can only imagine what sort of sexual perversity that was.  Robin used to talk to me when Batman wasn’t around and ask me how I resisted him.  He used to ask me for makeup tips and say that he wishes he could be as pretty as me.  He also complimented me on not having a penis, which was creepy.  “I try tucking it in” he told me. “But Batman likes to see it through my costume.”  I mean come on.  Don’t be a victim.  Sexual harassment is nothing to laugh about no matter the circumstances.

Batgirl says that the moment she first realized she had to sue was when Batman asked her to reach inside his utility belt and pull out the “anti-crime snake.”

I said no and then I slapped him.  Poor Robin.  I thought he was going to faint.  As I left the cave I could see Robin consoling Batman by sitting in his lap.

Shortly after this Batgirl was fired by Batman.  Batgirl is asking to be reinstated with back pay and for Batman to issue a statement saying that he values his partnership with Batgirl and that any comments contrary to this that he may have uttered are false.

It’s a simple matter of justice.  For me and for any girl who may wish to follow me as a crime fighter.

For his part Batman has responded to the lawsuit by calling Batgirl a “psycho with a chip on her shoulder who’s been reading too much feminist literature.”

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Breaking News  Breaking News Breaking News  Breaking News  Breaking News 

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Famous Gotham city crime fighting sidekick Robin has announced that he will begin hormone therapy in hopes of one day becoming a woman.

“I want to be pretty, like Batgirl” he said.

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17 Jul 14

The Progressive Annotated Declaration of Independence (Part III)

The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

Part III of the Annotated Declaration of Independence is now submitted for your approval.  Not that I care about anyone’s approval.  If I did I might wear pants in public more often.

  • He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.  [1]
  • He has dissolved Representative Houses [2] repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness [3] his invasions on the rights of the people. [4]
  • He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected [5]; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without [6], and convulsions within. [7]
  • He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners [8]; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands. [9]
  • He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers. [10]
  • He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone [11], for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries. [12]
  • He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance. [13]

 

  1. And what’s wrong with this?  When conservatives block the will of a leader, a real leader will take emergency measures to enact the sensus fidei of the people.  Thank god a manly leader like Barack Obama is doing that now.  
  2. A representative house is only representative if it represents the rights of the educated elite.
  3. This line makes me blush like a school girl. Oh god I love our President and his manly firmness.  He is the model of all manhood. He makes me feel funny all over and not in a bad way like that time Vice President Biden blasted me with shotgun pellets.
  4. The rights of the people are limited in nature.  Once they impose upon the environment and threaten climate change it’s the job of the EPA to fine citizens into submission.  It’s in the Constitution or something.
  5. See notes 1, 2, 3 and 4.  What is the purpose of rushing into an election if the President’s will is blocked again?
  6. Invasion from without is DEFINITELY not what is happening on our southern border. Nothing to see here. Move along.
  7. Once all guns are confiscated there will be no more convulsions within.
  8. Excepting Hispanics who, being weak and helpless by nature, can be safely guaranteed to vote Democratic.
  9. The public cannot be trusted to preserve our natural resources.  They might build houses and ponds on them.  That is why the state must eventually own 100 percent of all property.
  10. The administration of justice is too important to be left in the hands of judges.  The President claims all rights in this field.
  11. As it should be.
  12. At a certain point you have to ask yourself if you’ve made enough money.
  13. Many conservatives object to the power of the bureaucratic branch of our government. How stupid can conservatives be?  We need to collect taxes and punish conservative dissent.  The IRS does this.  We need to preserve our natural resources and punish conservative dissent.  The EPA does this.  We need our borders (excepting the southern border and the weak and helpless Hispanics) secure and punish conservative dissent. The NSA does this.  Really conservatives get over yourselves.

(End of Part III)

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16 Jul 14

The Progressive Annotated Declaration of Independence (Part II)

The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

I now continue my progressive improvement of the Declaration of Independence (that hate-filled document of white patriarchy and heteronormatism.)

But when a long train [1] of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, [2] it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards [3] for their future security.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies [4]; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government.

The history of the present King of Great Britain [5] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny [6] over these States. 

To prove this, let Facts [7] be submitted to a candid world.

  • He has refused his Assent to Laws, [8] the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
  • He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, [9] unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them. [10]
  • He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, [11] unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. [12]

 

  1. Train.  Shouldn’t we all be taking public transportation? Or do you enjoy seeing polar bears drown?
  2. Jefferson here errors in not distinguishing between benevolent despotism and bad despotism.  Bad despotism being the rule of the white man as envisioned in the Constitution. Good despotism being the rule of one enlightened and progressive oligarchic figure such as President Obama.
  3. As long as the southern border stays open so more future Democratic voters can enter.
  4. Much like Puerto Rico is an oppressed colony of the United States, the colonies considered themselves oppressed by the King.  Why?  Because they were conservative gun nuts who wanted their taxes lowered. 
  5. Will and Kate are so sexy!  If only they were around then maybe we would not have felt the need to rebel. After all, it’s been proven that if you are sexy you are good.  The science is settled on this.
  6. See note 2.  Absolute tyranny?  MSNBC says that it works for China.  Why can’t it work here?  Perhaps Jefferson was obsessed with tyranny because he was concerned the King would free the slaves.
  7. Jefferson lived in a world without MSNBC and the mainstream media.  We progressives do not need facts.  In fact we laugh in the face of facts.  If it makes us feel good about ourselves, that is our “fact.”
  8. Today President Obama finds himself in a similar situation.  Imagine him as the King trying to circumvent the reactionary and racist colonies, or “congress” as we call it today. Progressives do not need the small and petty machinery of law.  Sometimes a progressive has to go outside the law to enforce the higher truth of the law.
  9. The governors of many states oppose President Obama’s will and believe in a so-called system of “federalism” where the States maintain their rights.  I ask you how can the progressive agenda be established under Federalism?  The answer is to forbid the governors of States from passing laws opposed to the will of the President.
  10. Oh come on.  Sometimes a man just has to fly to Florida to play a couple rounds of golf!
  11. What is this Republican preoccupation with the law?  It is the spirit of progressivism that gives life.  The letter of the law kills.  You Jesus-freak conservatives should recognize where that quote comes from.
  12. See notes 2 and 6.  Boy this Jefferson, what a character.  He really was a hate-filled right wing tea party sympathizer wasn’t he?  I bet he probably owned an assault rifle the jerk.

(End of Part II)

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15 Jul 14

The Annotated Declaration of Independence (Part I)

The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

Like most Americans I celebrated the Fourth of July by asking the government for more free stuff.  But between having my hand out and bemoaning my white privilege it did get me to thinking about Thomas Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence.  The document is over 100 years old and hasn’t aged well.  It suffers from white privilege and eurocentricism.

Given its many faults I thought I’d try my progressive hand at making this document more relevant for Americans today.  And so in the next couple of posts I will be annotating and improving the document for the modern reader.

When in the Course of hu[person] (1) events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, [probably because of racist Republicans,] (2) and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God (3) entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of [person]kind (4) requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths (5) to be self-evident, that all men, [women and transgendered] (6) are created equal, that they are endowed by [the spirit of the universe] (7) with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life [for those who have already been dewombed ](8), [Equality] (9) and the pursuit of Happiness [through sex with anyone they want].(10)

That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, [women and transgendered] (11), deriving their just powers from [the benevolence of the state.] (12)

That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness [and redistribution of wealth.] (13)

[Prudence,] (14) indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient (15) causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind(16) are more disposed to suffer, while [evils] (17) are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

  1. The original document says “human.”  I’m sure the patriarchal language embarrassed even Jefferson but he was constrained by right-wingers in the continental congress.
  2. Not in the original document.  I have added it because doing so makes me feel good about myself.
  3. There is no God, much less “natures’ God.”  Go hug a tree for Christ’s sake.
  4. The original document reads “opinions of mankind.” Again, I apologize for the patriarchal language.  It reeks of heteronormalcy.
  5. Truth?  Truth implies value judgments.  We in the 21st Century have moved beyond judgments.
  6. The phrase” women and transgendered” is not in the original document.  I blame 18th century hate.
  7. The original uses “Creator” instead of spirit of the universe.  I have made this change because “Creator” smacks of patriarchy.
  8. The Declaration only mentions the right to life, which is a hot-button issue and might lead to trigger warnings.  I have added the phrase “for those who have already been dewombed” for the purpose of clarity.
  9. The Declaration has “liberty” but liberty leads to income inequality. Equality much better exemplifies the inner spirit of the document.
  10. Sexual pleasure is not in the document.  I have added it because I am nonjudgmental. And I like it rough.
  11. See notes 1, 4, 6.
  12. The Declaration reads “consent of the governed.”  This is a racist phrase and denies the role of our elite in shaping climate change policy.
  13. The phrase “redistribution of wealth” is not in the original.  But how can people be happy with income inequality?
  14. Prudence should be eliminated since the Catholic church considers prudence to be one of the cardinal virtues.  And the church is mean.
  15. In the Declaration transient, unfortunately, does not refer to the plight of undocumented migrants on our southern border.  Thinking about the plight of undocumented migrants on our southern border makes me feel good about myself.
  16. See notes 1, 4, 6 and 11.
  17. Evil is an admittedly controversial phrase.  If Jefferson was referring to moral evil then the phrase must be struck.  Moral evil implies judgment.  The only evil that exists is income inequality.  And the patriarchy.  And penis in vagina sex. Now penis in vagina sex can be considered a moral evil.  But that is the only exception to the “no judgments” rule.

(End of Part I)

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14 Jul 14

So You Want to be President? A Guest Editorial by His Eminence Barack Obama, Established by the Will of a Socialist God Ruler of These United States

Being President is nice if only people would obey me more.

Being President is nice if only people would obey me more.

Occasionally here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™  I like to hand the pages of this blog over to guest commentators.  I do this for two reasons:

  1. As a member of the MSM I pride myself on carrying the Democratic party’s bath water bringing varying viewpoints to my readers.
  2. The drunk tank at the county lockup doesn’t have WiFi.

And so with that in mind I now present Ruler by Divine Right, his Eminence Barack Hussein Obama, Supreme Potentate of the United States.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.  You may kiss my ring now.

People often ask me, “Barry, do you enjoy being President of the United States?”  I won’t deny it has its moments. The perks are incredible.  Free room and board, free medical (fortunately I am exempt from the Affordable Care Act) and the opportunity to travel.  Why just yesterday I said to the Secret Service – those are my private security guards – “Hey, I want to get out of the White House and go to a Starbucks and talk to the people.”  So you know what they did?  They closed down traffic for ten blocks in either direction and diverted pedestrians.That way I could walk in peace and contemplate big things and not be bothered by any people before I got my latte and talked to the people.

Let me give you another example.  The other day I wanted to go see Spike Lee.  I was flown to New York in Air Force One.  I didn’t have to worry about getting a window seat since I was the only one on the plane.  Oh I forgot. Michelle was on the plane too but we don’t sit next to each other.  She tries to avoid me.  Perhaps she just can’t keep up with my intellect.  Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh yes.  Air Force One.  I didn’t even have to worry about paying more for my luggage. They even shut down traffic during rush hour just for me.  A lot of New Yorkers got angry and yelled obscenities. I let it roll off my back.  And I had them audited.

I was in Italy recently and I had the locals round up some interesting Italians.  We had a dinner that went on for hours as we talked and talked and talked.  It’s interesting being the President.  I’m an interesting, deep thinking man. And if an interesting deep thinking man can’t meet interesting deep thinking people then I don’t know what things are coming to.  In my business you meet so many interesting people.  But the most interesting ones are the interesting Italians.

I  like contemplating big things.  Being President sometimes gets in the way of this.

John Boehner is not interesting.  Politicians are not interesting people. One night I’m talking about life and art, big interesting things, and then I’m thrown back into the minuscule things of politics.  Politics?  What do I care about politics?  I find politics undignified and beneath me.

But back to the question.  Do I enjoy my job?  Except for the many perks the answer is no. I’m tired  It takes a lot of energy trying to impose my vision on America.  All I get is opposition from Republicans.  I mean, I’m a constitutional scholar.  I taught constitutional law.  I know how the system is supposed to work.  The ruler, in our country called the President, who happens to me, issues executive orders and the country obeys.

But no one obeys me! I’m used to Michelle and the kids not obeying me but that’s different.

I tell you I can’t wait leave this job.  If I had more time to read books and talk to interesting people I might run for a third term.  But not now.  

So back to the original point.  Would I recommend this job to anyone else? Not if they have an intellect. I suppose a politician might enjoy it.  But not me.  I’ll miss the perks though.

Manhattan Infidel I want to thank you again for giving me the opportunity to address your readers.

Presenting differing viewpoints is part of my job.  I just wish the drunk tank had a private bathroom.  I can’t urinate in front of strangers.

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11 Jul 14

Lucky the Leprechaun to be Deported!

There always after me f*cking lucky charms!

There always after me f*cking lucky charms!

Seeking to beat congressional Republicans at their own game, the Obama administration announced today the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms has been declared a “controlled substance” and that their mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, will be deported back to Ireland.

“Republicans are always saying ‘secure the border’ “ said the President at a campaign rally.

That’s all they care about.  Keeping immigrants out of this country.  This is a nation of undocumented workers.  So sue me for not enforcing the law.  To show the do-nothing Republicans to be careful what they wish for I have ordered the arrest of Lucky the Leprechaun.  I have also used my pen to declare Lucky Charms breakfast cereal a controlled substance.  Let’s see how the Republicans like that.  I know Boehner eats Lucky Charms every morning.  I know McConnell eats Lucky Charms every morning.  Well until they lay off and stop resisting me no Lucky Charms for them!

Reaction to the President was swift.

In a joint press conference Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell decried Obama’s actions.

“This president has never been serious about enforcing immigration law” said Boehner.

To selectively enforce immigration laws such as he has just done is sadly typical of this man’s presidency.  Lucky the Leprechaun’s visa has not expired and he is legally able to work as a mascot in this country.  Why is the president deporting him?  Is it because the Irish vote Republican?  And there is nothing in Lucky Charms cereal that would justify making it a controlled substance. Sure it has blue diamonds, green clovers, blue moons and orange and white stars.  And certainly Lucky Charms is delicious.  In fact I must have it every day.  But that doesn’t mean it is addictive or should be a controlled substance!

The Irish Embassy in Washington D.C. has registered an official complaint over the arrest of Lucky the Leprechaun.

Anne Anderson, the Irish Ambassador to the United States said that her country will work for his release.

Immigration is not just a Hispanic issue.  The Irish care very deeply about it. The United States has always stood for freedom and opportunity.  We ask President Obama to use his pen to enforce comprehensive immigration reform. 

The President for his part is sticking to his guns and is vowing to deport Lucky as soon as possible.

Lucky can stay in the country.  Lucky can make a living in this country.  If and only if Republicans work with me.  If not, hey, he’s going to be deported.

Meanwhile Lucky the Leprechaun was arrested and strip searched by agents from Homeland Security.  During the search his personal affects were confiscated.

“There always after me Lucky Charms” said a despondent Lucky.

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10 Jul 14

Zombie Apocalypse Won’t Deter Marathon Organizers

Zombies better not f*ck with my training schedule.

Zombies better not f*ck with my training schedule.

With the New York City marathon five months away, organizers vow to carry on as normal despite the recent zombie apocalypse.

“A lot of our runners have expressed concerns” said Road Runner president Mary Wittenberg.

With the rise of the zombies there have been certain unfortunate incidents, such as when the winner of the Chicago marathon was bitten during the race and “turned.” It certainly was embarrassing for race organizers when he attacked and ate the person who was handing him the winner’s trophy.  We have hired extra security along the race course to ensure none of the runners get bitten. Of course the situation is fluid. There are more zombies now than ever before.  If by the time the marathon is run the security we’ve hired has turned into zombies we might regrettably cancel the race.  

Since the outbreak of the zombie apocalypse many facets of life that would ordinarily be taken for granted have fallen by the wayside:  sanitation pick up, commuting, even eating every day. But the one thing that has gone on is marathons.

“We don’t know why exactly” said president Obama’s anti-zombie czar.

Some think it’s because zombies are slow and uncoordinated. In fact they are natural baseball players.  That is why there is no more professional baseball. All the players have been eaten. Joggers on the other hand are just too athletic to be caught by zombies.  That’s one theory.  I personally believe that zombies don’t like jogger flesh.  Too wiry.  Not enough meat on the bones. And if perchance a zombie does try to attack a jogger, well, joggers are usually sweating so much the zombie can’t get a good grip and the jogger slips out of their hands.

Organizers of the New York City marathon are planning on coordinating with Homeland Security to set up checkpoints along the course.  Anyone wanting to watch the marathon will be asked if they are a zombie.  If they answer yes they will be asked to move along.

“They will be under oath so if they are zombies they better answer truthfully” said Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson.

If the zombies lie, if the zombies are not zombies of their word, they will be fined. Because if it’s one thing President Obama does not tolerate it’s lying.  Yes, my first name is Jeh.  What of it?

Homeland Security will also be using drones to protect joggers along the course.

Zombies being dead have no heat signature so we’ve programmed the drones to seek out cold lifeless objects.  We’ve done some testing and so far the only thing they’ve blown up are actors.  We’ll continue fine tuning the drones so that by the time the marathon is run the drones will be ready.  President Obama keeps a “zombie” deck of cards and when a zombie is killed he checks off the card.

If the Homeland Security drones are not ready by the marathon, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr, better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio, plans on banning zombies within city limits.

“There are two things I hate” said the socialist mayor.  “Horse-drawn carriages and Zombies. By outlawing the zombies we eliminate the threat.  It’s called the rule of law.”

Phone calls to local zombies seeking comments have not been returned.

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9 Jul 14

R2-D2 Upgraded

Now with WiFi!

Now with WiFi!

Astromech droid R2-D2 has been upgraded.  Owners Bob and Shirley Davidson of Eureka, California hope that the new features will make him a more valuable “thermocapsulary dehousing assister.”

“We bought him at a garage sale” said Mr. Davidson.

I thought maybe we could use him a a paperweight or a floor polisher.  I even tried attaching a buffering unit to one of its feet. It was then that I found out that he, it, was sentient.  He made these weird beep beep noises and kept running away from me.  Like what the f*ck I said.  So he was pretty much useless after that.  He did have one nice feature.  He could display videos.  But he didn’t come with an internet connection and it had no USB drives to attach a thumb drive to.  No USB?  Makes it kind of useless.

Frustrated but not wanting to lose his investment Davidson took his droid to a computer repair shop.

The first one I brought him to was an Apple store.  But they wouldn’t service the droid.  The architecture was incompatible they said.  Whatever. So I took it to another shop.  They wanted to install Windows 8.  I said, “Guys, I want this droid to be useful.” So they gave it Windows 7, which is okay I guess.  I would have preferred XP but that’s no longer supported.

After the droid was upgraded Davidson signed a two-year contract to service the droid and brought it home.

They gave me an owner’s manual for the thing.  They even put in a few USBs. But what I’m really excited about is the internet access.  I mean this thing can project hi-def images.  And now that it’s got Wi-Fi I can view some really hot porn.  When my wife is away of course.  I just have to figure out how to delete the cache on this thing so my wife won’t see what I’m viewing.  I called the 800 number the other day. They helped me but it is embarrassing to have to explain that I don’t want my wife knowing I was viewing so much lesbian porn.

In addition to Wi-Fi capability the new upgraded R2-D2 can download and install mobile apps.

It’s great.  I can view traffic on him to see if I need to take an alternate route.  I have Netflix on him now.  I’m catching up on Game of Thrones.  The droid’s into the show as well.  I just wish he wouldn’t keep beeping when he gets excited.

Despite Davidson’s overall happiness with his retooled droid he admits he will probably trade it in.

He’s bulky and difficult to carry around.  I can’t find a cover for him and occasionally he blue screens on me.  I have my eye on one of those new iPad Airs.  Do you know if they come with WiFi?

The iPad Air starts at $499 for WiFi models and $699 for models with cellular.  And it’s not as bulky as R2-D2.

(1873)

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8 Jul 14

NFL Team Names Are Racist or Something!

The Washington blood thirsty savages!

The Washington blood thirsty savages!

In the weeks since the Washington Redskins were denied a trademark for their name many commentators have spoken for and against the ruling.  Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we applaud the ruling.  I have many native American friends (respectable peaceful ones, not the ones that go on the warpath and scalp the white man.)

Denying the Washington Native Americans a trademark is only the beginning.  We feel that many other NFL teams should not only be denied a trademark but should be forced to change their names.

(Trigger warning:  Offensive terms will be used in the following paragraphs.  Do not read on if you are easily offended.)

The New York Giants

Giants is an offensive term to little people.  Manhattan Infidel has many friends who are little people.  I admire their pluck.  I admire how many of them watch the New York Giants.  How they must silently suffer to have their condition thrown in their face.  Yes I admire little people. Though I find them physically disgusting.  Don’t even get me started on midget sex.  The freaks. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that the Giants must change their name to something less offensive to the majority.  I suggest “The New York Pride.”  The Giants can make up for decades of offending little people by aligning themselves with the gay pride movement.  (Just don’t let the horny midget bastards into your locker room.)

The New England Patriots

I can’t begin to describe how offensive this name is. Patriots implies pride in America. And how can anyone have pride in America?  A country that denies little people their rightful place in society (as long as it’s not in my shower.)  I suggest “The New England Ashamed of America.”  Such a name would go a long way towards healing our country of the divisions caused by racism and those who believe in limited government.

The Cleveland Browns

At first glance this name doesn’t appear to be offensive.  But think about it.  Cleveland Browns. This name disgusts all those like myself who live on the east coast and pride themselves on being part of the elite. I suggest changing the name to “The Akron Browns.”

The Pittsburgh Steelers

What kind of offensive right-wing value judgement is this name? How about “The Pittsburgh Redistributors”?  Redistributing is much better and compassionate.  What?  Steel?  Not steal? What’s your problem?  Are you a midget?  Don’t you dare set foot in my shower!

The Dallas Cowboys

This name is so offensive on many levels.  It’s gender specific and exclusionary.  Cowboys are genocidal and killed millions of native Americans (the peaceful ones, not the blood thirsty scalping tribes).  I suggest either “The Dallas Cowpeoples” or “The Dallas Gay Marriages.” Either name will be acceptable to those of us in the east coast elite.

The Minnesota Vikings

Viking were tall, fair haired men of northern European origin.  Obviously they were racist.  I suggest changing the name to “The Minnesota Mexicans.”  Mexicans are swarthy.  And short. Though not as short as midgets.

The Philadelphia Eagles

Don Henley is an asshole.  And he slept with Stevie Nicks.  I suggest changing their name to “The Philadelphia Styx.”  Dōmo arigatō misutā Robotto!

The Green Bay Packers

The name isn’t gay enough and doesn’t reflect the advances made in gay rights.  I suggest changing the name to “The Green Bay Fudgepackers.”  By doing this Green Bay will send a signal to the NFL that is glories in gay sex.  Just not with midgets.

This just the first step.  Much more must be done to make the NFL less offensive.  Winning and losing are patriarchal concepts and must go. Also, how about some transsexual cheerleaders?

(713)

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