Zombies better not f*ck with my training schedule.

With the New York City marathon five months away, organizers vow to carry on as normal despite the recent zombie apocalypse.

“A lot of our runners have expressed concerns” said Road Runner president Mary Wittenberg.

With the rise of the zombies there have been certain unfortunate incidents, such as when the winner of the Chicago marathon was bitten during the race and “turned.” It certainly was embarrassing for race organizers when he attacked and ate the person who was handing him the winner’s trophy.  We have hired extra security along the race course to ensure none of the runners get bitten. Of course the situation is fluid. There are more zombies now than ever before.  If by the time the marathon is run the security we’ve hired has turned into zombies we might regrettably cancel the race.  

Since the outbreak of the zombie apocalypse many facets of life that would ordinarily be taken for granted have fallen by the wayside:  sanitation pick up, commuting, even eating every day. But the one thing that has gone on is marathons.

“We don’t know why exactly” said president Obama’s anti-zombie czar.

Some think it’s because zombies are slow and uncoordinated. In fact they are natural baseball players.  That is why there is no more professional baseball. All the players have been eaten. Joggers on the other hand are just too athletic to be caught by zombies.  That’s one theory.  I personally believe that zombies don’t like jogger flesh.  Too wiry.  Not enough meat on the bones. And if perchance a zombie does try to attack a jogger, well, joggers are usually sweating so much the zombie can’t get a good grip and the jogger slips out of their hands.

Organizers of the New York City marathon are planning on coordinating with Homeland Security to set up checkpoints along the course.  Anyone wanting to watch the marathon will be asked if they are a zombie.  If they answer yes they will be asked to move along.

“They will be under oath so if they are zombies they better answer truthfully” said Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson.

If the zombies lie, if the zombies are not zombies of their word, they will be fined. Because if it’s one thing President Obama does not tolerate it’s lying.  Yes, my first name is Jeh.  What of it?

Homeland Security will also be using drones to protect joggers along the course.

Zombies being dead have no heat signature so we’ve programmed the drones to seek out cold lifeless objects.  We’ve done some testing and so far the only thing they’ve blown up are actors.  We’ll continue fine tuning the drones so that by the time the marathon is run the drones will be ready.  President Obama keeps a “zombie” deck of cards and when a zombie is killed he checks off the card.

If the Homeland Security drones are not ready by the marathon, Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr, better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio, plans on banning zombies within city limits.

“There are two things I hate” said the socialist mayor.  “Horse-drawn carriages and Zombies. By outlawing the zombies we eliminate the threat.  It’s called the rule of law.”

Phone calls to local zombies seeking comments have not been returned.

(606)