The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

And now for Part VII of my series on the new and improved annotated Declaration of Independence.  I vow to continue with this series until I am stopped by my political enemies.  Or until the police arrest me for once again standing by the window with no pants on.  Come to think of it, the latter sounds more likely.

We have appealed to their native [1] justice and magnanimity, [2] and we have conjured [3] them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections [4] and correspondence. [5]

They too have been deaf [6] to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. [7] We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, [8] and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, [9] Enemies in War, in Peace Friends. [10]

1. Does Jefferson mean “native American”?  I don’t think so.  He was referring to the English. So why is he using this word?  What are the British natives of?  Certainly not Britainland, which originally belonged to the remnant of humanity that survived the Cylon wars.
2. Hot, liquid magnanimity.  Once magnanimity reaches the surface it becomes lava.  I saw it on the Discovery channel.
3. It’s good to know that Jefferson wasn’t biased against Wiccans.  This made him different than your typical white man who fears what he does not understand.  Much like I fear math.
4. Why do you wish to cancel your service with Comcast?  Why wouldn’t you want the highest internet speed ever?  I don’t  know what type of internet service Jefferson used but I bet it wasn’t as fast as Comcast.
5. By correspondence I think Jefferson means text messages.  Or Facebook.  Possibly Skype. But not MySpace.
6. The modern Democratic party is not deaf to the cries of the deaf.  We are very pro-deaf. The Republicans have a war on the deaf.  The pro-hearing bastards.
7. This is a big and obscure word.  I think it means “having two testicles.”  Jefferson had two testicles and often rested them on the face of his slaves.  Teabagging bastard.
8. Marriage is not an important institution.  Except when we are referring to gay marriage. That is sacred.
9. Woman and transgendered kind must be included.  To not do so would be in keeping with the Republican war on woman and transgendered. I dated a transgender woman once but we had to break up after I found out that her penis was larger than mine.
10. Ross and Rachel were meant to be together.  Didn’t you cry during the last episode when they got back together?

(End of Part VII)

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The Declaration of Independence suffers from White Privilege

And so dear readers let us continue with our improvement of the Declaration of Independence. (Declaration and Constitution not valid in continental United States.)

• He has constrained our fellow Citizens [1] taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms [2] against their Country, to become the executioners  [3] of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands. [4]
• He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, [5] and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, [6] the merciless Indian Savages, [7] whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions. [8]

In every stage of these Oppressions [9] We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions [10] have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince [11] whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people. [12]

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. [13]  We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. [14]

We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. [15]

1. What is a fellow citizen?  Aren’t we all citizens of the world?  What are borders?  What is the American border but an excuse for America to revel in their natural racism and hatred of the peoples of color.
2. The right to bear arms shall not be infringed.  Unless we are talking about nasty, gross “assault” weapons.
3. The death penalty is racist.  Which is why Americans love it so much.  They want to see the man of color fry.  Literally.  Haven’t you ever seen The Green Mile?  It’s been proven black men burn more than white men. The science is settled.
4. Assisted suicide is a good thing.  And once the Affordable Care Act takes effect (damn those nasty Republicans!) the government death panels will be more than happy to help you with this.
5. Damn teabaggers. How much longer must we suffer them?  Can’t we just pass a law arresting them?
6. The author here is probably referring to Hispanics who as Democratic voters have a right to live in America.
7. We apologize for this racist phrase and all future editions of the Declaration of Independence Equality will use the approved phrase “Native Americans.”
8. Whitey!
9. Speaking of oppression the Republicans have a war on women and want them to pay for their own birth control.
10. Hopefully done online so as not to consume paper which kills trees which leads to climate change.
11. And honey, I say Little Red Corvette/Baby, you’re much too fast (Oh)/Little Red Corvette/You need a love that’s gonna last/I guess I should’ve closed my eyes/When you drove me to the place where your horses run free/’cause I felt a little ill when I saw all the pictures/of the jockeys that were there before me.
12. What is freedom?  Isn’t freedom the freedom to live as the government tells you to?
13. The British!  Typical white people!
14. Unwarrantable jurisdiction?  What is it with conservatives and their fear of the benevolence of the Federal government?
15. Usually on top of boxcars until we had to swim across the Rio Grande.  We have to make sacrifices so the man from the Federal government will sign us up to vote Democratic.

(End of Part VI)

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Low flush toilets, 25 watt bulbs and an array of wind farms are just some of the new features

The Death Star, the ultimate weapon of the Galactic Empire, will be retrofitted with green technology, making it cheaper, more efficient and friendly.

“It is our deepest hope that the Death Star will become a place we can be proud of” said Emperor Palpatine.

Galactic Domination isn’t cheap. I have heard the criticism of the Jedi opposition. They claim that the Death Star exists only to destroy planets and kill off the remaining Jedi. All this is true of course.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t put a friendly face on it.  That doesn’t mean a profit cannot be turned.

Accordingly effective immediately the Death Star will be officially renamed “Star Light.”

The former Death Star will also open itself up to vacationers.  Those wishing to visit the new Star Light can choose a day excursion, week-long stays or even extended “Premium” visits where they will get a chance to interact with Galactic personnel and even operate the Star.

I am proud to announce that in conjunction with our corporate sponsors, Motel 6, Star Light will be able to accommodate up to 200 guests.  The Star will be pet friendly and any Galactic Empire citizen who wishes to bring along a pet will be welcome.  Twenty percent of the proceeds from paying guests will go towards building wind farms on Tatooine.

The electrical system on board the Star will be retrofitted to allow new high energy, long lasting compact florescent (CFL) light bulbs. Toilets will also be replaced with low flush systems, saving water and energy aboard the Star.  Solar panels and wind farms will be placed along the Star to harvest the solar wind.

“I’m a big believer in wind technology and wind farms” said emperor Palpatine.

It is estimated that this will save the empire billions during the life of the Star.

However not everyone is happy with the changes.

Grand Moff Tarkin (pictured here),

Give me a plunger or something!

commander of Star Light expressed his displeasure in no uncertain terms.

What was wrong with calling it a Death Star?  That’s its purpose.  It was a good, masculine name.  Star Light? Do they want me to wear a pink uniform as well? And the CFL bulbs have to go.  Give me back the old incandescent ones.  They were much brighter and didn’t kill me with mercury every time they f*cking broke, which is often.  They’re so dark.  I can’t even see the command console.  Last week I destroyed Alderaan by mistake.  If I had some goddamn light in the command center I could see what buttons I was pushing. And do not get me started on these low-flush toilets.  Are they kidding me? I’m the commander of the Death – I’m the commander of Star Light.  How am I supposed to maintain an aura of command if I have to have a plumber come to my quarters every day to fix the toilet.  At least give me a plunger.  And no I’m not changing my goddamn diet. And now I have to babysit tourists and let them see the command center? I didn’t come up through the ranks of the empire just so I can let some fat kid press a button.

Despite Grand Moff Tarkin’s objections the first tourist family, the Brophys of Waukeegan, Illinois are set to arrive at Star Light by the end of the month.

“I so excited” said Jack Brophy.  “I can’t wait to see the command center. I hope they let me push a button.”

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The Russian…er, sorry, that went down the wrong pipe.

A plane is shot down by the Russians.  Israel begins an invasion of the Gaza Strip.  Central Americans by the tens of thousands cross the southern border every day.  What do all these disasters have in common?  The bear is loose!  President Obama will reassure panicked Americans that he is firmly in charge by going to a diner and eating.

Many people find themselves asking what does the President eat and for which world crisis? Using my renowned and justifiably famous reporting skills I have devised the following handy template that will enable my readers to eat at home along with the President.  Unite your economic sufferings with the leader of the free world!

Southern border instability

In the event of border instability and/or a humanitarian crisis along the border with Mexico President Obama will enter the nearest diner and order the no. “3” breakfast special, otherwise know as eggs Benedict.

Note:  Southern border instability can also be subdivided into several different issues requiring several different additional meals.  To wit:

• Excursions by drug cartels.

If drug gangs come into Texas and murder a few ranchers President Obama will eat a foot-long sub, a large soft drink and two large orders of fries.  While President Obama doesn’t technically consider this a crisis he will eat with the people to show that he understands the needs of ordinary Americans fighting tea bagger violence.

I like to eat with the people. Mm. This is delicious. Don’t worry people I’m on top of things

• Tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors

In the highly unlikely event that the southern border is flooded with tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors, President Obama will, after eating eggs Benedict, a foot long sub, large soft drink and two large orders of fries, hoist a few beers to celebrate the success of the Affordable Care Act.  And also to celebrate thousands of future Democratic voters.

Let’s hear it for future Democratic voters!

•  Michelle Obama

In Secret Service circles, the First Lady’s code name is “The Southern border” which no doubt probably refers to her huge ass.  If Michelle approaches the President, he will start licking an ice cream cone as if to say, “Look at this tongue. Yeah, I’m not using it on you.”  

Yeah, you want some of this Michelle? Well you can’t have it.

The Russians shooting down an airliner

The world is a dangerous place. If a commercial airliner is shot down by the Russians (which might have happened during the Bush years but highly unlikely after the successful “reset” of relations between our two nations), President Obama will eat eight burgers.  One for each state in the Union.

I love the US and all eight states.

An Israeli invasion of the Gaza Strip

Should the peaceful Palestinians of the Gaza Strip find themselves the object of a full land, air and sea invasion by the state of Israel, President Obama will eat fried chicken with a side of ham.  Fried chicken because it’s delicious and ham to remind the world how evil Jews are.

This picture is racist

A zombie apocalypse

If our world should be overrun by zombies, President Obama plans to calmly sit down to dinner and eat whatever the hell he wants. Though supplies may be low so he might have to settle with eating dog again.  This will help calm America in the jittery first days of the apocalypse.

Screw the zombies. I’m eating dog.

Well there you have it readers.  The complete guide to eating along with the President. Enjoy!

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