Untaxed enjoyment is not really enjoyment

As part of the NYPD’s new “Totally not stop and frisk” policy the NYPD killed a man for selling untaxed cigarettes.

“Police on the ground had received word that a man was selling untaxed cigarettes” said NYPD commissioner William Bratton.

The NYPD’s first job is to enforce the law.  And to repeat, these cigarettes were being sold without authorization from the state.  That is to say, they were illegal. The government derived no income from the sale. And any sale of any object that the government doesn’t get a piece of, well, let’s just say that you have a nice life there. Shame if something were to happen to it, capish?

As the suspect, dubbed “The destroyer of tax revenue” was spotted police moved in.

Stop that man before he takes revenue from the state!

Said an officer at the scene:

Our concern was that the suspect would get away.  Well, no that wasn’t our concern really.  He was large and slow so he couldn’t get away.  Our concern was that he would continue to sell untaxed cigarettes.  We had no choice.  Keep your taxpayers close and those who don’t pay taxes closer.

Seeing that the suspect would not yield his untaxed cigarettes, officers moved in.

Either you will give us money or your brains will be on those untaxed cigarettes

“We were going to make him an offer he couldn’t refuse” said one.

Either he was going to consent to give part of his profit to the State for protection or his brains would be all over his untaxed cigarettes.

As the untaxer was pulled down to the ground he was heard to cry, “I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.”

You can’t breathe? Well kick back part of your profit to the state and you’ll feel less pressure

Yeah, we heard him whining but you never know with these untaxers.  Once someone consents in their will to not give money to the state he has entered a state of nature.  As such he was probably lying.

The untaxer then became limp and stopped breathing.

Naturally our first thought was “What is this untaxer doing?  Is he trying to embarrass us?” You just can’t trust anyone who would hide their revenue from the State. I kick back 30 percent of my salary to the state for legal protection and political influence.  It’s only fair.  But these untaxers?  They deserve to die.  Radical scumbags who would destroy the bonds of civilization.

One less untaxer to deal with. Now lets go get donuts.

NYPD medical personnel were brought in to see if the untaxer was faking it.

“We felt for a pulse and found none” said an EMT.

Yeah, technically we probably could have done more but I pay my tribute to the State.  Twenty five percent of my salary gets kicked back.  In return the State promises not to break my legs when I hold a garage sale.  See, all very moral.

Once the untaxer was declared dead it was first decided to bury his body in the potter’s field on Hart’s Island.

But that would be too good for an untaxer.  So we just dumped his body in the harbor.  Let him sleep with the fishes.

Commissioner Bratton praised the actions of the officers.

“Let us remember that untaxed pleasure is an invalid pleasure.  It is illegal and immoral” said Bratton.

This is what happens when you don’t pay tribute to the State:

Death to the untaxer!

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