Galactic Empire Institutes Measures to Make Death Star Cost Efficient

Low flush toilets, 25 watt bulbs and an array of wind farms are just some of the new features

Low flush toilets, 25 watt bulbs and an array of wind farms are just some of the new features

The Death Star, the ultimate weapon of the Galactic Empire, will be retrofitted with green technology, making it cheaper, more efficient and friendly.

“It is our deepest hope that the Death Star will become a place we can be proud of” said Emperor Palpatine.

Galactic Domination isn’t cheap. I have heard the criticism of the Jedi opposition. They claim that the Death Star exists only to destroy planets and kill off the remaining Jedi. All this is true of course.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t put a friendly face on it.  That doesn’t mean a profit cannot be turned.

Accordingly effective immediately the Death Star will be officially renamed “Star Light.”

The former Death Star will also open itself up to vacationers.  Those wishing to visit the new Star Light can choose a day excursion, week-long stays or even extended “Premium” visits where they will get a chance to interact with Galactic personnel and even operate the Star.

I am proud to announce that in conjunction with our corporate sponsors, Motel 6, Star Light will be able to accommodate up to 200 guests.  The Star will be pet friendly and any Galactic Empire citizen who wishes to bring along a pet will be welcome.  Twenty percent of the proceeds from paying guests will go towards building wind farms on Tatooine.

The electrical system on board the Star will be retrofitted to allow new high energy, long lasting compact florescent (CFL) light bulbs. Toilets will also be replaced with low flush systems, saving water and energy aboard the Star.  Solar panels and wind farms will be placed along the Star to harvest the solar wind.

“I’m a big believer in wind technology and wind farms” said emperor Palpatine.

It is estimated that this will save the empire billions during the life of the Star.

However not everyone is happy with the changes.

Grand Moff Tarkin (pictured here),

Give me a plunger or something!

Give me a plunger or something!

commander of Star Light expressed his displeasure in no uncertain terms.

What was wrong with calling it a Death Star?  That’s its purpose.  It was a good, masculine name.  Star Light? Do they want me to wear a pink uniform as well? And the CFL bulbs have to go.  Give me back the old incandescent ones.  They were much brighter and didn’t kill me with mercury every time they f*cking broke, which is often.  They’re so dark.  I can’t even see the command console.  Last week I destroyed Alderaan by mistake.  If I had some goddamn light in the command center I could see what buttons I was pushing. And do not get me started on these low-flush toilets.  Are they kidding me? I’m the commander of the Death – I’m the commander of Star Light.  How am I supposed to maintain an aura of command if I have to have a plumber come to my quarters every day to fix the toilet.  At least give me a plunger.  And no I’m not changing my goddamn diet. And now I have to babysit tourists and let them see the command center? I didn’t come up through the ranks of the empire just so I can let some fat kid press a button.

Despite Grand Moff Tarkin’s objections the first tourist family, the Brophys of Waukeegan, Illinois are set to arrive at Star Light by the end of the month.

“I so excited” said Jack Brophy.  “I can’t wait to see the command center. I hope they let me push a button.”


3 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    I’d prefer to watch “Gravity” in Spanish with no subtitles rather than visit your stupid sissified Death-Light star.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Just for that Grand Moff Tarkin will not let you push any buttons in the command center!

  2. Death Star: Bad! Star Light: Good! Isn;t wordsmithing great?

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