Donner Party Amusement Park Ride Proves Unpopular

Next time I'm sticking to the rollercoaster!

Next time I’m sticking to the roller coaster!

Six Flags has announced that it is shutting down the controversial Donner Party ride.

“We had high hopes” said a source at Six Flags who wishes to remain anonymous.

It had everything.  Adventures.  Thrills. American history.  Salt.  I just wish the public had given it more of a chance.

The Donner Party Adventure Ride seemed doomed from the start.  Originally planned as a ride that would teach kids about a legendary event in American history the ride became a lightning rod for complaints.

“This was my first trip to a Six Flags park” said a dissatisfied customer.

I was very excited to try some of their rides, particularly the roller coasters. So I get to the park and they are heavily promoting this new Donner Party Pass ride.  I figured it had something to do with mountains.  So I got on the ride.  They put me in this fake covered wagon and the ride starts going uphill. So far so good I said, even though it was a bit too slow for my taste.  Then the ride stops!  I thought there was a malfunction but someone said it was part of the ride.  Then snow started to fall.  I was wet and cold.  And we just stayed there.  The covered wagon would not move. Then someone sprayed salt all over my leg and tried to eat it.  I screamed and said, “What the hell are you doing?”  Turns out that is the major feature of the Donner Party ride.  You get cannibalized.  Educational Six Flags said.  Well screw that I said. I’m never going back to Six Flags again.  And if I do I’m sticking to the roller coasters.

Other customers echoed the same complaint.

“I lost my fiance” said one.

I thought it would be like a tunnel of love thing.  So I take my honey on the ride. Covered wagon.  Fine.  I start making out with her and the wagon stops.  Then we are both showered in salt and everyone tries to eat us.  What the hell?  If I wanted cannibalism I’d move to Detroit.  I started to escape but my girl was separated from me.  The last thing I saw was her screaming “They’re eating me!  And not in a good way either!”  I never saw her again.  I was so distraught I had to console myself by riding on some roller coasters.

One mother recalls how her child was mutilated.

They chewed his leg and half his face off.  I don’t care if the ride was supposed to be educational.  Everytime I look at his face, well, half of his face I say to myself “I should have stayed with the roller coasters.”

Six Flags for its part takes full responsibility for the unpopularity of the ride.

“We regret that the Donner Party Ride wasn’t as popular as we had hoped” read the statement.

Our intentions were good and motivated by the desire to educate and entertain Americans.  In our enthusiasm for the project we perhaps overlooked a few things.

Six Flags will be shutting down the ride and retooling it.  They expect to have the new and improved Donner Party ride up and running by September.

“The new one will be similar but we will be adding a roller coaster to it.”


One Response

  1. petermc3 says:

    Yeah dey be eatin’ some peeps but dez awl white folks and das racist yo. But OK caws wit an empty coke can youze be getting $10 off the $100 admission you be payin wich youze SNAP or WIC card yo. Six flags still be def or fly or kool or whatever. Just don’t be eaten no folks of color yo.

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