The Russian…er, sorry, that went down the wrong pipe.

A plane is shot down by the Russians.  Israel begins an invasion of the Gaza Strip.  Central Americans by the tens of thousands cross the southern border every day.  What do all these disasters have in common?  The bear is loose!  President Obama will reassure panicked Americans that he is firmly in charge by going to a diner and eating.

Many people find themselves asking what does the President eat and for which world crisis? Using my renowned and justifiably famous reporting skills I have devised the following handy template that will enable my readers to eat at home along with the President.  Unite your economic sufferings with the leader of the free world!

Southern border instability

In the event of border instability and/or a humanitarian crisis along the border with Mexico President Obama will enter the nearest diner and order the no. “3” breakfast special, otherwise know as eggs Benedict.

Note:  Southern border instability can also be subdivided into several different issues requiring several different additional meals.  To wit:

• Excursions by drug cartels.

If drug gangs come into Texas and murder a few ranchers President Obama will eat a foot-long sub, a large soft drink and two large orders of fries.  While President Obama doesn’t technically consider this a crisis he will eat with the people to show that he understands the needs of ordinary Americans fighting tea bagger violence.

I like to eat with the people. Mm. This is delicious. Don’t worry people I’m on top of things

• Tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors

In the highly unlikely event that the southern border is flooded with tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors, President Obama will, after eating eggs Benedict, a foot long sub, large soft drink and two large orders of fries, hoist a few beers to celebrate the success of the Affordable Care Act.  And also to celebrate thousands of future Democratic voters.

Let’s hear it for future Democratic voters!

•  Michelle Obama

In Secret Service circles, the First Lady’s code name is “The Southern border” which no doubt probably refers to her huge ass.  If Michelle approaches the President, he will start licking an ice cream cone as if to say, “Look at this tongue. Yeah, I’m not using it on you.”  

Yeah, you want some of this Michelle? Well you can’t have it.

The Russians shooting down an airliner

The world is a dangerous place. If a commercial airliner is shot down by the Russians (which might have happened during the Bush years but highly unlikely after the successful “reset” of relations between our two nations), President Obama will eat eight burgers.  One for each state in the Union.

I love the US and all eight states.

An Israeli invasion of the Gaza Strip

Should the peaceful Palestinians of the Gaza Strip find themselves the object of a full land, air and sea invasion by the state of Israel, President Obama will eat fried chicken with a side of ham.  Fried chicken because it’s delicious and ham to remind the world how evil Jews are.

This picture is racist

A zombie apocalypse

If our world should be overrun by zombies, President Obama plans to calmly sit down to dinner and eat whatever the hell he wants. Though supplies may be low so he might have to settle with eating dog again.  This will help calm America in the jittery first days of the apocalypse.

Screw the zombies. I’m eating dog.

Well there you have it readers.  The complete guide to eating along with the President. Enjoy!

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