All your water are belong to us!

As is often the case here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel, disturbing stuff gets deposited on my desk (and not just last night’s 3 am taco.  With bacon.)  In this case it is a letter that the Environmental Protection Agency will be sending out to all Americans.

Dear _________:

It has come to the attention of the EPA that it occasionally rains on your property.  It has also come to our attention that when it does rain puddles are left on your lawn.

These puddles then disappear over time.  We have photographic evidence of this.

Why is this?

Why has this puddle of pure water been allowed to disappear from your property?

Do not use the phony excuse of so-called “evaporation.”  This is anti-science.  There can only be one reason you have shirked your respectability to protect the environment:  You are a racist who hates President Obama.

Now as an American citizen We at the Environmental Protection Agency are sure that you are aware of your responsibility to protect the environment.  The United States, thanks to the regulatory and police powers of the Environmental Protection Agency has an environmental record second to none.

We cannot allow anti-science, backward-thinking racists such as yourself to destroy our record.

Accordingly, we will be garnishing your wages and fining you $75,000 per day until this pristine puddle is restored to your yard.

As you are aware, we have the legal right to do this.  Before the July 4th holiday we placed in the Federal register a law authorizing us to do this. Under this new law we can collect delinquent non-tax debts owed to the United States without first obtaining a court order.  

Before you complain to your congressman please be aware that this is America and We at the Environmental Protection Agency wish to protect your rights as well. 

You have the right to review, contest or enter into a repayment agreement.  Please be advised however that we will decide when and where the hearing will be held and that you will be responsible for all travel expenses.  

We do this not because we wish to fatigue you into compliance with our measures. 

We do this because the budget of the EPA has been reduced by the anti-environmental extremists in the Republican Party.

In the future if you wish to avoid a fine from our organization we suggest you invest in a series of pipes and filters that will recirculate rainwater on your property, ensuring that it never evaporates.

You may call one of our sales reps at 1-800-rainwater for more information.

Please send us $75,000.

Thank you.

The Environmental Protection Agency

Giving the EPA the right to fine us and garnish our wages without a court order? What could possibly go wrong?  And to the residents of the apartment on the floor below me I once again apologize for leaning out my window at 4 am and vomiting on your laundry line.

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