Actual photo of the assassination!

The scandal surrounding the assassination of Staten Island Chuck by hulking socialist freak Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) continues to rock the very foundations of our Republic.

Here are the facts:

1. On February 2nd, Groundhog Day, as is tradition, the hulking socialist freak Warren Wilhelm Jr. went to the Staten Island Zoo for Groundhog Day festivities.
2. Hulking socialist freak, Mayor Willhelm Jr. dropped Staten Island Chuck.
3. One week later Staten Island Chuck died of “internal injuries consistent with a fall from a great height.”

At least those are the “facts” as reported.  But there is more, there must be more, to this tragic story.

1. Why was the death of Staten Island Chuck covered up for seven months?
2. Why are there no autopsy photos of Staten Island Chuck?
3. Was there a “second dropper.“

Fortunately for posterity the assassination was filmed by an amateur at the scene.  What you are about to see is shocking and I urge those with weak constitutions not to watch this clip:

The Zapruder film of GroundHog Gate

Careful and repeated viewings tell a different story than the official one.

Four seconds into the film a man wearing a fedora is briefly seen behind the hulking socialist freak, Mayor Wilhelm Jr.  Perhaps this is the second dropper?

As is seen Staten Island Chuck’s head moves back and to the left. No matter how many times you watch his head always moves back and to the left. This is where the mysterious man in the fedora is standing. (The so-called “second dropper.“)

While the audio in the clip is murky, after putting it through audio scrubbers at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, hulking socialist freak Wilhelm Jr. can be heard saying to someone (presumably the man in the fedora), “Help me drop this mother!”

But why would the hulking socialist freak, Mayor Wilhelm Jr. wish to assassinate Staten Island Chuck?

Was Staten Island Chuck a threat to the hulking socialist freak and the socialist worker’s paradise that he hoped to set up in New York City?

Perhaps Staten Island Chuck favored normalization of relations with Perth Amboy, New Jersey?

Perhaps Staten Island Chuck had ties to the carriage industry in New York (an industry that hulking socialist freak Wilhelm Jr. famously vowed to crush.)

Wilhelm Jr. is married to a black lesbian. One would think that the hulking socialist freak would be sympathetic to Staten Island Chuck, especially since Chuck was actually a “Chuckette” with gender and sexual identity issues.

What happened to the autopsy photos of Staten Island Chuck?  Why was his/her body disposed of?  Could it be hulking socialist freak Wilhelm Jr. is afraid of what the public would find if the body were exhumed?

This is a scandal unlike any other:  The assassination of a marmot by an elected official.

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ promise not to rest until the truth is uncovered.

The socialist state murders another innocent.

Or until my pizza is delivered.

But rest assured my dedication to the truth will not waver.

Until my pizza arrives that is.

(1182)

A few simple rules of self-defense will keep you safe. Unless you’re attacked by a coked up Charlie Sheen.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I often find myself worrying about my readers.  It is a dangerous world out there and bad things happen.  And I don’t mean just the bad things that happen involving Charlie Sheen, cocaine, questionable hair plugs and a trannie hooker.

I care about the well-being and safety of my readers (even the ones who haven’t sent me nude selfies.)  So without further delay I now present Manhattan Infidels Quick and Easy Guide to Self-Defense.  (Self-Defense currently available in continental United States until its get outlawed.)

• Never Go With an Assailant to a Second Location

This simple rule of self-defense is often overlooked. Let me give you a personal example.  Once on a Saturday during football season my girl asked me to take her to her mothers where she had to drop something off.  I consented.  I figured it wouldn’t take long and I’d be back on the couch watching football in no time. But after visiting her mother she asked me to take her shopping for shoes.  I missed the noon, 3:30 and prime time college football games.  To recap:  Never go with an assailant, or girlfriend, to a second location.   This goes double if your assailant, or girlfriend, is a drummer.  Or a hippie.  Or a hippie drummer.

• Never Give Up Your Rudimentary Lathe

This cannot be stressed enough.  Lathes are the key to survival. Those who have lathes and know how to build even a rudimentary one will live.  Darwin called it natural selection.  Instead turn the tables on your attacker. Shame him with your superior lathe technology.  As your assailant stands bewildered hit him over the head with the baseball bat you have constructed with your lathe.  (Assuming you have a woodworking lathe.  If perchance you have a metalworking lathe then construct a robot to kill your assailant.)

• Never Get in a Car With Your Assailant

Nothing good will come of this.  If you are asked to get in a car with him refuse. Especially if your assailant is a drummer.  Or a hippie.  Or a hippie drummer. Or a hippie drummer who doubles as a bassist. If you must get in the car with him ask if you can put your rudimentary lathe in the trunk. It will come in handy later when you get to your location.  Tell your assailant that you can use your lathe to construct him a drum kit.  This will buy you time while you secretly construct a baseball bat to hit him over the head with.

• Never Let Someone Tie You Up

At some point your assailant may want to tie you up.  Do not let this happen. Unless your assailant is Kate Upton.  I mean I’ve written Kate Upton telling her that she can tie me up anytime but all I got in return was a letter from her lawyer threatening legal action.  Repeating:  Do not let your assailant tie you up.  Especially if it’s a hippie drummer/bassist who has seen your lathe and is enraged by your superior lathe skills.

• Run!  Run Away From Your Assailant!

Run away from your assailant the first chance you get.  Hippie drummer/bassists are not known for speed.  If he has a Mohawk it will catch the breeze further slowing him down.  Run to the nearest police precinct and give them a description of your attacker.  Just don’t mention your lathe, as your lathe may be interpreted as an assault weapon and you will be arrested.

• Is it Ever Acceptable to go With Your Assailant to a Second Location?

Yes, but only if your assailant is a Hipster and wishes to share his superior beard-grooming technology, in which case a beard-grooming for lathe swap is acceptable.

There you have it readers.  Let’s be safe out there.

(820)

Tea baggers strike at the heart of America

The White House was put on lockdown after a toddler squeezed through the security gate and ran onto the North Lawn.

“We saw unauthorized movement on the North Lawn” said a Secret Service agent.

We had a brief moment of panic because we didn’t know the identity of the transgressor.  Was it a teabagger?  What did this person want?  What sort of threat did they present? Fortunately we train for moments like this.  Agents immediately responded by unlimbering their automatic weapons and running out onto the lawn. We saw what looked like a midget.  It was probably a midget teabagger, the most dangerous kind. We surrounded the midget and told him to surrender.  He didn’t appear to understand us and started crying.  Then he asked for his mother.  I never knew teabaggers were such momma’s boys.

Secret service agents shot the midget teabagger as his mother cried, “My boy!  Don’t harm my boy!”

As the midget teabagger terrorist lay motionless on the lawn agents ascertained that he was dead.  Agents then attached explosives to the body.

We didn’t know whether the midget teabagger was booby trapped.  He might have exploded on us as we were transporting the body to the morgue.  Naturally we could not put the safety of our fellow officers at risk.  So it was decided to kinetically dismember him on the lawn.  

As the midget teabagger’s “parents” (probably fellow terrorists) cried inconsolably (probably because their nefarious plan was thwarted) his body was detonated.

Concerned that this was the beginning of a larger plan to strike terror into America agents evacuated the President.

Our first priority is the safety of the President.  We moved him to an unknown location.  We then ordered a drone strike on the White House.  The Executive Mansion is, naturally, a valuable target for our enemies.  If we destroyed it they would lose the target.

Not wanting to leave anything to chance, six separate drones homed in on the White House and delivered their payload, destroying the White House under smoke and rubble.

This was a good first step but with the White House gone they might try to harm the Capitol Building.  We had no choice but to order a drone strike on it. Fortunately only the Republican caucus was in the building at the time.

With the Capitol destroyed, agents met with Homeland Security officials to plot their next step.

In conjunction with Homeland Security it was decided to take out the entire city of Washington.  Why leave it in existence and vulnerable to teabagger attack?

A nuclear bomb was then dropped on the Capitol leaving it a pile of radioactive  debris.

Naturally we were pleased with how much safer we had made the city.  But with Washington denied to terrorists where would they strike next?  With the safety of all Americans foremost on our minds we decided to nuke the entire eastern seaboard. It was a difficult decision but a necessary one.  We take our oath very seriously.

With the eastern seaboard destroyed and safer attention was turned to the west coast.

Once the west coast was destroyed  we decided to take out the rest of the country. The only way to avoid terrorist attack is ensure that the United States is no longer a prime target.  With most of the continental U.S. now under a radioactive cloud we have ensured the safety of Americans.  The ones that are still alive that is.

With the Senate and House of Representatives safe out of harm’s way the new government’s first order of business will be rounding up radiation scarred mutants and checking to see if they have health insurance.  Those found to be uninsured will be fined.

(1622)

We are all going to die.

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my distinct honor and privilege to interview one of the greatest minds of our generation:  noted physicist Stephen Hawking.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Hawking.

SH: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel, or should I call you Manhattan nonbeliever in the deity?

MI: Actually that’s not why I chose the name Infidel.  But onto my first question – 

SH: Are you disagreeing with the greatest mind of his generation?

MI: Um.

SH:  Punk.  My voice box spits on you.

MI: Okay.  Let’s talk about the Higgs Boson.  You were quoted as saying that you were afraid of the Higgs Boson and that the so-called God particle had the potential to destroy the entire universe.

SH: Yes.  This is true.  The Higgs Boson has the potential to become unstable at energies above 100bn  gigaelectronvolts.  This could mean that the universe could undergo a catastrophic vacuum decay, with the bubble of the true vacuum expanding at the speed of light.  We would never see it coming.

MI: A catastrophic vacuum decay.  Just like what happened to my ElectroLux.

SH: I don’t find you funny punk.

MI: Sorry.  So we are all going to die in a vacuum?

SH: Well let me put your stupid, uncouth, nonelite, poorly educated mind at ease. For 100bn gigalectronvolts to be created we would need a particle accelerator the size of the planet Earth.  And with the current political climate I don’t see that happening.

MI: Thank god.

SH: Yes, a typical ignorant comment from a typical ignorant man.  Fortunately I have reached out to the Vulcans who find my proposal to build a giant particle accelerator the size of Earth to be quite logical.

MI: Did you just call me ignorant?

SH: Oh I’m surprised an idiot like you knows what the word means.

MI: I’ll let that pass.  But is that the only way life can possibly end?

SH: No.  There is the “Big Crunch” which is the opposite of the Big Bang where the universe collapses upon itself.  Also there is the Big Rip where dark matter can literally tear the universe the shreds.

MI: Oh aren’t you just the ball of sunshine.  Speaking of the Big Rip, have you seen many of Rip Torn’s movies?  He was great in Men in Black.

SH: You are such a jackass.  A complete clown.  A buffoon.  A goddamn idiot and I will answer no more questions.

MI: Alright I’m getting tired of you insulting me.  Game on!

SH: Come at me bro!

MI: You are going down!

SH: Speaking of going down your girlfriend was great last night.  She thanked me. Said it felt good to finally have a man.

MI: I’m going to rip your f*cking head off! 

[Manhattan Infidel lunges at Stephen Hawking who manages to move his breath-activated wheelchair out of the way.]

SH: You are such a loser. I’m going to chew up up and sh*t you out motherf*cker!

[A young, attractive women sees the two fighting and calls for the police]

Woman: Police.  Police.  This man is beating up the other man in the wheelchair!

[Police officers arrive and place Manhattan Infidel in handcuffs.]

MI: Arrest him!  He started it!

[Manhattan Infidel is beaten unconscious by police and dragged away.]

Woman:  Are you alright sir?  Who was that bully?

SH: It’s not important dear, sweet lady.  The only important thing is that we met.  

Woman: You sound intelligent.  

SH: Why don’t you come back to my place.  I’ll let you play with my voice box.

Woman: Oh you are so dirty.  And intelligent. I find intelligence sexy.

SH: I have one request.  Do you know what a rusty trombone is?

[The two leave together.]

I must say that was a very unpleasant interview.  Who knew Stephen Hawking was such an asshole.  I’ll get even.  I will.

(592)