Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to Self-Defense

A few simple rules of self-defense will keep you safe.  Unless your attacked by a coked up Charlie Sheen.

A few simple rules of self-defense will keep you safe. Unless you’re attacked by a coked up Charlie Sheen.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I often find myself worrying about my readers.  It is a dangerous world out there and bad things happen.  And I don’t mean just the bad things that happen involving Charlie Sheen, cocaine, questionable hair plugs and a trannie hooker.

I care about the well-being and safety of my readers (even the ones who haven’t sent me nude selfies.)  So without further delay I now present Manhattan Infidels Quick and Easy Guide to Self-Defense.  (Self-Defense currently available in continental United States until its get outlawed.)

  • Never Go With an Assailant to a Second Location

This simple rule of self-defense is often overlooked. Let me give you a personal example.  Once on a Saturday during football season my girl asked me to take her to her mothers where she had to drop something off.  I consented.  I figured it wouldn’t take long and I’d be back on the couch watching football in no time. But after visiting her mother she asked me to take her shopping for shoes.  I missed the noon, 3:30 and prime time college football games.  To recap:  Never go with an assailant, or girlfriend, to a second location.   This goes double if your assailant, or girlfriend, is a drummer.  Or a hippie.  Or a hippie drummer.

  • Never Give Up Your Rudimentary Lathe

This cannot be stressed enough.  Lathes are the key to survival. Those who have lathes and know how to build even a rudimentary one will live.  Darwin called it natural selection.  Instead turn the tables on your attacker. Shame him with your superior lathe technology.  As your assailant stands bewildered hit him over the head with the baseball bat you have constructed with your lathe.  (Assuming you have a woodworking lathe.  If perchance you have a metalworking lathe then construct a robot to kill your assailant.)

  • Never Get in a Car With Your Assailant

Nothing good will come of this.  If you are asked to get in a car with him refuse. Especially if your assailant is a drummer.  Or a hippie.  Or a hippie drummer. Or a hippie drummer who doubles as a bassist. If you must get in the car with him ask if you can put your rudimentary lathe in the trunk. It will come in handy later when you get to your location.  Tell your assailant that you can use your lathe to construct him a drum kit.  This will buy you time while you secretly construct a baseball bat to hit him over the head with.

  • Never Let Someone Tie You Up

At some point your assailant may want to tie you up.  Do not let this happen. Unless your assailant is Kate Upton.  I mean I’ve written Kate Upton telling her that she can tie me up anytime but all I got in return was a letter from her lawyer threatening legal action.  Repeating:  Do not let your assailant tie you up.  Especially if it’s a hippie drummer/bassist who has seen your lathe and is enraged by your superior lathe skills.

  • Run!  Run Away From Your Assailant!

Run away from your assailant the first chance you get.  Hippie drummer/bassists are not known for speed.  If he has a Mohawk it will catch the breeze further slowing him down.  Run to the nearest police precinct and give them a description of your attacker.  Just don’t mention your lathe, as your lathe may be interpreted as an assault weapon and you will be arrested.

  • Is it Ever Acceptable to go With Your Assailant to a Second Location?

Yes, but only if your assailant is a Hipster and wishes to share his superior beard-grooming technology, in which case a beard-grooming for lathe swap is acceptable.

There you have it readers.  Let’s be safe out there.


6 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    I once got in a car and went with my hippie/drummer/bassist to a second location because the first ESSO station was out of regular without my lathe in the trunk. But dat was back in da good ol’ days wit 25 cents gas and youse could buy a lathe for a buck .38.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I blame Israel for the high price of gasoline and the shortage of lathes.

  3. Amazing how much your self defense plan is like Obama’s national defense plan. No doubt it will work just as well.

  4. AnnS says:

    But never never never bring a lathe to a gun fight.

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