Tea baggers strike at the heart of America

The White House was put on lockdown after a toddler squeezed through the security gate and ran onto the North Lawn.

“We saw unauthorized movement on the North Lawn” said a Secret Service agent.

We had a brief moment of panic because we didn’t know the identity of the transgressor.  Was it a teabagger?  What did this person want?  What sort of threat did they present? Fortunately we train for moments like this.  Agents immediately responded by unlimbering their automatic weapons and running out onto the lawn. We saw what looked like a midget.  It was probably a midget teabagger, the most dangerous kind. We surrounded the midget and told him to surrender.  He didn’t appear to understand us and started crying.  Then he asked for his mother.  I never knew teabaggers were such momma’s boys.

Secret service agents shot the midget teabagger as his mother cried, “My boy!  Don’t harm my boy!”

As the midget teabagger terrorist lay motionless on the lawn agents ascertained that he was dead.  Agents then attached explosives to the body.

We didn’t know whether the midget teabagger was booby trapped.  He might have exploded on us as we were transporting the body to the morgue.  Naturally we could not put the safety of our fellow officers at risk.  So it was decided to kinetically dismember him on the lawn.  

As the midget teabagger’s “parents” (probably fellow terrorists) cried inconsolably (probably because their nefarious plan was thwarted) his body was detonated.

Concerned that this was the beginning of a larger plan to strike terror into America agents evacuated the President.

Our first priority is the safety of the President.  We moved him to an unknown location.  We then ordered a drone strike on the White House.  The Executive Mansion is, naturally, a valuable target for our enemies.  If we destroyed it they would lose the target.

Not wanting to leave anything to chance, six separate drones homed in on the White House and delivered their payload, destroying the White House under smoke and rubble.

This was a good first step but with the White House gone they might try to harm the Capitol Building.  We had no choice but to order a drone strike on it. Fortunately only the Republican caucus was in the building at the time.

With the Capitol destroyed, agents met with Homeland Security officials to plot their next step.

In conjunction with Homeland Security it was decided to take out the entire city of Washington.  Why leave it in existence and vulnerable to teabagger attack?

A nuclear bomb was then dropped on the Capitol leaving it a pile of radioactive  debris.

Naturally we were pleased with how much safer we had made the city.  But with Washington denied to terrorists where would they strike next?  With the safety of all Americans foremost on our minds we decided to nuke the entire eastern seaboard. It was a difficult decision but a necessary one.  We take our oath very seriously.

With the eastern seaboard destroyed and safer attention was turned to the west coast.

Once the west coast was destroyed  we decided to take out the rest of the country. The only way to avoid terrorist attack is ensure that the United States is no longer a prime target.  With most of the continental U.S. now under a radioactive cloud we have ensured the safety of Americans.  The ones that are still alive that is.

With the Senate and House of Representatives safe out of harm’s way the new government’s first order of business will be rounding up radiation scarred mutants and checking to see if they have health insurance.  Those found to be uninsured will be fined.

(1618)